Time for darkness.... (thread number 3)ears open

[james217]

why expect different from CG, because she's a girl?
if so, that's a bit of a double standard and that suggests more work in that respect - she's just as good if not better than PDT or myself, her advice just as valid and she provides insight from a female perspective, something PDT, Steve, Gucci, myself and any other male user on this site can't provide.

And you are still working the angle of whether or not your wife will ever trust you again although she had the affair and you still don't get it, you are still proving yourself to someone who cheated on you, what's wrong with you? Why do you have that mindset?

no it's not because she's a girl lol. Heck out of my parents my mother is the sterner blunter person. My father is more laid back. She's like that with me and my sister and everyone else.

You see if you guys have already been here and made the same mistakes and I don't get it? Then explain that. That you don't want me to get hurt you already been down that road. I'll have to go back and read each sitch. It's hard to listen when you yourself feel like you have been wrong and want to make ammends. That's I guilty I felt when she expressed things she felt I did.

So I wanted to show her something different. She stated I was changing and things like that and then the 4 days nc and then the I hate you stuff.

[james217]

I know I'm going to regret this, but I feel like I have to comment.

Rob and PDT give flack but they give flack to almost everyone. I expect that from them.

With you I see compassion towards others. But giving me a hard time why?

That is ridiculous. First of all, if that double standard is based on ideas that men are supposed to be direct and firm and women are supposed to be nurturing and soft, then you have more issues to work on. If it's not, then you're simply not paying very close attention.

CityGirl is so NOT the rah-rah type. I can't remember seeing an instance where she's just patting someone on the back for no good reason. Yes, she is compassionate and supportive but that's because the person she is talking to warrants that response.

From what I've read of your sitch (which isn't a lot because I can't stomach people wallowing in self-pity) several people have been direct with you and you have refused to follow their advice, get upset, and wallow some more.

This is what you said to Puppy a couple pages back:

Yep I messed up bad i'm disappointed in myself and I know you are too.

You have spent alot of your time trying to help and I didn't listen and made things alot worse.

Yet you berate CG for being direct and suggesting you need to do things differently?

Those of us who have walked through fire and come out the other side are trying to pay it forward and help other people get through similar terrible situations and hopefully do so quicker and easier than we did. We understand the pain and want to do our part to lessen it for others as much as possible.

Speaking for myself, I choose not to spend my valuable time and energy posting to people who repeatedly ignore offered advice and then chalk it up to "but I'm trying."

You're lucky to have some heavy hitters here. I recommend actually following their advice for a change.

I fell asleep but I already explained that I don't expect a woman to be this way or a man to be that way because my mother is very blunt.

I have lurked over this board for a long time reading sitches and I expect PDT and ROB to be really blunt.

I did not expect that from C.G. but now that she explained why she was being that way (to keep me from being hurt)

I understand why.

WAW made me feel extremely guilty. she'd be crying and I'd try to help. or get in a jam and I'd try to help. Or tell me I did this and this wrong and I'd apologize and try to make amends

So it's hard when you feel like your WAW is reaching out to you and needs you and to turn your back on them.

I need to be better about that.

[Serenity13]

James~

Yep I am back...

I swore I wouldn't come back to your thread after the extreme rudeness you displayed to me a few days ago...

You stated you had read my sitch and I have to say had you read all 3 threads I have, the ugly words you uttered towards me would never have left your keyboard...

With that said...

You are a piece of work...

I will disagree with the "flack" you state Rob gives...

He is just more blunt then others however he still does it with a caring hand...I was terrified of him coming to my thread and he knows that however I also have a lot of respect for the way he handles himself...

CG...

The one who came and defended me when your panties got in a twist because you didn't like the fact that I was calling you on your BS is very compassionate - You would have seen that had you listened to begin with instead of ARGUE with each and every single person who comes here and tries to help you.

