Gatsby, i read some of the comments your inlaws relayed to you regarding your H. I swear we could possibly be sharing the same H!
" + He has a problem with a lot of parts of our marriage: my independence and "not needing him," how we didn't eat dinner together, how we did so many things separately + He acknowledges that we were a good team and very compatible in many ways. + He says that he still loves me and still considers me his best friend. + He says he's been faithful to me this whole time + His parents definitely see him as being extremely selfish righ tnow. He even says that he is really selfish. + He does want to be a pa rt of the baby's life, and even has a goal from therapy for the three of us to do something together as a family (but not really he and I being a couple)"
My H said similar things to me! What makes me so angry is that all of the things above, and reasons why they say they left, are all fixable!! For example, my H said his studies pushed us further apart, we didnt spend as much time together like we used to, etc. etc.... but nothing which struck me that he would leave!
We just have to remember to ignore what they say... i know, i know easier said than done! but our H's obviously have to come up with something to validate what they did. Looking back over your list, you should be proud of yourself! He doesnt know how good he had it... no where on that list does it say he left you because of your infedility, or b/c you were insane, or bc you were violent or on drugs, or because you were lazy or hurtful, or a mean person! He has no real good reason for having left... except for his own personal issues.
What everyone tells me over and over is that H left because he has his own life issues to sort out... none of which really have to do with me... in your case you... your H wants to point the finger so badly at you for things like not eating dinner together? really... was it so hard to say "Honey, i miss having dinner with you?" or how about he cook a meal or take you out to dinner and try to do his end of the bargain? are they real grounds for a separation? NO!
What I am saying is dont take it personal... his parents, I am sure, think the same thing too.
I am not sure about you but my 3 month separation has taught me so many things I want to fix about myself, and things in our marriage I would fix immediately if given the chance. Hard part is that our H's are too withdrawn and scared to see that we are really capable of doing so.
My inlaws call to keep in touch and keep it brief or ask about my pregnancy, but no longer ask or do i tell them about the H and I's conversations and so on. I relied on their help too much in the beginning and it caused more anger and distance between H and me. I was desperate... now looking back i am not sure I woud have called them or asked for their help the same. the night i recieved the D papers, i called and felt they had nothing to give, they thought i wanted the divorce too... i took things the wrong way... Big mess, which later involved FIL coming over in tears to apologize. and since then H and I only communicate through one another and have no go between... it is actually much easier for me. i dont have to analyze what they say, or think if its their interpretation or what H really said. My psychologist told me at the time, i shouldnt have brought them into it and only made H feel attacked and wasnt helping me... in the end it is their son. they will do anything to protect him. Not sure that it works for everyone, but since we kicked everyone out of it... we have been able to get along much better.
But not sure if that is good in a great way... H thinks we are best friends... and since i told him yesterday it couldnt work that way, hei s now angry with me...
and so the cycle continues... two steps forward... one step back...
