Time for darkness.... (thread number 3)ears open

[DaddyLongShanks]

robx,

He's going to be fine if he does what he's supposed to.

[james217]

Then take a break. You're in an emotional state. Keep calm. Think before you talk. And I urge the other posters here to do the same. There are too many insults flying around here from both sides that are unnecessary. I don't care who started, just drop the personal attacks.

Too many feelings have been hurt here. I suggest everyone apologize to each other and try help one another not hurt each other.

All of you need to realize that there are real people behind this medium who hurt.

I'm guilty of this too and apologize to you for anything I might have said to offend you James and everyone else.

I apologize to anyone I may have hurt.

James~

I apologize if I have offended you.

My intention is never to hurt or harm.

it'll be aight. my apology is up above but i'm sorry as well.

James,
If all that you stated in your post of 8:10p.m. is true, I strongly and sincerely suggest:

1) You seriously consider temporary in-patient treatment at a State (=free) facility. And heal.

2) You find a lawyer who will sue that Police Departmenta nd City/Town for million$

I was told that if I do sue that things will be made very very hard (if like the school harrassment wasn't enough) for me here.

[james217]

I'm glad pretty much everyone here is so patient and understanding with someone who is really trying his damndest.

I'm sorry for ever joining this board. I will no longer post here since I'm so rude awful terrible pretty much stupid crazy have no nuts and all the other kind words people have had for me.

I hardly remember posts on here unless I write down information to remember and what I put in my journals. But that's fine.

Sometimes I just stare of into space forgetting im on the phone about appointments or any of that. WAW did all of that cause I would forget.

maybe i'm schitzo maybe i'm biploar who freaking knows. All I know is that somewhere deep down inside i wish I was the normal loving person I used to be.

I'd honestly rather be dead than to live life like this anymore. I dont even recognize the person i've become anymore.

so thanks everyone for trying. maybe i'm just a lost cause and I should just grant WAW her freedom because I will probably never be normal again.

Being tazed, being a victim of unresolved brutality by law enforcement, being in a situation like yours where your significant other may as well be a demon from hades.... Its going to strip your emotional strength. Why I said to find your confidence outside of your current situation. You can get past ALL of it, including the brutality and tazing, because in most situations there IS something you can do.

For example, on the wife, when she cut up your forearms, you could have called 9-11. Something would have happened, you might not have wanted the wife in jail, but its what she needed to cool down and learn there is a repurcussion. Maybe if you would have done this for this situation and others, you wouldn't be having the trouble you are today.

On the police brutality, and if there was a tazing which was unwarranted. You could have contacted the FBI, Internal Affairs, an Attourney ( some for free ), or even a Department outside of that precinct.

Sometimes there is nothing you can do, but in many cases there IS.

On your current pain, and feeling of hopelessness due to your current life situation. I'll give the advice I gave on other forums.

LOOK FORWARD. Get your ass into the gym, make a goal to be in the best shape of your life. Pick up a martial art. Learn to dance. Take a class or classes at a community college for something your interested in. Your going to meet new people doing each of these things. Get a second job. Each of these will empower you in various ways.

Stop taking a pounding. Its probably better not to complain here for a while, and throw your self in the gym and on GAL. Get more involved in programs at your church or others...

Your wife may not be the one for you. Like I said, make yourself conducive to other situations outside of your wife. This is probably what you need to do anyway to get her back if you wanted it.

Your going to be ok either way. Its the same advice many of us need to follow.b

the knife incident was an accident. I tried to grab it from her to keep her from doing any damage to me or herself (she was really scaring me with it) and I got cut on my arm because she was holding it to her chest and neck and suffering from an anxiety attack and heat exhaustion and would not give it to me so I grabbed it and got cut by the sharp end. Thats why I did not press charges.

My behaviour was probably very weird I honestly do not know. But I feel she overreacted. She admited it later. I honestly think that people put thoughts in her head to fear me but in her perception she probably did feel that way.

Plus with all the police harrassment I have gotten? I probably would have been the one they hauled off the jail. Even though I was the one a little bloodies up.

Both of of have very bad tempers and the stress and health issues have us both acting in ways no two people should have acted that day and few other days and alot of it has nothing to do with the other and it must be dealt with.

thats why my ic and therapy are important to me and my 12 step anger management. She's supposed to go but if she doesn't I cannot make her.

the last 3 times that did not occur so the space is working. both parties just need time to heal and to work on issues

after the surgery I'l get more active. I'm looking at getting some antidepressants and she needs some too we both have chemical imbalances that escalates situations with feelings of anger rage delusions and paranoia and that's no good.

