The dreaded LIMBO

[Allen A]

Oh, and if you can get away with it, don't INVITE him to birthday parties... he doesn't show up and lies aobut it anyhow... don't expose your son to behaviour that is just going to HURT him...

He hurts YOU, he will hurt his son.

[Allen A]

And lastly...

Yes, these are all just words he is offering.

Remember : He offered "words" at his wedding about "til death do us part", "love, honour, and cherish" etc...

Look how much he respected those commitments... and THAT was in front of a whole mess of people... he still lied.

[Allen A]

Aaaaaaaaaaaand another point... lol

If you talk to him in person or on the phone your FT and your father cannot review what he's saying to you full in order to support you very well.. if you limit to email you can always forward whatver yo like to whomever you want for additional objective insight...

[4luv]

LOL...thx Allen. I agree with all points EXCEPT one. I am going to have him at son's bday party. I just can't not invite him...a personal decision. Don't worry, my dad will be at the party as well so I am sure my dad will give me PLENTY of "looks" as well as husband if things are not going right. My dad is REALLY upset by husband's words to "reconcile" and believes that he is still playing around.

[Allen A]

OK, just keep by your dad's side the whole time your H is there, I suspect your H won't go near you if your father is with you... tell your F its buddy system for you until H leaves... do NOT find yourself ALONE at ANY TIME... if your F can't do it find someone else who has the balls to tell your H where to go if he comes anywhere near you.

And yes, you CAN just not invite him, you are choosing to include him... its ok, tha'ts your call... but it is a choice you are making.. and it IS sending your H mixed signals ... if you think he's good enough to be around your son, he's going to assume he's good enough for you too.

[Marked&Healed]

Yes, keep from being alone. Son benefits from having him there, regardless of his age. However, your dad will be your rock.

[newmama]

4luv- I just read as many of your threads as I could find!
I hope that your FT guides you well. This is tricky-believing whether or not he has ended things with OW-and you do not want a false R. Be very firm- you are worth it!

Does he really have a sociopathic personality??? Or was that just someone's online diagnosis based on your posts?lol! (I hope)

[4luv]

Hi all and thx newmama for catching up on my thread.

I had typed out a long update but realized that I had even more to say and I am not quite ready to share it all yet. To put things short, my husband and I talked face to face this weekend (he talked , I listened) and he came out with a lot of things that I already knew from snooping and alot of things that I had no idea of. HE is still saying that he wants so badly for us to reconcile, etc. and that he made this mess and he wants to clean it up and hopefully I will give him and our marriage another chance.

I am not ready to share everything because I knew that an affair was happening but the realization of hearing my husband say what happened, why, what he felt at the time, etc. is more HURTFUL AND PAINFUL than I ever imagined. Now I feel bad because I prayed daily for my husband and for my marriage and it could be a possibility butnow the pain is too much.

Question...how do you decide how much of the truth you want to hear. I almost feel like if I know too much I won't be able to move past it. My husband cheated with this girl while we dated and now this betrayal after we were married just hurts. And the fact that I thought he "got" how much pain he caused me when we were dating and for him to do it again I just don't know. My mom is telling me to go slow and see if I can give it another chance but to not move in or do anything for another 6 months (I agree) but my dad is saying to cut my losses and move forward.

Husband was wearing his wedding band again and he did make hhis first appointment with my FT. I told him I won't go with him rihgt now and he understood. He says that he has a lot of work to do on himself before he can build on our marriage but hopes that I will join him in FT eventually.

[Lotus]

4luv,

I'm happy to hear that your husband has come to his senses. He is right, he has made a terrible mess, probably more than he imagines, or wants to face. One book that my H and I read when we were reconciling, that we found helpful was "After the Affair" by Janis Spring. Also, I don't know if you have heard of Retrouvaille, but they offer weekends where couples are helped to reconcile. The Retrouvaille program is particularly effective at helping people to recognize their mistakes and get over the past, allowing the marriage to move into a much better future. A list of locations and weekends can be found on their website, www.helpourmarriage.org.

[newmama]

Question...how do you decide how much of the truth you want to hear. I almost feel like if I know too much I won't be able to move past it.

from what I have read and from a close friend of mine, you don't know. This is not a quick process. You will probably ask him more questions as time goes on.
For me, it will be important that he answer any question I have without being frustrated with me. I don't know what you will want. A close friend of mine wanted to know every detail and it has been 16 months and they still talk about the A (2 month long A) at least 2x a week because that is what she needs. Her H has been very honest and patient and has done everything she has asked of him. My friend's obsession was more with OW than her H...she actually ended up meeting with her and talking/drinking for 5 hours and then she let the obsession go. (But that is not for everyone!!!!!)

So you don't have to know everything right now...and seriously, there really are some very gory intimate details that you might want to know but then regret asking (from what I guess).

I AM ROOTING FOR YOU 4luv!!! They say R is even harder than limbo so find your inner strength (AGAIN) and hold on for the ride. Heck if you need to get away to absorb it all, do it!