Bunny, I applaud your courage in taking this first step in bringing the manipulation and abuse you were subjected to (and which, of course, is totally fine and innocent in H's eyes) to the light of day. Starting with those closest to you is wise. Time to stop hiding it. Hiding something that wrong and that damaging just leads to "hidden secrets" as if there is something wrong with exposing abuse. This leads, as I'm sure you know, to the the growth of inappropriate, invalid toxic shame. Expose H. Shout it from the rooftops. Let him rationalize his abuse to all his family, friends and acquaintances like he did to you. In other words, "questions are being asked"? Let him answer them...and answer to them!
Time for him to be exposed, ostracized, and shunned as the monster he is.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Thanks you everyone. My friends' support here has been and continues to be so appreciated. I love you guys!
I'm home now, back from my trip. I felt a lot better while I was gone, it feels like a weight is now back on me. My mom was a little concerned because I didn't talk much about my trip when I was picking up Jazzie and Chester yesterday. I had a good time, I really did, but I just don't have much to say about it for some reason, and I don't know why.
I had emailed Mom and Dad some pics from our afternoon in Galveston, including the one that's my new FB image. She printed them off to give to Grandma and my Aunt, and they said that they hadn't seen me look that happy in a long time (I am smiling in those pics!) So obviously, something is different here, I'm just not sure what it is because I thought I had been doing well and people have told me I am more relaxed since the split.
Item #2: While I was gone, Stbx admitted to D17 that he is indeed seeing someone. On one level, it doesn't bother me; on another level, it does feel like a kick in the gut. Whatever, he can do what he wants, just keep her out of the house because the kids aren't ready to handle that yet.
I wonder if he told her of his need for "variety", because if it wasn't personal to me, then no reason he wouldn't have been upfront with her about it, right? (yeah, right...) How long can he stay with one woman before the novelty wears off and he needs another? If that's not the case, he lied to me because then it was something personal about me and he was too much of a coward to let me go. How was it better to drag me through that crap instead of just getting a divorce and finding someone else and letting me find someone who will treat me right?
I would love to be a fly on the wall and hear his version of events and reasons for the split as he tells them to close confidants. I'm pretty damn sure he leaves that part out, or if he does include it, I "lied" about my true feelings about swinging and strung him along. Most likely he leaves that out and focuses on my alleged anxiety and self-esteem issues and how he just couldn't "help" me anymore. Whatever...
Item #3 I wanna move south eventually. The people here are very friendly and it's a relatively cheap place to live, but these gray skies are so depressing. I can handle cold and snow if the sun is out, but Cleveland is one of the cloudiest cities in the country. I guess we have lake-effect clouds just like we have lake-effect snow. I need sunshine, and everything just seemed more relaxed in the southern states. A fresh start sounds really good.
Item #4 Stbx still hasn't countered my counter to his financial proposal. I'll ask him about it later this week if I don't hear anything in the next few days.
Bunny, Item #1: Sometimes we don't have anything to say because...there's nothing to say. And isn't that good? And calm. And content. Especially in contrast to the aftermath of bombs and sitches and daily B.S. that we just always have to say something about to someone!!(if that makes sense) And you do look good and relaxed in your picture.
Item #2: Too bad he told D. But it/he's renting too much space in your head from what I read. At least until I got to that last, wonderful word/summary: "Whatever..." That's more like it!
Item#3: Do it. Or at the very least, start drawing up plans, lists, etc. I'm going to move. And I'm planning steps now. Feels good even to just get the wheels turning and then see it take shape on paper.
Item #4: Screw it. That's what the Ls are for.
Welcome back.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I had a really nice day, took D17 to breakfast and had a nice talk with her, and spent the evening with a friend after dropping S19 back at school. Therefore, I should not have been surprised to see this email from stbx in my inbox tonight.
I was very disappointed by your reaction to my offer. I thought that we had agreed in our discussion last month to be reasonable and rational, and to keep the lawyers out of it until and unless we had exhausted all possibilities. Your reply doesn't seem to embrace those sentiments.
I continue to be concerned about the degree to which your decisions are being influenced by external forces. I feel that you're being pressured by people who have no interest in our lives, or the lives of our children, other than to encourage you to "put the bastard through the ringer". It's very easy to sit on the sidelines and give extremist advice when you don't have to live through the consequences. You and I and our children are the ones who will have to live through those consequences, and are the only ones who can be damaged by them. Friends' and families' cheerleading and "go get 'em" attitudes can be comforting and even a little self-satisfying, but both of us need to carefully weigh the probable outcomes and long-term effects of blindly following outsider's well-meaning, but often over-enthusiastic guidance.
Our own emotions on the topic can make it very difficult to separate other peoples' feedback into what's best for us and our children and what's just radical advice and empty platitudes to make us feel better; we have to continue to strive for making that differentiation.
I understand that you're concerned about being too easily swayed into a sub-optimal settlement, and are looking to others for strength, but in the end, the decision has to be yours alone. As I said above, no one else has to live with the consequences of their advice, and most likely wouldn't even use that same advice in their own lives.
If you continue your trend toward the extremes, my back will be pushed up against the wall and I'll have few options left to me, so I reiterate from my email a month ago: I very much want to get back on track and keep our long-term relationship from going sour. Please let me know if you are still willing to have a rational discussion and hopefully come to a reasonable agreement. My goal has been, and continues to be, to finish this process in the least disruptive and most amicable way possible.
