I'm glad pretty much everyone here is so patient and understanding with someone who is really trying his damndest.
I'm sorry for ever joining this board. I will no longer post here since I'm so rude awful terrible pretty much stupid crazy have no nuts and all the other kind words people have had for me.
I hardly remember posts on here unless I write down information to remember and what I put in my journals. But that's fine.
Sometimes I just stare of into space forgetting im on the phone about appointments or any of that. WAW did all of that cause I would forget.
maybe i'm schitzo maybe i'm biploar who freaking knows. All I know is that somewhere deep down inside i wish I was the normal loving person I used to be.
I'd honestly rather be dead than to live life like this anymore. I dont even recognize the person i've become anymore.
so thanks everyone for trying. maybe i'm just a lost cause and I should just grant WAW her freedom because I will probably never be normal again.
Being tazed, being a victim of unresolved brutality by law enforcement, being in a situation like yours where your significant other may as well be a demon from hades.... Its going to strip your emotional strength. Why I said to find your confidence outside of your current situation. You can get past ALL of it, including the brutality and tazing, because in most situations there IS something you can do.
For example, on the wife, when she cut up your forearms, you could have called 9-11. Something would have happened, you might not have wanted the wife in jail, but its what she needed to cool down and learn there is a repurcussion. Maybe if you would have done this for this situation and others, you wouldn't be having the trouble you are today.
On the police brutality, and if there was a tazing which was unwarranted. You could have contacted the FBI, Internal Affairs, an Attourney ( some for free ), or even a Department outside of that precinct.
Sometimes there is nothing you can do, but in many cases there IS.
On your current pain, and feeling of hopelessness due to your current life situation. I'll give the advice I gave on other forums.
LOOK FORWARD. Get your ass into the gym, make a goal to be in the best shape of your life. Pick up a martial art. Learn to dance. Take a class or classes at a community college for something your interested in. Your going to meet new people doing each of these things. Get a second job. Each of these will empower you in various ways.
Stop taking a pounding. Its probably better not to complain here for a while, and throw your self in the gym and on GAL. Get more involved in programs at your church or others...
Your wife may not be the one for you. Like I said, make yourself conducive to other situations outside of your wife. This is probably what you need to do anyway to get her back if you wanted it.
Your going to be ok either way. Its the same advice many of us need to follow.b
