PLEASE HELP ME WITH MY MARRIAGE!

[PEI]

Hey there DCB ... just got caught up on your Sitch and mine is fairly similar, on the surface anyway. I HIGHLY recommend a telephone coaching session if you can afford it ... I spoke to Cheryl and she is fabulous.

In a nutshell ... my H dropped the bomb Jan 21, I went crazy and got desperate that night ... over the next few days I started to see my part of the deteriorating R. I promised space and time then failed miserably at delivering and I finally found this site in mid to late March. THANK GOD!

I have been DBing for about three weeks now and although his words haven't changed, I am seeing changes in behaviour. I am noticing all the baby steps and concentrating on me. One of the best tips I got was to be ready for him to pull back after a significant connection (ie. LM, or a really nice time together, etc) and this has helped me cope so much better! I am nowhere near the mess I was back then, and I am truly a changed person.

I love my husband, and I respect him. He is hurting and our relationship and dynamic contributed to that (MLC ... doesn't know who he is, felt controlled, doesn't feel like a man, had no decision making power, the list goes on...). I won't be walked all over, but neither will I turn my back on him in this time of need. He needs compassion and to feel respected. I don't have to like it. If this was a friend going through a hard time we would all stand by them.

The other REALLY important tip was to make sure that the counsellor you get is on the same page. I would call or email and ask them straight up if they are solution-oriented and pro-marriage. Bad therapy is worse than no therapy (my husband's IC is making things worse, but he thinks he's great so what can I do!).

Read and reread the books. Really understand what Michele is saying. This isn't about changing yourself it's about changing your behaviour and reactions/responses. And improving yourself for yourself so you are the most authentic person you can be.

In my opinion, and based on my limited experience, you have a wonderful opportunity ... you are still under the same roof as your wife, sleeping in the same bed and she agrees to MC ... now BACK OFF! Based on how she feels you've gotten a lot from her already - don't kill her with enthusiasm or attention. She needs space ... you don't want her to stay because you convinced her, that won't last anyway - you want her to stay because she chooses to, that's the only way it's going to last.

Good luck ... I'm going to post my sitch later today if I get a chance ...

Breathe, exercise, eat and relax ... and trust your instincts. I've taken to stopping myself, literally, and asking "is this what I would have done before?" and if it is then I don't do it or I do something different ... it helps ...