IMO your H got so angry when you exposed because you interrupted his plan of doing what he was doing. NOTHING he has done recently has made me think he is sorry, repentant, or gives a damn.
If you are too scared at the moment to risk your H walking then don't push too hard - if you can handle him leaving then do what you need to - but base it on good solid information. It would be awful to help him exit and then find out it was done on half baked suppositions.
I am with Jac in that I think you need time to reflect.
What's important to you - breaking up the A and still having a chance of working at your M, or just breaking up the A. Because I can see just the second happening if you 'go ghandi' again. It didn't scratch the surface last time.
When I told my H he had to stop his A or that was it, he knew I meant it. He could 'smell' it on me. He knew I would also go for blood. It was instinctive and gutteral and totally done without thought. Your H can 'smell' your indecision and he knows he has you second guessing him. He also has this control issue which the 'ghandi' route just reinforces his feelings about you IMO.
Now exposure hasn't been as effective as it could have been, I honestly think the best thing you can do is what I have outlined before. You couldn't even stand a weekend of NC with your H after the way he has treated you about Retro. No way are you willing to put out ultimatums and stand by them at the moment. The day you are ready you will know if that is the right course for you.
I am signing off for the night - hope you get some sleep
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Exactly.. the fact that YOU stood up for your marriage with maturity left him disarmed...
a. You didn't whine and beg him to come home and cry like a baby b. you didn't toss him out and complain to all his friends that he is a good for nothing bum
He acted like a child, but you responded with maturity... he had little choice but to go underground and pretend he's being adult about everything.
This is the point MWD is getting at in DR... if you respond to immaturity like an adult, your spouse in many cases will in have no choice but to do the same.
Now... dont get me wrong I know he's acting childish, but publically he's got to maintain his good guy image now.. you gave him no choice based on how you exposed his affair.. you exposed with love and maturity...
And it did piss him off.. BOTH of them publically responded with a mature response to it...
If he kept up the affair publically after you exposed he would have been the talk of the town...
Note : If you read maynard's thread he exposed and his wife bit the bullet and just kept up the parade of the affair all over town... she didn't CARE if she made a fool of herself.
This is NOT how your H responded to your exposure, your husband ran for cover instead...
If he continues to act like the mature husband in public then exposure will do damage... he's trying to maintain a good public image, it is his weak point. He just never expected you had the talent to turn his love story into a scandal and look the better person for it... I honestlty don't think he thought you had it in you...
He expected you to hide under the covers and keep quiet or to toss him out into the street
You threw him a curve ball and he had to rethink his strategy...
1. Don't expose if you can't follow through with the consequences 2. He can tell you are weak on the follow through so he's going to push you hard there
I do think your exposure did make a dent earlier. I think his public image is important to him. You may not have convinced him infidelity is harmful and childish, but you did shake him up and put a stop to his parading the affair all over town with pride.
Your actions didn't end the affair, but I definitely think he's been forced to rethink his strategy. THAT came about because you exposed the affair so well. If you had sat back and did nothing you would likley be miserable and depressed right now... And he would be pursuing OW in the open and enjoying that love nest still...
You stopped all that... and I think it put you closer to saving your marriage because of it.
But the advice on these boards is so invaluable and even just the support, knowing there are caring people willing to help out a complete stranger... well, thank you all so much.
I think a lot of people enjoy discussing infidelity as an OFFENSE rather than a love story.
Many people who first experience infidelity are in shock... They have been so brainwashed by hollywood that infidelity is some tragic love story that they never for once realized how violated and painful being on the receiving end can be.
They have a whole range of emotions they never expected or understood rush through them... They watch TV and television often just makes it into a big joke.
They come here and read post after post and gradually realize they aren't crazy after all. Infidelity IS HORRIBLE and its not just you!
It's a wonderful feeling to find out your feelings are normal and the media is the one that's uninformed...
I thought I was nuts at first... I had no idea I would feel so violated and hurt... Never even occurred to me... Hollywood rarely shows the pain involved in infidelity... it was a HUGE SHOCK to the system. I come here and I am told "yup, the media's got it wrong, you are normal and this IS a horrible thing to do to someone"
You people are gonna get sick of me.. one more point...
To look at this the MWD way : A leopard can change his spots and one person can change another
1. Your H was originally parading OW around town as his soul mate in the open 2. You "did something different" - you exposed the affair as destructive 3. He changed what HE was doing as a result of YOUR ACTIONS - he went into hiding and screwing around on facebook. Your H ended the public contact.
