Time for darkness.... (thread number 3)ears open

[james217]

I'm glad pretty much everyone here is so patient and understanding with someone who is really trying his damndest.

I'm sorry for ever joining this board. I will no longer post here since I'm so rude awful terrible pretty much stupid crazy have no nuts and all the other kind words people have had for me.

I hardly remember posts on here unless I write down information to remember and what I put in my journals. But that's fine.

Sometimes I just stare of into space forgetting im on the phone about appointments or any of that. WAW did all of that cause I would forget.

maybe i'm schitzo maybe i'm biploar who freaking knows. All I know is that somewhere deep down inside i wish I was the normal loving person I used to be.

I'd honestly rather be dead than to live life like this anymore. I dont even recognize the person i've become anymore.

so thanks everyone for trying. maybe i'm just a lost cause and I should just grant WAW her freedom because I will probably never be normal again.

Being tazed, being a victim of unresolved brutality by law enforcement, being in a situation like yours where your significant other may as well be a demon from hades.... Its going to strip your emotional strength. Why I said to find your confidence outside of your current situation. You can get past ALL of it, including the brutality and tazing, because in most situations there IS something you can do.

For example, on the wife, when she cut up your forearms, you could have called 9-11. Something would have happened, you might not have wanted the wife in jail, but its what she needed to cool down and learn there is a repurcussion. Maybe if you would have done this for this situation and others, you wouldn't be having the trouble you are today.

On the police brutality, and if there was a tazing which was unwarranted. You could have contacted the FBI, Internal Affairs, an Attourney ( some for free ), or even a Department outside of that precinct.

Sometimes there is nothing you can do, but in many cases there IS.

On your current pain, and feeling of hopelessness due to your current life situation. I'll give the advice I gave on other forums.

LOOK FORWARD. Get your ass into the gym, make a goal to be in the best shape of your life. Pick up a martial art. Learn to dance. Take a class or classes at a community college for something your interested in. Your going to meet new people doing each of these things. Get a second job. Each of these will empower you in various ways.

Stop taking a pounding. Its probably better not to complain here for a while, and throw your self in the gym and on GAL. Get more involved in programs at your church or others...

Your wife may not be the one for you. Like I said, make yourself conducive to other situations outside of your wife. This is probably what you need to do anyway to get her back if you wanted it.

Your going to be ok either way. Its the same advice many of us need to follow.b

the knife incident was an accident. I tried to grab it from her to keep her from doing any damage to me or herself (she was really scaring me with it) and I got cut on my arm because she was holding it to her chest and neck and suffering from an anxiety attack and heat exhaustion and would not give it to me so I grabbed it and got cut by the sharp end. Thats why I did not press charges.

My behaviour was probably very weird I honestly do not know. But I feel she overreacted. She admited it later. I honestly think that people put thoughts in her head to fear me but in her perception she probably did feel that way.

Plus with all the police harrassment I have gotten? I probably would have been the one they hauled off the jail. Even though I was the one a little bloodies up.

Both of of have very bad tempers and the stress and health issues have us both acting in ways no two people should have acted that day and few other days and alot of it has nothing to do with the other and it must be dealt with.

thats why my ic and therapy are important to me and my 12 step anger management. She's supposed to go but if she doesn't I cannot make her.

the last 3 times that did not occur so the space is working. both parties just need time to heal and to work on issues

after the surgery I'l get more active. I'm looking at getting some antidepressants and she needs some too we both have chemical imbalances that escalates situations with feelings of anger rage delusions and paranoia and that's no good.