W still wants separation, need to DB more

[TrentC]

OIN,

Are you seeing a counselor at all? She might be more accepting of your attempts to change if she knows you are actually talking to someone.

I am glad to see that you are taking the long view. While I do agree with DLS that you can't hang in limbo forever, you have barely begun the process. You both need time -- you need to make sure that the changes you want to make will stick, and she needs to accept that the changes you are making are genuine and lasting.

[TrentC]

So what are you doing to GAL, Officer?

Are you doing things by (and for) yourself?

[OfficerInNeed]

I understand what you are saying. We are 3 months into our sitch and probably a little of a month just about two of quality DBing. Way to early for me to change direction.

I am a better person now, yes. Also you are right, I did value and cherish the time we spent together. I just never made her feel like she was appreciated. I literally told my W "you are a terrible wife" for really no reason at all. I had a terrible impulse to say mean things. So I CAN and WILL weather this storm.

I have spoke with a counselor since week 2 of our sitch. I took an anger management course, I have read books on anger management. I have seen a therapist as well. I have and contine to combat controlling behavior and I am learning to detach. Detaching will take time since we pretty much spent nearly ever moment together for the past 7 years.

Update:
We went ot the memorial service and my W DID wear the ring. My W was cold and distant at times. She would say something to me, i would reply and she would say "hmmm?" And give a dirty look...I simply and calmly repeated myself.

After the service we went up to the hospital. Same bahvoir from my W.

After that we stopped off at a grocery store. My W was looking at something to get a female co-worker for her bday tomorrow. My W was looking and so I asked "you interested in getting that?" At first she replied "yes, for my friend" then said the co-workers name and told me her bday is tomorrow. My initial thought was "did this person ever get you anything for your bday?" But I cleared that thought and said "that would be a good gesture" so my W decides not to get and walks away and I said you should get it and then she gives me a dirty look like I had four heads. Later on samething, another item she thought about getting same person and she decides no to and I encourage her to do so and I get same look. In the past I would had got upset if she would had considered such a thing, but now I am more supportive and encouraging.

We got home unpacked, fooled around with the dog. Sat and watched some TV till she went up to bed.

Overall she was pretty distant today but did engage in a lot of conversation when I was quit. When I try to engage her into a convo she is not always as accepting.

[OfficerInNeed]

As far as GAL

I see a personal trainer. I attend church. I am learning to detach. I have gone places and done things without her.

Keep in mind I always did things without her never inviting her a long. So I always invite no matter what I do now....

[TrentC]

There's nothing wrong with inviting her along; the DB coach I talked to gave similar advice -- invite her to do things with you, but let her know that you will do your own thing regardless.

That's good to hear about the ring! Hopefully she wore it because she wanted to, and not because she felt she had to for "appearances".

And my wife went through a similar stage; she is much more open to talking to me about small stuff now then she was a month ago.

[OfficerInNeed]

That's good to hear about the ring! Hopefully she wore it because she wanted to, and not because she felt she had to for "appearances".

That is what I fear. That is why when she does wear the ring, I do not talk about it, I do my best not even to look at it on her finger, as if she is not wearing it at all. If she is not wearing the wedding ring she is wearing another ring she bought on the same finger.

[TrentC]

I wouldn't worry too much about it.

The fact is, she could have chosen not to wear the ring at all.

Time will tell.

[gucci loafer]

Officer,

Let me explain something that nobody has told you which is part of the problem here..

SNOOPING.. (which is what you are doing with your mole at her work and your constantly hovering over her every move) works only to confirm an affair OR is to be done WHEN the WS WANTS to or says they WANT to stay in the relationship.

THEN when you SNOOP (and it is snooping) they can't or won't get mad or resentful BECAUSE they say they WANT to save the relationship and make it work...

Which brings me to YOUR situation..

SNOOPING on them when they keep telling you they ARE LEAVING is nothing more than pressure and controlling. It is causing TREMENDOUS resentment in her and is pushing her further and further away. She KNOWS and FEELS that you are snooping and have a spy watching her every move.. (and you DO)

That will NOT work in your situation. Checking her phone and having a buddy that snoops for you at her work is what is fueling her anger. She IS going to leave you BECAUSE of this now...

