Keep reminding yourself that this isn't just about tactics, Hope. This is about what's right for you. The more you can disengage from the dynamics with him, the more you can focus on you and the work that you have to do to rebuild. sending hugs...
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
compare the dimness and results you are getting to the previous way...
and don't forget he will test you to see if you are "serious" about this dimness and try to "get your goat!" anticipate!
keep going, H4L, your strength is inspiring!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Oh might I add why I"m fuming and need the 24/48 hr rule.
The visitation at H's apt has been an issue, as you know. I agreed we need to do it together, in ways we both feel comfortable. I had at one point said I would (generally) be comfortable if he took S to his apt during the day. I also said other things like I'd like to go with him the first time, read about or talk to MC about how to explain it to S, etc.
A while back he just took him to his apt without telling me until later.
I asked him again to tell me ahead of time that was what he was planning to do, and that I'd like to consider the other ways to make this important transition careful for S.
He blew me off. Did it again today. I asked S if he had fun with daddy today to which he replied "we went to the park and daddy's apt."
It's the sheer avoidance again. Avoidance. The disrespect for my requests like so many. LIke my requests to stick to our conversation rules and time outs. Like my requests for him never to blow up at me and S when he comes over.
He ignores all of it. No wonder I was unhappy in my marriage. Selfish and avoidant.
Again hes trying to push you into confirming his own fears.. well done for not losing it on the going behind your back visit..
I still struggle with a scenario where I know I have been lied too and I have even intermated to H I know Ive been lied too and he knows I know if you follow!
Keep going kid you are doing well for you and that is the most important bit of the puzzle YOU!
____________________________
W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
I agree with LR and don't be baited into acting in a way you will later regret. Keep trying something different for a few weeks and give yourself time to feel better from all the bad news, blame being thrown at you, and H going behind your back with S stuff. It might be a power struggle and a control issue that he did that. How can you not participate in it but still have a say in S's transition? I'm not sure.
Maybe FM has some ideas because she went through that thing recently with her H about the kids and his apartment.
H4L, I find this hard to write to you because I don't think that you're ready to hear it. But Kalni and others helped me a lot with the huge transition that I made when I let go of H starting a life with the kids that didn't include me. I think I have a very good understanding of where you're coming from with this issue...I have always been there for my children and I've also played an important role in buffering H's anger issues with the children too. Within months I went from doing all of the nighttime parenting and ALWAYS being present to help with bedtime and NEVER going out at night, to allowing H to take the children overnight and for as long as 24 hrs at a time. It's been a huge transition for all of us.
Early on in my sitch, I realized the following:
1. I didn't want to be in a power struggle with H over the kids. He is as much their parent as I am and is equally entitled to make decisions for their care even though I have more invested in parenting (and more skills IMO). I know that our future is likely strictly coparenting and I wanted things to be on the right footing.
2. Letting go around the kids was a healthy 180 for ME and THEM. Faking it until I make it that they'll be OK and it's perfectly fine to have the sleepovers and hang out in H's home where I've never been has been healthy choice for our family IMO.
3. Showing my complete trust in H as a parent has been a 180 that has pleasantly surprised my H. I has helped with creating at atmosphere of friendly collaboration around coparenting. Not what I really want, but I'll settle for that.
4. In a D, H would easily get joint custody if he wanted to. That's out of my control. I decided that it was best for my kids to make the transition gradually by MY gradually "allowing" more and more time with H, and overnights, etc. I did control the pace, but I didn't put the brakes on things and I allowed some nudging forward even when I wasn't sure that it would work for the kids, as an experiment. I decided that it was OK to try experiments and see how the kids react.
5. My kids are definitely distressed and experiencing a huge emotional impact from this. IMO that is primarily due to the separation and H and I not spending time together with them, which hopefully can be easier in the future. I'm not convinced that it's because of them doing overnights -- I haven't seen a connection there. I think it causes them some distress but I don't think that there's much I can do about that since we will likely D.
6. I really do need the time and solitude that I get from H taking the kids away. I miss them and it feels "wrong". But it has given me the time and space to make some progress emotionally. After 3.5 months of separation, I am feeling small oases of peace and having some glimpses of acceptance about my sitch. This is not what I want for my children. But right now my responsibility isn't to fight against H having custody of them. It's my responsibility to figure out how I can be the most happy and grounded mother I can be in the event of D.
H4L, I know you have safety concerns about your S spending time alone with your H. You have to look inside yourself and figure out how much of that is legitimate and how much is a control issue on your part. There are many potential benefits to your letting your H have overnight visitations, etc:
1. your H would have less time and energy for OW 2. your H would have to be a responsible father, not just doing it when he feels like it 3. your H would have to provide the meals, do the housekeeping and all the work that you do... it would help him to see everything that's involved in your job 4. you would have much less contact with your H 5. you'd be able to focus more on your S when he is there and be more present as a mother 6. you'd have the solitude and freedom to do more GAL and working on yourself
Anyway, I hope that this has been helpful. I've been reluctant to write this all out because I know this is hard for you to hear. But I'm paying it forward because many on my thread helped me to realize that graciously yielding to H's desire to have visitations with the kids on his terms was the best choice for me at the time and in my sitch.
hugs to you. This is really tough stuff. Consider going to a psychologist who specializes in coparenting to talk about this and get input on your sitch. Maybe even stop going to MC and start working on a coparenting plan with your H with a psychologist. It sounds like it's time since you are in conflict over coparenting after a year of separation (?).
The children are BY FAR the hardest part of this for me, and I don't think the fear and pain will ever go away. But I have to let go in areas where I don't have the control.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
