Thanks. I'm not sure what to do, other than see if separation will make her realize that things aren't so rosy without me around, but that way seems so manipulative.
I could agree to it all of her demands, but the resentment I feel toward being policed is definately showing and causing arguments that are way beyond where they could've been. On top of that, I don't think I could keep it up. She wants 100% abstinance (even though my 1st doc appt isn't for 6 more weeks), no locked doors ever, no thoughts in my head, and more. I know it is her fear and insecurity, but I can't solve that.
And the icing to this cake? She is going to a group counseling session on abusive spouses instead of dealing with why she stands at a door banging on it so I'll open it when I exercise.
OMG, OTMT, are you putting this on her? Are you stating that the failure of hte marriage would be her fault and not own up to your end? Are you going to leave out that you chose to do porn rather than have sex with her for 12 years! B/c porn was better. That you found her wxtremely unattractive for years? That is was a very rare event-sex with you wife.
Are you really really going to play the martyr role here? If only people read your earlier thread about how she is of lesser intelligence and how you invalidate what she states.
I didn't want to say this b4, b/c I have concern for you and didn't want to upset you but I think this very much was a mentally and vebally abusive maarriage! Yes, I said it! Perhaps on both ends there was negative stuff going on but the stuff you stated to CG and I on earlier threads- very insightful as to how you think.
First time you EVER take you wife out ona date in 12 years and your eyeballing the watress and then you wife has to excuse herself to the bathroom to compose herself. Your defense the waitress was pretty.
You are twisting this!!! You do not want to look at the hard facts of what oyu ahve done and ever since you got to this message board you have continually focused on what she needs to improve on and gloss over your faults.
You are perfectly content to start a new thread and leave out very relevant facts.
OTMT- your wife is not crazy, maybe she is not on her best behavior but there sure as h@ll is a reason as to why she wants to leave you. And post after post you seem to focus more on her then your own real legitimate problems.
And if I am reading correctly you are stating that is only somewhat addictive? Then why are you signed up for treatment forporn addiction..
Folks, I have no issue with porn- I enjoy it on rare occasion myself but it hurts his wife and he ENJOYS porn more then sex with his wife as stated on previous threads adn THAT is a serious issue!
Last edited by june72; 04/17/1011:35 AM.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Well, why the h@ll do you find it necessary to lock the door for exercise? Computer in there? Huh?
Sorry for the above typos my son was pulling me away from the computer.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Well...through touch, time, and maintained boundaries we managed to negotioate solutions that worked.
I had to replace the bdrm door lock that W broke, but I got one that had a door lock key so she could come in anytime. I suggested coming in randomly if she was worried and checking for 'physical evidence' that my body wasn't busy looking at porn. With these boundaries, we were able to get through a much better weekend.
Of course, before that we had to deal with the separation. This was hard...painful, really. We did, though. She also took responsibility for how she felt when she was feeling angry/insecure.
So, for the 4th weekend in the last 5 weeks, we've had a major setback, but we got past it.
Oh...and if you hear from a user Hope5, that's my W~
I decided to "come clean" and show her this site. I warned her that when I'm hurt or angry I did say things that were honest feelings, but they may have been really harsh. I also explained that what I felt in the past I don't necessarily feel now. I remember discussing the secrecy of the site with some people, but I think I can't have that anymore while trying to be completely honest and open with her.
Feel free to ask her questions about me, her POV, or whatever~
Oh my, just when I am about to write you off, you happily surprise me! Glad to hear that your wife will be on the MB's. I think your wife's feelings are very valid.
Anyhow, looking forward to updates from the both of you
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Here comes Thursday a few days early. Every Friday I sleep in disasterous ruins of my marriage's dreams, but I got it today instaed.
This morning my W said she can't sleep beside me because of my porn usage. I reminded her that I'm tryingto solve it and this is my problem I need to deal with. I reminded her that stopping isn't enough, I need time to understand it.