Snooping should only be done to confirm an affair. Then it is ok to expose the affair to see what happens. You THEN HAVE to get the WS's agreement that the affair is ended AND that they are going to try to make the marriage work. Part of that agreement is the AGREEMENT between BOTH OF YOU that complete transparency regarding cell phones, computers, texts, etc. is out in the open..



THAT is NOT what you have here. You don't have a spouse saying she is staying in the marriage and agreeing to transparency. You have one that says she is leaving and that she is resenting your SNOOPING...


BIG DIFFERENCE..

She IS going to leave you for this very reason. She is feeling caged in and smothereed and watched. Not good for her or you.
This is the same ole thing you have always done It is controlling and shows your low self esteem. It is HURTING you chances to reconcile because she has NOT given you her agreement that she wants to stay with you. BIG DIFFERENCE regarding checking up on her in cases like this...


She is only passifying you as to not rock the boat too much while she plans her escape from someone who is STILL trying to control her. You are FORCING YOUR way on her and trying to make it look as if you have changed. She doesn't FEEL that from you because she thinks you are snooping on her every move. She has NOT agreed to staying with you. She has told you again and agai she is leaving.AFTER the affair was exposed. Keeping up the snooing is a big mistake because of that reason.

[OfficerInNeed]

Officer,

Let me explain something that nobody has told you which is part of the problem here..

SNOOPING.. (which is what you are doing with your mole at her work and your constantly hovering over her every move) works only to confirm an affair OR is to be done WHEN the WS WANTS to or says they WANT to stay in the relationship.

THEN when you SNOOP (and it is snooping) they can't or won't get mad or resentful BECAUSE they say they WANT to save the relationship and make it work...

Which brings me to YOUR situation..

SNOOPING on them when they keep telling you they ARE LEAVING is nothing more than pressure and controlling. It is causing TREMENDOUS resentment in her and is pushing her further and further away. She KNOWS and FEELS that you are snooping and have a spy watching her every move.. (and you DO)

That will NOT work in your situation. Checking her phone and having a buddy that snoops for you at her work is what is fueling her anger. She IS going to leave you BECAUSE of this now...

Snooping should only be done to confirm an affair. Then it is ok to expose the affair to see what happens. You THEN HAVE to get the WS's agreement that the affair is ended AND that they are going to try to make the marriage work. Part of that agreement is the AGREEMENT between BOTH OF YOU that complete transparency regarding cell phones, computers, texts, etc. is out in the open..



THAT is NOT what you have here. You don't have a spouse saying she is staying in the marriage and agreeing to transparency. You have one that says she is leaving and that she is resenting your SNOOPING...


BIG DIFFERENCE..

She IS going to leave you for this very reason. She is feeling caged in and smothereed and watched. Not good for her or you.
This is the same ole thing you have always done It is controlling and shows your low self esteem. It is HURTING you chances to reconcile because she has NOT given you her agreement that she wants to stay with you. BIG DIFFERENCE regarding checking up on her in cases like this...


She is only passifying you as to not rock the boat too much while she plans her escape from someone who is STILL trying to control her. You are FORCING YOUR way on her and trying to make it look as if you have changed. She doesn't FEEL that from you because she thinks you are snooping on her every move. She has NOT agreed to staying with you. She has told you again and agai she is leaving.AFTER the affair was exposed. Keeping up the snooing is a big mistake because of that reason.

Please know, that I have not spoke with my friend who I had monitor her the situation for nearly 3 weeks now. At the time it was to monitor the is the EA had stopped or not. I believe it has died down enough to consider there to be no more A and I have resumed DBing. My W is going to think I am watching over her regardless if I do or don't. It has got to the point where I cannot even speak to my friend on general terms, so I don't.

It was established in my first thread that "snooping" was going controlling as you also suggested so I stopped. Since then my W has had conversations with my friend which she would not had done unless she felt he was NOT going back and telling me stuff.

I have no access to my W's cell phone. I can't check my W's cell phone logs. I don't even bother. My W does however, check my cell phone often. I have come to the realization of whether I check it or not or have someone "watch" her or not she is going to do what ever she wants to do and I can't change that, so why make matters worse? Therefore I don't.

[OfficerInNeed]

Also, My W is no longer wearing the wedding ring. My W still not saying "bye" before she leaves. Today is one week since I spoke with my DB coach and trying new techniques. So I will give it at least another week and see if anything improves.