Well, disregarding friends, family and your hubby, what feels best for you? What do you want to do regarding the D papers?
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
I have very mixed feelings about signing them. However, I'm no longer afraid of them either. I guess I'm really wondering what he is thinking with now wanting to wait 3 months to file them? I'm pondering what his modifies are with the me signing them and waiting 3 months. If it really is to protect both of us, and he is starting to have second thoughts about a D. Then I think I'm ok with it.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
I know you've had a L review them, but have you asked your L about the implications of signing them? IMO your L should advise you on this. If it's not right for you to sign, then change your mind and tell him that your L has advised against it. Also, you are still in a fragile emotional state. Is it possible that your feelings about the D agreements might change as you grow stronger? I could see how that might happen.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
The L said it was ok for me to sign. I think I am going to sign. I'm just really confussed about him wanting to wait 3 months to file. Not sure if it's because he is having second thoughts or if there is some other motive. I know I'm not supposed to read his mind, but it's been on my mind a lot these last few days.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
First of all, D is not final unless one of you see it that way. My dad remarried my step mom... after a few years of separation.
Secondly, there are ways to protect yourself from the other financially. There is the "innocent spouse" assumption the IRS holds, for instance. D is not needed to stop financial protection. There are stopgaps in place b/c in many M's one spouse is detrimental to the financial health of the M.
Seen H last night at the house, he has been packing to move this weekend and when I first got there it did bring me down a little seeing his stuff in boxes.
I signed D papers yesterday and handed them to H last night. He asked if I wanted to wait 3 months to file. I told him that was his decision not mine and that he knows how I feel about this. He kept asking me that, like he wanted it to my decision, and I refused to answer and just kept telling him it was in hands. He finally said that he wanted to wait 3 months. I asked why wait. And he informed me that he is having 2nd thoughts. And that he changes his mind every day. He also mentioned that packing up all his stuff has been emotionally hard for him. He said he thought we needed some time a part, 2-3 months and then decide to work it out or not. He said he thought after 2 months I wouldn't want him back anymore. With that, I said I've wanted you back these last 5 months, and 2 months would not change my mind. I did a lot of validating and even joked that he would probably like the bachelor life better anyway. To this he said NO, he didn't like it already.
He said he has been having 2nd thoughts for awhile, but didn't want to say anything to me because he didn't want to give me hope and have me go crazy and start stalking him again (his words).
Not sure if I should read much into all this. However, it's the first sign in the last 2 months that he is thinking maybe D is not the answer.
Whether the above means anything or not, I've been GAL and detaching with love. And not matter what happens to my M, it is worth to me. Hmmmm, I think about a million people on here have been telling me this since Dec (-:
I would love to see what some of the veterans think about this.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
The SAME exact thing happened in my stitch. It wasn't until my husband got EXACTLY what he had been asking for (his own apartment, freedom to do what he wanted, me away from him) that he FINALLY started to wake up and have second thoughts. And all the time that I had been GAL when I thought he didn't notice and the OW going crazy and pursuing him more and more really turned things around in my favor. Also, when I moved out essentially and husband got his new apartment he realized that what he really missed was his family. In our old apartment even without me there he still had memories, but in his new apartment with none of my decorating touches, no memories, and him starting over I think it got to him.
Remember though to be even MORE detached. REALLY GIVE HIM HIS SPACE. NO MORE TALK from you on saving the marriage. Your husband sounds like he wants to try to work it out but doesn't want the pressure of "trying" to work it out...he said he doesn't want to give you false hope and then you take it and run. Let him lead...NO TALK AT ALL FROM YOU ON MARRIAGE, FAMILY, ETC.
GIVE HIM PLENTY OF SPACE. he is on his own now so let him REALLY FEEL HOW BEING ON HIS OWN IS. I gotta strong feeling he won't like it too much :-)
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
4luv, thank you. In Feb when he thought about working it out I became very pushy with him. And ended up pushy him even further away. Once he gave me any hope I went crazy with pursing him.
This time I know now what I need to do and that is to let him take the lead on working on our M. In the meantime, I'm working on myself and my own issues.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
Same happened in my home... once I stopped talking to her and had half my things packed and the guest room was bare she started pursuing me... asking me out and such...
It takes months for people to get what is said on this forum... Look at Ken right now..he's been told a hundred times to stop pursuit, but he just keeps doing it.
It will take him several more months before he understands that No Contact is the best solution in most cases.. and it takes months to learn how to DO IT.
I don't know if I would go as far as joking with your H mb28, but definitely keep up the indifferent air you seem to be projecting to him...
I still find it offensive how much control he is assuming over this whole thing but... that's my problem to deal with...
