The journey begins

[ClingingToHope]

Journaling.

First weekend of living on a strict budget and, like everything else over the last 11 months, it produced mixed emotions.

First off, I can do this. Instead of just rounding the girls up every meal time and toss them in the car to get something quick to eat, I had to search the cupboard for something different to eat.

For the most part, they were fine. It was a downer at church when they asked if we were eating at our typical restaurant and I gave them a choice. We had money left to do something fun or we could use it to eat at the restaurant.

They both chose to do something fun.

But the weekend gave me flashbacks to my childhood. I went from a two-parent home where we lived in a nice house, with a nice car and no worries --- at least the kids weren't told about the worries -- over money to living with my grandmother and listening to my mom complain all the time about money.

I still had a good childhood. My grandmother's house was big. She had a pool and it was in a good neighborhood. I was lucky.

My dad never owned a house again. He got an apartment then he lived with a lady for a while. I never had the sense that he was thriving.

It sucks to see people you love struggle and that's what the girls are seeing now.

I can't control what they see. I can control what they hear. This is life now and I have to get used to it and I have to help them get used to it. There are no miracles left. The D train isn't going to miraculously stop. DB isn't a wonder drug.

I will have to adjust my budget. I'll have to shift money away from my entertainment and recreation towards gas and groceries. I have to have food to make for them. They can't stare at an empty refrigerator.

And I will have to stop dragging my feet on the divorce. No matter what, I'm going to get some money from STBXW. The faster I do, the faster I can come up with a plan to rid myself of some of this debt and then increase the bi-weekly budget.

If I'm going to thrive and be the one who put money away for braces, for summer camps, I have to live this way and the only way to live better is to not have myself buried in debt.

End of night I sent STBXW an email with several things. I can't freeze her out anymore on my weekends. NC didn't work for me -- in terms of busting the divorce -- nothing would have. When I moved out last May the M was already over. I see that now. I sent the email to increase the sense of cooperation so the D goes smoothly.