But these guys remind him of when he was seventeen... and they sound like they still ACT seventeen... It very likley does make him feel younger. I think for the most part though he picked them up for need. There is a need during an affair to be socially validated. If no one supports your affair you have to go GET some people who will. And he met these guys at the same place he met OW right? So, it all fits there ...
I don't cater much to the MLC analysis because I have yet to see any constructive strategy or basic tactics coming from it...
People will say "oh ya, he's having a MLC" and then they have nothing else to say... its a useless analysis. It may be accurate, but I have yet to see a MLC analysis that leads to a point of helping anyone.
The fact is your H is in self-destruct mode. He's dealing with a lot of emotions - maybe withdrawal, maybe marital conflicts, maybe MLC, it matters little... He isn't in a healthy place and you need to protect the home and his kids from that.
You left him "in control" for one day and look at the mess he's made already?
Imagine what would happen if you left him "in control" for a month or more?
This is common in addiction. They get so fixated on their opiate of choice they trash everything else around them. I can't tell if he's avoiding OW or not, but he is trying to bond with a group who will support her. If he did leave I suspect he will slowly drop his old friend who wouldn't support his affair and will bring these fellas more into his life. The best thing you can do right now is let him do his own laundry, cook his own meals, and to lose his own job. The more reality he has to deal with the greater chance he has of waking up.
Yes, you two share a home, I know. And there are children involved and its not healthy to watch him ruin their lives too. I dunno, they are old enough to make their own choices. You could just take his kids out for fun things and leave H to handle all of that. If his children turn to you for help later you could tell them bailing your H out of his responsabilities isn't helping him. I don't know if they will understand that or not. At least these kids are old enough that its a bit more manageable than for adolescents. And since you aren't sharing a bed right now you can manage things well there too.
I think he needs to be picked up by the police for DUI and to get reprimanded at work a few times before this really comes to a head. This may be withdrawal, it may not be. It isn't the most common reaction, but people often drink to numb pain. I don't drink at all but my mother was an alcoholic and I've seen her escape into a bottle to deal with life more times than I can count. Drinking isn't going to help his marriage. He may have just swapped addictions?
I don't think we can compare this well to his earlier affair since there are so many variables that are different here.
Since this affair is quite different, it may need a different strategy... what worked then may not work when its so different.
Was your H drinking heavilly then? It doesn't sound like it. I suspect this is OW's influence yet again.
If you know any cops you can ask to pull him over and give him a DUI scare that may help. I think he needs a few shocks of reality to wake him up. He may just be dealing with the withdrawal, but he's on a very dangerous road right now.
Monitor things for a week or so to see if he's calming down or if he's getting worse.
Yeah, time to start monitoring. I don't know any cops other than one in a town adjacent to us, but our neighbor across the street works part time in dispatch. Maybe she can help.
H was drinking during his EA back between 2003-2005. He said on a thread that he was "drinking like a fish" but I didn't notice it then. I knew we were going out and drinking at clubs. (he never went clubbing before but started during this time, and I went with him as a way to stay in the mix) However, he was drinking and having a "good time" when out with friends... now he drinks ALWAYS. When at home alone, out with friends, visiting my mom or his mom, he is always with a bottle and always DRUNK - to the point that he can't tie his shoes. It's much more and more dangerous than it was back then, for sure.
I have met OW twice and both times she was drunk. She didn't sound drunk when I spoke to her on the phone, but her FB is full of pics of her out drinking with people, and I know from emails that she frequents the higher end drinking establishments (micro brewery type places) so much that they know her name. She's a member of a mug club at one where you have to drink so much in a week and get a mug that they hang on to for you... so that should give you an idea of the amount of drinking she does.
The infidelity needs monitoring, but the drinking needs it even more right now in my opinion. He is driving children around in his car with him.
Maybe it will do you some good if he lost his license... it will keep him put for a while mabye...
Both the drinking and the cheating are problematic, but the drinking you have all the INTEL you want there...
These are times when you have to make some hard choices. I hate these kinds of choices. Any good AA programs in your area? He likley wouldn't go to a permanent place to dry out even if there was an intervention. Often a LOT of DAMAGE has to happen before they are willing to do that.
You could divide up the days when you help the kids out and he does... MTW its him and Thu Fri Sa its you or something like that. The kids may start to see a pattern where he is never reliable but you are. You can't keep cleaning up his messes. I supsect you cleaned up after the dogs... that's classic enablement right there.
You need to do some reading on addiction enablement to protect him and you from that. YOU are at high risk of enablement right now.
Is there any chance you can get his parents to refuse him drink at their place? I dunno, someone should say or do something if he's driving children around to events in his car.
If he's at work drunk he may get reprimanded for that too.
He's certainly dealing with a lot emotionally, but so is everyone his age... I don't sympathize at all... its selfish indulgence at best. But it is very dangerous.
Nah, he's not driving with the kids while drinking. Only himself. I would NEVER allow that. And he doesn't drink at work. He has called in to work once, though. His mother has cut him off - he brought his own bottle last time b/c she told him there was no booze for him there. Not much I can do about the drinking, other than pray there will be no accidents. When I bring it up, he just runs away from me.
I don't cater much to the MLC analysis because I have yet to see any constructive strategy or basic tactics coming from it...
People will say "oh ya, he's having a MLC" and then they have nothing else to say... its a useless analysis. It may be accurate, but I have yet to see a MLC analysis that leads to a point of helping anyone.
That makes sense to me. Since their is no tactic to fix it then it must not exist.
I would suggest you read www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com.Rollercoaster rider maintains the site.I was cycnical about the whole MLC piece but after seeing my H turn into a monster overnight and reading this site.It is very real for me.
That said its not the debate Pass needs.Her H is pissing all over her and thats got to stop.It is totally unacceptable.As for the A lets not go their or I will start spitting venom..its the lowest of the low.Pass you deserve better..you do.I am so glad you are going to invest in getting you back on track. This will draw the kids and keep them close to you..their dad certainly isnt role modelling the right behaviour.
ME 44 H 45 D 14 D 20 M 22 YEARS TOGETHER 28YEARS Bomb Drop 14th July 09 Seperated-living with OW 10mths(14/07/09) MLC 3years
Silence wasn't golden in this marriage; it was deadly," Dr. Robin L. Smith
JacT, it was that website that made me think H was in MLC. It's exactly him to a t - exactly - like it was written about him.
I'm detaching quite nicely already. Just after saying I would, I feel better. I emailed H an answer to a q he asked me last week and when he replied, I saw his email and didn't even have the desire to open it. I just don't care what he says/thinks right now.
I've been working hard today and thinking through what I want to do first to work on myself. Tonight is the beginner's karate class that I had wanted to take, wondering if I can do that. He said the first class is free if I just want to join in to see if I like it.
There may be some strategis to deal with MLC, but I haven't seen many... whenever that is offered up as diagnosis here I don't see any tactics for it offered... everyone just says "He's in MLC" and that's all... I just don't consider that very helpful.
Pass I seriously wouldn't pikc up your H's slack righ tnow... he needs to see the damage he's doing.
If he is due to pick up his kids, call a cab and have him pay for the ride... He will complain you didn't do it yoruself just tell him :
"You wanted more control of the household - you need to be sober to manage it properly"
Tell the kids to take a taxi if they need a ride until your H starts sobering up... keep track of the cost..
I don't reccomend cleaning up any messes he makes... if he racks up taxi fare costs then just show him the total... each week.
This way
1. He has consequences 2. Kids are safe 3. you don't have to pick up aftr him