He didn't say what he thought was unreasonable in my counter other, just how disappointed he was with it and me, I therefore assume everything was unreasonable. I'm not really surprised. Back to wanting to hate him.
Bunny, Bunny, IGNORE THIS AND ALL TEXTS. He has no leg to stand on. He'll lose in court, he's starting to "lose" his kids, and he's going to start to lose in the "court" of public and family opinion. He is desperate and doing the only thing he used to be able to bank on: eff with your head and manipulate you. Send these texts to your L. Tell H you will respond to no texts and will just forward them to your L. Maybe that will stop him.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I am disappointed you didn't just roll over and do what I wanted you to do. Because you're listening to other people and forming your own opinion, I stand to suffer some consequences of my actions, both personally and financially. I am, of course, speaking in a reasonable tone to gaslight you and make you think you're the crazy one. Please meet with me personally so I can manipulate you into a settlement which is not in your interest and not what you are entitled to after years of marriage and abuse.
I have a lot to lose. Remember, it's all about me.
Sincerely,
H
Bunny's reply:
Dear H,
I see that your head is still firmly stuck up your rectum, so I suppose it's difficult to see things clearly at the moment. If you persist in trying to manipulate me or sway me from protecting myself and my interests, I will be happy to let the lawyers fight it out and charge the bill to you. I am sure that will be a better alternative to you than simply being a stand up guy and doing what's right. In fact, the world may end if you admit you're a supreme douchebag and take responsibility for your behavior, so perhaps going down this path *is* the best course of action.
You also did not mention what you found so egregious from my settlement; perhaps we would be able to negotiate better if you explained what you found to be unfair. But I'm certain the only thing of concern to you is that I did not roll over and do what you wanted me to. I apologize, as the side effect of leaving you was discovering I did, indeed, have a backbone and personal value.
Please direct all future communication to my lawyer, as it's clear we are at an impasse. In the meantime, I invite you to go f*** yourself, as it seems that is a pastime you are particularly fond of.
Regards,
Bunny
**** How about that?
SD
Last edited by SDFoundGirl; 04/19/1005:43 AM.
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Bunny, Part Two: Also, "I was very disappointed by your reaction to my offer."How condescending!
"I continue to be concerned (yeah, right.)about the degree to which your decisions are being influenced by external forces." Translation: Bunny has no mind of her own.
"I feel that you're being pressured by people who have no interest in our lives, or the lives of our children" Again, Bunny has no mind of her own.
"put the bastard through the ringer" Translation: poor, victimized me.
"It's very easy to sit on the sidelines and give extremist advice" Translation: advice friends and family give you is "extremist" because it doesn't conform to his carefully crafted plan.
"You and I and our children are the ones who will have to live through those consequences, and are the only ones who can be damaged by them." Now he's suddenly concerned with damaging life-choice consequences? That's a first!
"Friends' and families' cheerleading and "go get 'em" (translation: "Go get him.") attitudes can be comforting and even a little self-satisfying, but both of us need to carefully weigh the probable outcomes and long-term effects of blindly following outsider's well-meaning, but often over-enthusiastic guidance." Translation: "I'm afraid of you talking and listening to and Blindly Following(because you don't have a mind of your own) anyone! don't listen to people who tell you I'm just a pr!ck."
"Our own emotions on the topic can make it very difficult to separate other peoples' feedback into what's best for us and our children and what's just radical advice and empty platitudes to make us feel better; we have to continue to strive for making that differentiation."????Non-sensical pap. Meant to fluster you and make you wonder why you don't get it.
"I understand that you're concerned about being too easily swayed into a sub-optimal settlement, and are looking to others for strength," So Bunny is mindless and just being "Swayed" and needs to look to others for strength, since you obviously have no mind or inner strength of your own!
"but in the end, the decision has to be yours alone." As long as it is identical to his! "As I said above, no one else has to live with the consequences" He's suddenly a real convert to considering the consequences of decisions and actions, isn't he?
"If you continue your trend toward the extremes," How dare he! "my back will be pushed up against the wall and I'll have few options left to me" threat (but an empty threat and he knows it but is banking on you not knowing it).
"I very much want to get back on track and keep our long-term relationship from going sour." Um, a few years too late for this.
"Please let me know if you are still willing to have a rational discussion and hopefully come to a reasonable agreement." Because after all, Bunny, you are neither rational or reasonable.
Originally Posted By: SpyBunny
He didn't say what he thought was unreasonable in my counter other, just how disappointed he was with...me
Isn't this "tsk, tsk,disappointed with Bunny" how he guilted you into everything, even doubting your own convictions?....
Originally Posted By: SpyBunny
Back to wanting to hate him.
Don't hate. Pity. Ignore. Do not interact. At all. Go through lawyers. Trust me as an "outsider" who cares very much for you and about your sitch: this is a scary, scared, manipulative, desparate man who knows he is on a losing fast-track and is trying to brow-beat you into submission, which he is the proven expert in.
Stay away. Far away. Lawyer, lawyer, lawyer, please!
Again, tell him to never text or email you again. If he does, you will not read them, you will forward them to your lawyer. YOU NEED THIS BOUNDARY!
Bunny, I'm just livid at this mind-effing manipulation. I wouldn't have spent almost an hour on this - with an outsider's eye - if I wasn't.
He's losing. And he knows it. And he's despearate and scared. A very bad combination! GO DARK!
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
And you do look good and relaxed in your picture.