Instead, she said she needed to go to her home country all summer to decide what to do (proactivly planning a D?) and that she would sleep with the kids again. I reminded her that I cant do a partial separation - that was too hard on me, and that if I'm not getting any LM from her, it would only make a stop to porn harder. (please readers, trust me - Im really having a hard time stopping) So any separation had to be complete with the plan we did Friday.
So I have a choice. Or choices.
1. I admit fully if I use porn knowing that it will likely increase her suspicion. This will likely cause a few more bad days between us. It will also increase my feeling of being policed instead of supported in my desire to stop over then next year (or less). I will probably react more than respond to the likely nagging/criticism making it worse. She'll likely feel that she is sick to her stomach and using her judgmental nature, judge me as not trying hard enough. W will likely then react with a consequence for me and I'll probably start to ignore her and her feelings.
2. I can deny it always. Her feeling of a cloud around her heart when she believes I'm using would continue, but she'd have no way to talk about it with me or to trust things I say about it. If she ever catches me I will have caused a much bigger trust issue forever as it would prove her fears. It is OK to lie to her to help us in reconcilliation? Ahhh...no...why would I be lying? Would it be fore self protection? Yup. My motives aren't selfless with this choice. Here, she probably feels that I cant be trusted and rebuilding takes longer - if ever. Eventually, that lack of trust will likely cause many deal-breaking arguments.
3. I continue refusing to declare either way and remind her that the problem is hurtful, but that I am working on it. She'll never know for sure if I'm doing it less, so she'll probably trust her gut...which is what she does now. The refusal would cause more worry for her. She will continue policing OR give up and realize this is not in her control. I can continue taking ownership over this as it is my own problem. As result, she is left feeling like she is floating on rough seas, but being forced to acknowledge that she isn't in control of the sea. Eventually she would need to detatch a bit to distance her from the emotions (GAL), leave the R, or accept me and my intent.
So what do I need today? 1. Stability and safety. I need to know that she'll work on understanding the source of her feelings while 3 work on 180s of my behaviour and that as a reward she'll let my love grow. Love doesnt grow from fear.
2. To feel accepted/affirmed as being 'good enough'. I need to hear something that tells me that my improvements and my person is loved enough that I'll be given a fighting chance.
3. To feel a reduction in blame and criticism. I need to feel that each of us can safely discuss issues that come up without fear of an all out 'Im the victim' type attack. That safety will deal with my biggest reason for my addiction - the desire to vicariously escape the problems I'm facing for a few hours.
So, unless she is coming home from her counsellor in a different state that gives me some hope, I'm going to begin a full in-house separation. I feel awful doing this. I know that part of the reason I'm moving this way is that I am not able to handle the up and down rollercoaster anymore. Each week for the last 5, we've had a blowout. I go and get her to reconsider, only for another blowout.
IF I really felt the porn was the real issue, I might be willing to give in more to her demands (do it out of the house, no locked doors, etc.), although my addiction would still need time.
I don't. I simply cannot accept that someone could not even raise a word for 11 years about my usage that she knew about, and then suddenly in the midst of a marital crisis, she is only unwilling to stay with me over that same issue.
I know there are other issues. I need to work on them, too. But I have ENs, too. I can't and won't accept my W policing me because I allowed myself to be vulnerable to her and ask for her help in things I thought might have been affecting our relationship.
Ideas or advice please, full out criticism I'll do on my own (trust me, I am VERY self-critical) - I'm just too over the cliff to take any 2x4s today...
I'm sure I'm guilty of that, too. I decided to separate for at least two weeks.
She came to me this morning and said that she doesn't think it would help. I asked her why she'd ask for it so often it she didn't want it. I want to reconsider, but at least for tonight, I'm going to stay out of the house except to sleep.
I know I'm guilty of things, too. So I'll work on me, get work and other stressors partly caught up on, and hope & pray that our ICs help us act better~