[james217]

If you feel you are being sh*tted on by your W then why keep chasing or longing for somebody that will keep sh*tting on you at this time? But we said that a while back and it was not what you liked. My husband treated me like a queen for 12 years then dumped me shortly after I got sick. You really can't compare behavior from a WAS as a "before and after". What happened before is not relevant to what is happening now with your WAS. Honestly, it sounds best if the two of you stay away from each other. You both are not well and being together won't change that.

I am sorry but you still have made it seem like it is okay for some people to approach things a certain way yet wrong when others do the same thing.

Maybe an inpatient stay would be a good idea. Until you move past the idea that nobody here is attacking you despite what happened in your past, this board will do you no good. Stomping your feet and pulling out bits and pieces of other situations and saying how hurt your feelings are really prevents you from absorbing all there is to absorb here. You said very ugly things about me but here I am. If you want to leave the board then leave. If you want to stay then stay but don't be unkind and lash out at the peole who want to see your life get better. You say you have no friends yet on this very forum there are many people that have reached out to you and that wasn't right for you either.

because I still love her. I know that on top of the hurt we've caused there's other issues we need to work out indvidually that has pretty much of us attacking and going back and forth on occasion.

i've apologized and spent several posts addressing everything else you've stated. I'm not going to keep on dwelling on that and talking about it any further.

She has been there for me through alot and I know she's going through alot of emotions and problems as well and this is not the person she used to be. I'll just have to see if she gets help or continues to say she's gonna do it but not do it and then things get out of hand or we're back to argueing about petty stuff or she's baiting me and i'm falling into it.

I think she likes th e drama. I don't. So I'm going to change it.

I've already stated how I felt about it so have you. If you feel like you haven't done anything wrong then fine.

I'm not going to have cyber typing ping pong about the same thing over and over again

[DaddyLongShanks]

James217,

You get outside of your environment and in the gym, and stay off that phone I bet your anger and stress subsides in a couple of weeks. You will see the world differently.

Take care of yourself dude, you spent alot of time doing what you could with the wife and things where getting worse. Its not your fault, situation just messed up.

On the police sitch... Some things we do out of principle, because you feel worse if you didn't do anything about it. So you may not win, but you have to do something. Its up to you.

[james217]

James217,

You get outside of your environment and in the gym, and stay off that phone I bet your anger and stress subsides in a couple of weeks. You will see the world differently.

Take care of yourself dude, you spent alot of time doing what you could with the wife and things where getting worse. Its not your fault, situation just messed up.

On the police sitch... Some things we do out of principle, because you feel worse if you didn't do anything about it. So you may not win, but you have to do something. Its up to you.

it's deeper than just a few weeks man. LOl I got 12 weeks of anger management. Plus I have alot of things I'm ticked off about from my past and with me and WAW past and current sitch over the past few months.

she called tonight. left vm reminded me to go to eye doctor. Apologized for the way she acted last week and this weekend.

The rage inside both of us must stop period. We're unloading on each other instead of going to counseling and avoiding each other does not resolve our individual issues or issues we had before we got involved with the other.

so i'm taking a step back to relax and work on me. Maybe get some outpatient or a possible inpatient stay for a few days to see what happens.

i need rest. I might take a break and go dark on this board for awhile. I'm really stressed and frustrated confused and in a bad state right now

[DaddyLongShanks]

Unload that rage in the weight room. Its the PERFECT outlet. Another may be a martial art or learning to dance. Get some activities friend, stay away from the wife while she's doing whatever...

Your going to have plenty of time to "up your game".

[timehealsall]

Oh James..

I know that you did what you did because it felt RIGHT.. but the fact of the matter is that the people we love, people we are dealing with right now are in NOT the right state of minds!

They are effed up. They tell us what they want and how we failed them in the marriage, then when we try to show them that, they run and persecute us for it..

Fact of the matter is, that you just need to give them their space to figure things out and YOU, above all, need your space.

James, you are sooooo fragile right now. You have too many things going on in your life and your W has no regard for any of that. She has been poking and prodding you any chance she can. She will continue to unless YOU make moves.