That happened because of what you did.. you can influence what he does... You just need to find the thing to do to make that happen... and ya, its very hard to find it.
Not happy. NOT NOT happy. Just came home from weekend and H hasn't been home since yesterday at 2 pm. Didn't show up to pick up DSS20 from work. I peed and pooped the dogs, DSS16 (who is very lazy and irresponsible) was left home alone all this time and did feed and pee the dogs earlier, but basically left them in their kennels all weekend so he didn't have to "deal" with them. There's poop in the kennels, which means they were not taken out, and there's poop in my bedroom. These dogs are HOUSE TRAINED. For them to poop in the house, that means they were NEGLECTED the entire weekend.
I left at 6 am on Saturday morning. I fed, peed and pooped the dogs, and left them in their kennels to go back and take naps until H got up later that morning. If there was poop in my bedroom, that means H put them in there to keep from having to be bothered by them.
He's basically acting like DSS16 - immature, irresponsible and LAZY.
To not take care of the needs of the dogs, I am just furious. He blew off his kids, didn't tell them (again) where he'd be, how he could be reached (no cell phone) and how to get a hold of him in an emergency. Not to mention not telling them they'd have to cook for themselves... not that they're not old enough to figure that out, but it would have been nice to make sure they knew to take something out of the freezer and put it in the slow cooker or something similar.
DSD spoke to me for the hour ride home from my mom's house about how she's concerned. Dad keeps disappearing to go hang out with friends he had in high school, drinking and driving, out all night, never knowing where he is, he's acting like a nut when they're around (playing with them, over the top playing, trying to make them laugh and play back - like one of their peers rather than their dad), and Friday totally blew up at her twin - yelled like I've never seen before, called him a cry baby, ridiculed him (he wasn't doing what he was supposed to be doing - he was supposed to go to boy scouts on a camp out and has some emotional problems, he wouldn't get out of the car and H blew up, yelled, hit my door - dented my car speaker - threw a baby hissy fit and called DSS a baby also. NEVER seen him act like this) She suspects OW but I haven't told her yet. It's not her I'm worried about, it's her telling the boys and they would have identity issues with it. I still have to feel them out about it. She said that Dad is basically acting younger than they are and she said sometimes it seems like he's a 4 year old and sometimes their age, 15. She is worried b/c he never tells them anything and when she asks where he's been he yells at her saying things like "oh, now my daughter is giving me the third degree." He also ridicules her, which he's never done before. He's always been very sensitive to his kids.
He has some issues with them because he met their mother when he was 23, she was 18 and they only knew each other a few weeks when she got pregnant and he married her. Then he asked for a divorce 4 years later but she went off of birth control and onto fertility meds and wound up with twins. He stayed another 4 years. He loves his kids, but also feels like they are the reason he never got to be on his own, never got to become the man he would have... so there's some resentment there also. He's always been more of a friend than a dad, but lately he's taking it to the extreme and not allowing for ANY responsibility on his part. He is not a dad at all, he's totally their friend. The first time I've seen him try to parent since this whole thing began was him throwing a complete hissy fit on DSS on Friday.
One of the thing I'm really worried about with leaving him in care of the children is that he will just leave it all up to DSD15. She's worried about that also. She said if I go take care of myself she will be the one making dinners, doing the shopping and taking care of all the animals. She said Dad will just ask them to do it all and the boys won't do it and so to avoid being yelled at, she'll take on all the responsibility.
These kids have enough on their plates. Their mom just basically abandoned them to move 17 hours away down south, they have emotional issues from years of emotional and verbal (some physical) abuse, they were parentified from an early age (for those of you that don't know, that's a form of abuse where young children are asked to be the adults in a home while the parents are off being children - in their case, they had to take care of two younger children by their mom's second M while they were drinking or out running around - they were babysitting and making dinners, etc since they were 8) Many, many DSS calls before they were finally given to us to raise just 5 years ago.
I just don't know as unstable as their lives have been if I can ask them to put up with more instability on the part of their dad. And the boys, especially the youngest, want a R with their dad so badly, I feel like they are willing to accept just about anything right now to be close to him, even if it means accepting me being hurt and mistreated.
Well at least the addiction of the affair doesn't make him a poor father. Thank goodness for that.
Right pup, this must give you some flashbacks eh? Wanna tell Pass that story of your wife abandoning your kids for the afternoon? This sounds like the exact same thing! LO