As for Puppy....Wrong person to ever say a cross thing about as long as I am breathing and on these boards...Because of him, I am still standing...Because of him I am not wallowing in self-pity and looking for the "what does this mean" in each and every action my husband does...He never gave up on me from the day I came here, even when I gave up on myself, he was right there urging me forward to a stronger, better place...You don't like what he says? Tough - Do not ever say anything about the way he comes across here because if he wasn't the way he was, I may not be here right now...

Truth be told, I think you may get a kick out of the drama that is your life...Why do I say that? Look back over the past few pages and all you harp about is making love with your wife and how passionate it was and you were in love and you were a God-send etc...

What you fail to realize is IT DOESN'T MATTER to her in the frame of mind she is in...

Hell if you were my husband I would call the police on you...

She doesn't want you around so why are you continuing to torture yourself???

Stop saying you are going dark and just do it...

Stop saying you are in LRT and just do it...

Don't give me the bull about how hard it is because if everyone here can do it...Hell if I can do it then you can as well...

For the last time -

STOP TALKING, TYPING & THINKING - JUST LISTEN...

[CityGirl]

Well, James, since you didn't expect this from me what expectations did you have?

This is not about me protecting you from being more hurt. This is about many of us trying to change your thought pattern. This is about many of us trying to prevent you from further self destruction.

You have said you have an anger problem. Instead of clearing stating your expectation of me you lashed out when you didn't like how things were going. Funny, that sounds like EXACTLY what your W does to you.

And for the last time I am not a girl. I am a grown woman.

[DaddyLongShanks]

Serenty writes:

"Truth be told, I think you may get a kick out of the drama that is your life...Why do I say that? Look back over the past few pages and all you harp about is making love with your wife and how passionate it was and you were in love and you were a God-send etc...

What you fail to realize is IT DOESN'T MATTER to her in the frame of mind she is in...

Hell if you were my husband I would call the police on you...

"

The choice is to go dark, if she wanted you around she would make it easy for you and hard for anyone who wants to "triangulate" the situation.

[CityGirl]

And James, to clarify. I discovered DB a year into my situation. I didn't WAIT a year to join. Prior to joining DB I was very active in an online forum called Relationship Rescue however the approach was not right for me after being there for one year. I also have been in a "real life" divorce support group for 25 months. You really should not post things unless you have all the information that have nothing to do with your situation.

So once again you are saying things that are NOT correct.

But you are correct... it was VERY stupid of me to have ANY R talk with my H one year later.

For somebody that has read through ALL my posts you sure have glossed over quite a bit.

[james217]

James~

Yep I am back...

I swore I wouldn't come back to your thread after the extreme rudeness you displayed to me a few days ago...

You stated you had read my sitch and I have to say had you read all 3 threads I have, the ugly words you uttered towards me would never have left your keyboard...

With that said...

You are a piece of work...

I will disagree with the "flack" you state Rob gives...

He is just more blunt then others however he still does it with a caring hand...I was terrified of him coming to my thread and he knows that however I also have a lot of respect for the way he handles himself...

CG...

The one who came and defended me when your panties got in a twist because you didn't like the fact that I was calling you on your BS is very compassionate - You would have seen that had you listened to begin with instead of ARGUE with each and every single person who comes here and tries to help you.

As for Puppy....Wrong person to ever say a cross thing about as long as I am breathing and on these boards...Because of him, I am still standing...Because of him I am not wallowing in self-pity and looking for the "what does this mean" in each and every action my husband does...He never gave up on me from the day I came here, even when I gave up on myself, he was right there urging me forward to a stronger, better place...You don't like what he says? Tough - Do not ever say anything about the way he comes across here because if he wasn't the way he was, I may not be here right now...

Truth be told, I think you may get a kick out of the drama that is your life...Why do I say that? Look back over the past few pages and all you harp about is making love with your wife and how passionate it was and you were in love and you were a God-send etc...

What you fail to realize is IT DOESN'T MATTER to her in the frame of mind she is in...