You need to put this R on hold for now and just work on YOU.

No one is saying to leave your M or to not work on your M.. but fact of the matter is that you need to make sure that you are okay FIRST.

All of these things you are doing, which are NOT bad things, are PUSHING her away. You're making her wounds of guilt hurt and she is resenting you for that.. you look ANNOYING to her.

I'm telling you this because I made these same mistakes months ago.

I know that you feel hopeless and are so devastated that your life has turned out this way but you need to think of yourself. Your kids. Baby steps..

We are here for you. Please listen to everyone.

[CityGirl]

You can love somebody and still know that being with them or around them or pursuing them is not healthy. One has nothing to do with the other.

Clearly you and your W both have issues. Who doesn't? We all do but when two people have deep seeded issues (even if the issues are different) that are not addressed and worked on the combination can be highly toxic. Right now, despite the fact that you love your W any exchange the two of you have will be toxic.

We ALL hope our WAS get the help they need but honestly, many do not. People that walk away from a marriage (and children) are very typical. They walk away because they are unable to face their issues and decide it is easier to just bail. Combine that mindset with an affair and nothing you do or so will matter right now.

All we are trying to say is when you continually profess your love and adoration for your W you are taking away valuable head space in your own mind to really change mental paths. As I said before, part of going dark is not just the communication you have with a WAS but also the mindset you practice.

I have just as much right as you have to state what I think and feel and like you, I have no intention of playing "ping pong" as you said. You are such an angry person and that is really what you need to be working on. Until you learn how to manage such anger you will never be able to go forward. If a 12 step program is not aggressive enough for you then perhaps you need to look into other programs. While I may be direct your posts drip with anger and when so much anger is present effective communication will be stalled.

If you need a break then take a break. If you want things to change the first thing you need to change is to stop talking about your W so much. We all understand you love her and miss her and want her back but right now that will not happen in a healthy way. If you get emotionally healthy then you may (or may not) have the power to change the dynamic but until things are more stabilized for you and you better grasp what you need to do nothing healthy can happen.

Remove all the emotion from it and think of something unrelated to you. There is a reason they don't let male and females sponsor one another in AA. It is too easy for two addicts (unhealthy people) to become emotionally invested (be it sexually or something much deeper) when they are fragile. It would take all the focus off their recovery. Equate that to your situation. You have too many emotions tied to your W for you to recover at this time.

I feel you think this is an attack and it is not. Read any situation on this forum and you will see that nothing good ever happens until ONE person gets healthier. And that "one person" is usually the LBS. And I don't mean they reconcile (although some do) but the LBS starts to have a better and more stable life. A big part of the reason I stay on this forum despite the fact my situation is finished for good is because I find inspiration here each day.

There are many things in your past we (we = forum members) are not equipped to help you with. What this forum can help you with is the journey you will take for you and perhaps your W. I think you will find if you really do partake many of the other R's in your life will improve (and I don't mean romantic ones). You will eventually have the confidence to go out and meet new friends and build a life for you. You will not allow thoughts about your W to consume you every waking minute.

None of this is easy. You have made several comments to me that you are not as strong as me. I didn't get this way overnight. As I have said I was hospitalized twice during the thick of my situation. One of those times were related to lupus but the other time was a sheer mental breakdown. I used to hide in my back hallway because I was so riddled with anxiety it was the only place in the WORLD that felt somewhat safe to me. I spent 12-14 hours pacing around my apartment so consumed with panic and anxiety I couldn't function. I lost almost all of my hair due to stress. I went from the absolute bottom to finding a stable and good life. And I still have lots more work to do.

While you may have lost your vision I almost lost a kidney. So I can relate to you much better than you think I can.

This may sound stupid but it's what I think... I always think of this forum as a long chain of people. The people making the chain are the ones with a bit more experience. We never will let anybody break through the chain that needs help or direction. The chain will keep you safe until you are ready to be part of the chain. It doesn't really matter to me if you "like" me or not.

[james217]

I just found out I cannot have the surgery until I see the neurologist... they cannot give anestesia until they find out why I am hacing seizures.

I am really sick and the seizure aura is there. I am going to the hospital. I feel really really bad and my mom had doctor appt for pacemaker

Gives cg thumbs up. Thanks for the reply u too t.h.a.

I have been seizuring more lately. Everyone keep dbing and don't give up