In reality, the image of my M was really just that, an image made up in my mind. I never really had it, because she never really gave it to me. I lived a lie as much as she did. Only difference is that I would have fought to keep it and make it better.
What do you mean by this?
What I mean is...
I had an image in my head of what my marriage was; the happy couple..great kids..and so on..
But within the last four years especially; I knew something wasn't right. But I still had an image in my head that we had a great family. I was in denial, a fog, under her spell, yada, yada, yada. Whatever it was; once we were no longer together 24/7 in the same house, I began to realize the image that I had of my M was unreal...false...like a hologram I projected onto everything around me. We never really had a GREAT marriage. I mean, we've had some good times and the first few years weren't bad at all. But neither of us really knew how to have a great marriage.
Throw in a PD and some codependency and there was no way to have a great M. The rub is that I have identified my shortcomings and was always willing to work it out. She doesn't want to face her demons and that would have to happen to put it back together.
So I have gone through the stage of feeling down and in grief for a M that didn't really exist in the manner in which I had built it up to be in my mind.
And I don't want to confuse those feelings with revising history which all WAS' do. I don't believe that I revised any of our marital history; I've just opened my eyes and looked backward into it.
MC- what do you mean that neither one of you knew how to have a great marriage? I am questioning everything right now- I may be having my own MLC as a result of this. I am not sure if I believe in M either now. When a M fails..does it always mean a failure to communicate etc? or is that people's feelings just change? Are we really meant to be with one person our entire lives? With a 50% divorce rate..and a high rate of infidelity..it is really hard to believe that M fits into our existence. We believe that we need everything and we won't settle for anything less. If we don't have everything- we are unhappy and once we have everything..it is then that we feel we can be happy. But people who have everything aren't happy either. It is just crazy. Just rambling.
I went out to dinner last night with a couple of friends...and I know this is WAY too soon- but a nice man approached me. Really cute and very nice. He sat with us for awhile- he loves to travel, lived in Tokyo for awhile, athletic..Well he asked for my number so I gave it to him..and he already called. It was a nice distraction from all of this and it was nice to feel attractive again...instead of rejected.
I am no way ready to get myself into anything..but it is a good reminder that life really does go on.
My H texted me last night..."I am so sorry that I hurt you so much. You deserve so much better." Yes I do.
Lola...I never had a great male role model...my parents split when I was 10 and we left the state. I saw my Dad usually for about 2 weeks out of the year. But mom didn't marry a great man the second time either. Fortunately he traveled a lot and hardly around. so I never learned how to really be a husband. I'm not a bad person; but no one either verbally or through actions taught me how to be a husband. So that's my perspective on me not being able to have a great marriage.
For the W...parents D'd early in her life. But Mom was mostly absent. Father was an alcoholic and he was never around either. Mom was a bad role model, affairs, late nights out..wife was mostly raised by sitters. Somewhere in all of that, a PD was born. So she never learned how to be a wife. She also never got a faith based viewpoint of M. Her outlook on M isn't any different than that of a high school BF/GF relationship.
So, neither of us had it in us to sustain a lasting M. I've learned a lot on my own on being a good H. I still believe in M. I feel that our culture in this country, no really western culture and the decline of reliance on Christian beliefs in our day to day lives has led to a 50% divorce rate and all the infidelity. Media, movies, and music have de-sensitized us to the effects of infidelity. Kids from the last two generations haven't been led to know the importance of marriage and fidelity. If they have been taught; there is a strong conflict to those beliefs in our entertainment.
I had a busy weekend so didn't get here. I think I realize the same things MC is talking about. With how our M started where we ended up was inevitable.
I am mean she was going to have an MLC no matter who she was with.
I think the real key is how you react to what happens in your M. Infedility, self destructive behavior, etc. Whatever it is it's how you handle it that matters.
I look at this way. No matter what gets thrown at me right now I can endure it. I have been through the fire. Focusing on YOU makes you stronger. For whatever comes next. The A was her choice. Not mine.
I'm like is that all you got? Bring it. There will ALWAYS be tough times in a M.
