Hi all and thx newmama for catching up on my thread.
I had typed out a long update but realized that I had even more to say and I am not quite ready to share it all yet. To put things short, my husband and I talked face to face this weekend (he talked , I listened) and he came out with a lot of things that I already knew from snooping and alot of things that I had no idea of. HE is still saying that he wants so badly for us to reconcile, etc. and that he made this mess and he wants to clean it up and hopefully I will give him and our marriage another chance.
I am not ready to share everything because I knew that an affair was happening but the realization of hearing my husband say what happened, why, what he felt at the time, etc. is more HURTFUL AND PAINFUL than I ever imagined. Now I feel bad because I prayed daily for my husband and for my marriage and it could be a possibility butnow the pain is too much.
Question...how do you decide how much of the truth you want to hear. I almost feel like if I know too much I won't be able to move past it. My husband cheated with this girl while we dated and now this betrayal after we were married just hurts. And the fact that I thought he "got" how much pain he caused me when we were dating and for him to do it again I just don't know. My mom is telling me to go slow and see if I can give it another chance but to not move in or do anything for another 6 months (I agree) but my dad is saying to cut my losses and move forward.
Husband was wearing his wedding band again and he did make hhis first appointment with my FT. I told him I won't go with him rihgt now and he understood. He says that he has a lot of work to do on himself before he can build on our marriage but hopes that I will join him in FT eventually.
I would keep the truth coming. You don't know if you can trust him... Well, you need the TRUTH to make an informed decision.
You need to know exactly how many times he's cheated and lied and taken advantage of you. It will hurt like hell, but you need to know what you are getting involved with.
But more importantly... HE needs to see how HURT you are when he tells you. HE needs to see the damage he's done. If he doesn't tell you the truth, and you don't give him an opportunity to appreciate the damage he's done... You are both getting back into a marriage with blinders on...
In AA 12 step programs there is a step where the addict needs to take full ownership of the damage they have done and work with you to resolve all of the offences... It's a necessary step.
You don't need to know the details of sexual activity, but you DO need to know how many times this guy has done damage... The extent of the damage is what you have to assess here.
Question : Has he made any effort to contact your father and apologize for this mess?
I suspect not.
DO NOT do ANYTHING with him until he has made an effort to repair damage there too. YOU are the easy one to win back over.. the EASIEST in fact... its your parents and any close friends or family of yours that have washed their hands of him.
He can't just win you back and expect you to clean up his messes with them... if he wants back in, he has to win your father and mother back on his OWN.
