How do I act?

[Surviving03]

Steady... you have me all figured out... I need to read this post on a daily basis, maybe even an hourly basis...

Once again, I slipped up yesterday, let H little signs of hope get to me, slept with him.... and then he started the pull away again..... ugghhhh!!!! I absolutely hate myself after we have sex...

He is so tough to read.... he started talkin to me yesterday out of the blue about the R ... explained to me again what his issues were in the marriage, and such... then asked me where I would like to live out of the bases on his list "if things were going to work out with us"... I took this all as a good sign... and one thing led to another.....

Then as the day went on, he seemed to do a pull away act again... so I told myself, get a hold of urself! stop falling for this... so I started to pull away too.... then later that night, he asked me to come snuggle with him and watch basketball with him.... so i did... for about 30 minutes, then went to bed (we still sleep in separate rooms) This morning, he seems distant again...

So its all very confusing.... but I can honestly say, that even though I have slip ups... I can feel myself going more towards detachment every day.... my emotions are really starting to exit and I am thinking more along the lines of, what do i really want and need?

I feel like I made it clear to H that I was not down with some his plans that he has made. He had told me before that if things were ever going to work out with us, he was not going to give up x,y, and z and if I couldnt deal with that then I had to go.... well I told him yesterday, I will go then... because I am not going to be a doormat, and I not going to be told by him that its this way or the highway.... that tells me his priorities, and I am not going to be in a M where i have to do 99% of the work and I have to give in to whatever he says... that is not a M and all that will mean is that I will be unhappy in the M... i think he heard me loud and clear... I meant every word of that... I told him its not necessarily that he cant do x,y, or z... but he isnt going to tell me its that or nothing... those things would require a conversation and some compromise and agreements....like married people do

I do find myself thinking that although I love H very much... I gotta look out for me and whats actually gonna be best for me.... and I am prepared for the outcome that being with him might not be what is best