W still wants separation, need to DB more

[OfficerInNeed]

Officer,

Let me explain something that nobody has told you which is part of the problem here..

SNOOPING.. (which is what you are doing with your mole at her work and your constantly hovering over her every move) works only to confirm an affair OR is to be done WHEN the WS WANTS to or says they WANT to stay in the relationship.

THEN when you SNOOP (and it is snooping) they can't or won't get mad or resentful BECAUSE they say they WANT to save the relationship and make it work...

Which brings me to YOUR situation..

SNOOPING on them when they keep telling you they ARE LEAVING is nothing more than pressure and controlling. It is causing TREMENDOUS resentment in her and is pushing her further and further away. She KNOWS and FEELS that you are snooping and have a spy watching her every move.. (and you DO)

That will NOT work in your situation. Checking her phone and having a buddy that snoops for you at her work is what is fueling her anger. She IS going to leave you BECAUSE of this now...

Snooping should only be done to confirm an affair. Then it is ok to expose the affair to see what happens. You THEN HAVE to get the WS's agreement that the affair is ended AND that they are going to try to make the marriage work. Part of that agreement is the AGREEMENT between BOTH OF YOU that complete transparency regarding cell phones, computers, texts, etc. is out in the open..



THAT is NOT what you have here. You don't have a spouse saying she is staying in the marriage and agreeing to transparency. You have one that says she is leaving and that she is resenting your SNOOPING...


BIG DIFFERENCE..

She IS going to leave you for this very reason. She is feeling caged in and smothereed and watched. Not good for her or you.
This is the same ole thing you have always done It is controlling and shows your low self esteem. It is HURTING you chances to reconcile because she has NOT given you her agreement that she wants to stay with you. BIG DIFFERENCE regarding checking up on her in cases like this...


She is only passifying you as to not rock the boat too much while she plans her escape from someone who is STILL trying to control her. You are FORCING YOUR way on her and trying to make it look as if you have changed. She doesn't FEEL that from you because she thinks you are snooping on her every move. She has NOT agreed to staying with you. She has told you again and agai she is leaving.AFTER the affair was exposed. Keeping up the snooing is a big mistake because of that reason.

Please know, that I have not spoke with my friend who I had monitor her the situation for nearly 3 weeks now. At the time it was to monitor the is the EA had stopped or not. I believe it has died down enough to consider there to be no more A and I have resumed DBing. My W is going to think I am watching over her regardless if I do or don't. It has got to the point where I cannot even speak to my friend on general terms, so I don't.

It was established in my first thread that "snooping" was going controlling as you also suggested so I stopped. Since then my W has had conversations with my friend which she would not had done unless she felt he was NOT going back and telling me stuff.

I have no access to my W's cell phone. I can't check my W's cell phone logs. I don't even bother. My W does however, check my cell phone often. I have come to the realization of whether I check it or not or have someone "watch" her or not she is going to do what ever she wants to do and I can't change that, so why make matters worse? Therefore I don't.