It is your choice how you choose to handle it.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
I started doing my refinance which has been a little nerve wrecking but it is moving along nicely. I haven't really spoken to my H at all..just business over email.
I know the timing is all wrong for this...but I have a date on Friday. I have been talking to that man I met last Saturday. I feel like a teenager. We are on the phone for hours. He is cute, funny, smart, loves to travel..... Really- just too good to be true. The best part...he thinks I am beautiful, funny, interesting, smart, humble etc etc. I have been smiling for days. I cannot remember the last time I felt so good. I am not going to get ahead of myself here..but I am enjoying every moment of this. I wasn't looking for any of this..it kind of just fell on my lap. I don't want to turn it away.
I know I still need to deal with all the emotions and feelings of the D. I am going to continue to go to IC.
For the past few days..I haven't gone to bed thinking about my H and our D...I haven't woke up thinking about my H and our D...and it is refreshing. I am literally a giddy school girl right now.
I don't know if I am going to fall apart at some point..but I feel so strong..and completely detached right now. Peace at last!!
It is what I did after my 1st M. Just know that you won't deal with what you have to deal until you don't have that distraction.
Believe me I know what of I speak.
It will catch up to you is all I can say but I know it feels good for now. You have to have a rebound relationship sometime right?
It's good you're still in IC.
Things with me? W saw that I am GALing via FB some friends posted some pics I didn't even know about and some new friends (women) friended me. I don't even pay attention to FB really but W does and she sent me FB msg on Monday "I see you've been busy on FB. Can we talk this week?"
Hah! I texted her "Absolutely we can talk. Call me anytime."
Nothing yet from her...I am doing really great I have been posting stuff on my thread so you can go there but things are really going well for me.
Promise you won't leave me hanging here! We've been through 2 months of hell together!
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
I know this is a rebound R..which is kind of unfortunate because he is great so far. I love someone that can make me laugh. He has me in tears....he is hysterical. Definitely detachment by distraction. Absolutely. It is just so nice to be treated this way after being treated like sh*t for so long. It is like I can breath again.
I have a ton of stuff to deal with...which I will deal with when I see my IC. I haven't spoken to this new guy about my D details. I am grateful he hasn't asked. He is aware that this is all very new for me. I have a tough couple of weeks/months ahead of me.
I won't leave you!!! I will check out your thread after my 2 o'clock meeting. I am happy that you are doing so well too! I have a big smile on my face knowing this.
I am having a panic attack tonight navigating my way thru refinance papers. It is so scary to take on such a huge financial responsibility alone. UGH!! My lifestyle is going to take a huge hit. I just need to figure out ways to cut corners and make the situation work.
H called tonight. I didn't even answer the phone. I am so not in the mood to discuss any of this although I know we need to. I am living in my house right now like nothing has changed. Eventually my H is going to come and raid half of what we built together. All of this is very very scary. Are we going to be bickering over screw drivers and wine glasses? I just don't know what to expect. Sorry to raid your post...just having a moment.
You will only fight over this stuff if want to. Keep your sanity that's all I can tell you about this process.
Do you have to keep the house? Have you thought of just selling and starting over. A lot of ghosts there. Don't underestimate their presence and its impact on you either. I lived with W in her house she built with xH I will never go back there. And in hindsight would not do it again.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
I don't have to keep the house but I really really want to. We did so much work on it..I just love the way everything came out. Also- with the market down..I don't want to walk away from all of the money that we invested in home improvements. I can handle all of this..but it is a scary road to go alone. But this is my new life and I need to be brave.
I have been alone in the house for 4 months. I know there are ghosts but I am going to create new memories here...memories sans the H..actually I already have created some new memories. My home is my investment. I just need to get used to the idea..and the financial adjustments- but I should be fine. Expect some more panic attacks along the way though.
I got all my refi paperwork in today..except for my W2'- which my H was supposed to send me but didnt. Just sent him a quick reminder.
Going for Thai food tomorrow night with my new "friend". I am kind of nervous. I haven't been on a date in 10 years!!!!! I am also kind of excited.
