Yep, I'd be watching the kids while she's out of town. At this point I hope I still live here and things will be better. I probably can't go in July anyway due to my work schedule.. I'm channeling the hurt into working on myself. To loose my temper would be a major problem. Haven't had a chance to get into the book yet as I've been with my W and or kids all weekend. I think I'll work on it during the week at lunch and befor I get home. Thanks!
Think about who your wife is...would she leave the kids to see her sister to complete a D? Probably not.
Just guessing...I think she is looking at random options and testing your reaction. Are you giving her space or controlling her? Are you showing a loving reaction or a "I only care about work" type of reaction. She probably does want to go and feel the freedom of a single person. That desire might have been there in the past, too.
Considering letting your W see you reading tonight or tomorrow sometimes. That shows her you are serious enough that TV, surfing, and other distractions won't take you away from becoming better. It might also make her curious to find out what other things you are working on.
The title tells her that you aren't looking to be nice to get a good divorce settlement, too.
Have a great week and try to stay clear of the thoughts of blaming or self-preservation just yet. Remember, it's only been a few weeks (thank God, probably feels like a year!)~
Onthemountaintop, thanks again for the great advice. I was a bit worried about letting my W see the title of the book but it does make perfect sense to let he know I'm serious. I just need to keep the book away from the kids. I'll begin tonight! Have a great day.
Hey there DCB ... just got caught up on your Sitch and mine is fairly similar, on the surface anyway. I HIGHLY recommend a telephone coaching session if you can afford it ... I spoke to Cheryl and she is fabulous.
In a nutshell ... my H dropped the bomb Jan 21, I went crazy and got desperate that night ... over the next few days I started to see my part of the deteriorating R. I promised space and time then failed miserably at delivering and I finally found this site in mid to late March. THANK GOD!
I have been DBing for about three weeks now and although his words haven't changed, I am seeing changes in behaviour. I am noticing all the baby steps and concentrating on me. One of the best tips I got was to be ready for him to pull back after a significant connection (ie. LM, or a really nice time together, etc) and this has helped me cope so much better! I am nowhere near the mess I was back then, and I am truly a changed person.
I love my husband, and I respect him. He is hurting and our relationship and dynamic contributed to that (MLC ... doesn't know who he is, felt controlled, doesn't feel like a man, had no decision making power, the list goes on...). I won't be walked all over, but neither will I turn my back on him in this time of need. He needs compassion and to feel respected. I don't have to like it. If this was a friend going through a hard time we would all stand by them.
The other REALLY important tip was to make sure that the counsellor you get is on the same page. I would call or email and ask them straight up if they are solution-oriented and pro-marriage. Bad therapy is worse than no therapy (my husband's IC is making things worse, but he thinks he's great so what can I do!).
Read and reread the books. Really understand what Michele is saying. This isn't about changing yourself it's about changing your behaviour and reactions/responses. And improving yourself for yourself so you are the most authentic person you can be.
In my opinion, and based on my limited experience, you have a wonderful opportunity ... you are still under the same roof as your wife, sleeping in the same bed and she agrees to MC ... now BACK OFF! Based on how she feels you've gotten a lot from her already - don't kill her with enthusiasm or attention. She needs space ... you don't want her to stay because you convinced her, that won't last anyway - you want her to stay because she chooses to, that's the only way it's going to last.
Good luck ... I'm going to post my sitch later today if I get a chance ...
Breathe, exercise, eat and relax ... and trust your instincts. I've taken to stopping myself, literally, and asking "is this what I would have done before?" and if it is then I don't do it or I do something different ... it helps ...
Last edited by PEImom_of_3; 04/19/1012:52 PM.
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Oh, and I agree with Bwhorl and Onthemountaintop ... don't be naive and bury your head in the sand, but if there are no signs of an EA then trust your instincts. Don't focus so much on it that it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.
Your job is you. DBing only works if you not only read it, but "get" it. Focus on you, it's not easy, but I'm learning it gets easier everyday.
Hang in there...
Last edited by PEImom_of_3; 04/19/1001:41 PM.
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Well, we've had a couple more honest discussions. We talked about the LM and my wife admitted that maybe we shouldn't have jumped into that because while she enjoyed the act she stayed emotionally detached and feels bad about that. I also realize the sitch is taking a much larger emotional toll on her than I had realized. I've been in a training academy at a new job so I've just not had time to get into the books due to lack of time. It's a priority and I hope I can start reading tonight. We see the MC Friday afternoon so until then I'll be following the advice given here. Thanks!
Good luck. Try your best to get that reading done. It takes 3-4 weeks to make or break habits on average. If your wife's got 3 weeks of being detached, you have more work to do soon and that begins by trying to understand what she's thinking.
How are you doing? It sounds like you have lot of things going on. Do focus on your training academy, but also do maybe 15 minutes or so of reading for your marriage to keep your focus on your training and not too much on your sitch. Easier said than done. But you can do it because they are both important to you. Keep detached but also open to changes in the R and take your time with them.
ME-41 W-33 M-8 D-8 S-4 D 5/17/2010 www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1961097#Post1961097
Our meeting with the MC was rescheduled for next week so we'll see how that goes. I read a bit more of the book of last weekend and will be back into it tonight. W asked me to go with her to a local lounge last weekend when she was meeting a girlfriend so that was nice. She's been very emotional and did some crying last Saturday. I keep doing what I think I should be doing. I'm very nervous about the sitch. I've been looking at cell records and don't find any strange numbers so if there's someone I have yet to find out but will keep my eyes open. She's mentioned IC for both of us as well so I hope that indicates interest in keeping things together. You and everyone here have been such a big help! While I haven't posted for a few days I'll be checking in here for advice. I wish people would be aware of M issues before reaching this point. The intense pain and uncertainty is just too much!
