New and Needing Advice (Long)

[TeaEarlGreyHot]

Does anyone have any advice on how to handle a comment like this?
She said that it wasn't like she saw herself even dating this guy online, let alone marrying him, but the fact that she's gotten to a point where she actually wants to meet someone in person from online means that it's not going to work between us anymore.

Okay, I read a few more pages forward and I've had enough.

Son, it is time to put her ass on the street. Not in a nasty way, but in a very straight forward, matter-of-fact way, tell her to come pick up her stuff and if she does not you will put it on the street for her or whoever else wants her stuff.

And then be prepared to actually do this. Tell her should invite her married loveinterest and his wife to move her out.

No begging to stay, no sleeping in another room. She wants to live as if she is not married to you and be sexual with other men outside of the marriage, then it is time for her to be in an environment that is conducive to that AND THAT IS NOT UNDER YOUR ROOF!

You have not said, but I'm willing to bet, you or she have not told her mother, her sister and the coworkers you carpool with that she is having an affair in detail. If she wants to go to her mom's and have an affair, then she's going to do it NO MATTER WHAT. But tell her mom this is unaccepatable behavior and you are not going to tolerate it. That way her mom will know why her daughter is no longer living with you.

It is time to do this to put it out in the open because if she has no shame about her behavior, then there is no sense in hiding it, is there?. This is the news flash that she does not want to admit to: She is having an affair (even if she only claims it is something "emotional" everything you will read on this topic will tell you that there is essentially no difference between between the sexual intercourse outside of the marriage and this game she is playing). It is time for you to realize this and stop playing the confusion card and concealing it.

There is no longer any reason to believe her or trust her. Trust is given and can be withdrawn at any time for any reason, she is not "entitled" to it. She has given you the reason.

If she uses the "it's my house too," then tell her that she can go into court and argue that point with the judge and why why she should be allowed to conduct something that is illegal under the law from the house she shares out of a legally recognized privilege. (I'm willing to bet that in the eyes of the law it is at least a civil if not a criminal offense in every US State). The law expects you conduct yourself in a certain way to be afforded the legal recognition of shared property and access to it. She has forfeited that, though she is probably entitled to any capital gain and on the hook for any capital loss on the property. If she wants a roommate to share costs, then that is something she can arrange outside of marriage.

Second, and this is very important for your own health and well-being,...consider her as if she is infected with HIV and act accordingly. I would be very explicit about this. She has now given you cause to require proof that she is neither infected nor has she slept with someone who is infected. If she has shown such poor judgement from within the marriage, it is time for her to prove that she is "safe" to sleep with whether she remains married to you or not.

Note: this is a really good reason to reveal this to the other man's wife because one or both of them are putting HER at risk. I would tell your wife this....that his wife needs to know for her own health protection. Do you want to be party to that as well?

If your wife objects ask her this: is she willing to expose herself and everyone else that she sleeps with to HIV/AIDS? If the answer is yes, then you have all you need to walk away. No, run away.

I know this is a tough posting to you. You love your wife and you want things to work out. Been there, done that, have the commemorative T-shirt from 26 years ago. I wanted to work things out, loved her beyond all reason, but it became evident that she was unwilling to reel herself in. I enabled the behavior for a time and you are doing nothing but enabling her behavior. Someone also pointed that out to you further along.

As also pointed out further below, the other married man is "stealing" from you. Now it's up to you whether you want to castrate him or not (I'd let his wife do that even if you have justification, though in Texas, you could probably win the Governor's office by actually doing it). This is fun and exciting for both of them as long as it is concealed and you are helping them in that regard.

It may end your marriage but it is already badly broken anyway. There is no problem with being torn and not wanting to make things worse, but everything you've written here shows that you are in a death spiral and things are getting worse or are they are worse than you first thought.

I'm sorry if this seems harsh, but somebody needs to wake you up because being polite about it has not gotten you anywhere.

The Captain
Kobayashi Maru