Hell if you were my husband I would call the police on you...

She doesn't want you around so why are you continuing to torture yourself???

Stop saying you are going dark and just do it...

Stop saying you are in LRT and just do it...

Don't give me the bull about how hard it is because if everyone here can do it...Hell if I can do it then you can as well...

For the last time -

STOP TALKING, TYPING & THINKING - JUST LISTEN...

what did I say about PDT? I said he's brutally honest. So is rob. I never said that was a bad thing.

what frame of mind would that be? whenever she needs something i'm there. She fears me so much that just a week ago we were alone together?

I don't enjoy any drama. it's part of the reason I have painfully stayed away from s3.

his bio mom dropped him on me on my bday told me to keep him for a month. called the police and said I kidnapped him and brought them to my house a week after my mother had 2 surgeries. I had to provide emails of the text messages proving my innocence. The police dept said that what she did was totally wrong and if she did it again they would put her in jail. But I refuse to go near it. So I just make payments and get to not see him. I tried to see him yesteday but she wanted to be with me and I'm afraid to be around her so I won't do it. If she will do that type of stuff there's no telling what'd she do if we were together in the same place.

I've had s3 most of his life. It hurts really really bad. I pretty much cry every night but to avoid that "drama" I just don't get to see him until I can fix a few things and file contempt

[CityGirl]

Just so I am clear it is okay for PDT and Rob to be brutally honest but not me? When a man does it, it's okay but when a woman is strong and direct they lack compassion.

Is that about right? You are really digging yourself a hole here.

I have long thought there was a double standard with the men and women here. Strong and direct woman = bitch. Strong and direct man equals one cool dude.

[james217]

And James, you say your W was one of your only friends and that is not good at all.

Yes, I do have an amazing family and friends but I have spent time nurturing those relationships. And once I stopped putting so much focus on my H and what he was doing I was able to nurture the R's with my family and friends in a much different (and better way).

I might not have much to offer but one thing I do have is an amazing ability to read and retain information. I did NOT continue to harp on you once you said there was not a bus or taxi available for you. HOWEVER did you not say that the day you and your W got the motel room you decided to do that for privacy instead of taking the BUS back to her place. You did. So it doesn't seem unreasonable if to suggest a bus since you have mentioned the bus before.

And yes, you are acting like a crazy person. So far you have shared that you went to Texas on somebody else's dime to get services/training for people that are vision impaired. You said you have to get a special contact for your eye and you are getting a fairly major procedure done. You said you might have brain damage from a 109 fever that you never had checked out. You have said you have diabetic episodes, one so bad you have been kicked out of school and you are not welcomed back. You have legal troubles with your children. You are in a very emotionally unstable place. So getting in a CAR and DRIVING with your health issues and mental instability to bring your cheating wife a stuffed animal is the behavior of a crazy person.

And thanks Pearl

Friends come and go. Most of them pretty much stopped calling or hanging out when they found out I was going blind.

I have a few female friends but I have dated them before and dont want an E.A.

I live in texas. I was flown to another part of the state for training on special equipment for vision impaired people. It's pretty standard they do that for all vision impaired clients.

I have the hard RGP contact lens for my left eye. I obtained that on april 5th. I have a follow up appointment on april 19th. I found out on this past Friday that they have to do a cornea transplant on the right eye because it's too damaged for a lens and i have 20/light precision in that eye.

Yep with the boys I have the rights to my youngest rights to my oldest belong to my parents. I was never informed of the court date for visitation and custody with s10 until it was too late. So I have been looking into reobtaining them because my parents want me to have them back. s10's mother has filed contempt on me even though I've made payments. I paid a huge chunk when I went to court on this past Monday.

I don't know what's wrong with my brain. It could be from the walking pneumonia with the 109 degree fever. It could be from too many seizures.

All I know is im not the same person I used to be. My memory is awful. I have interpersonal conflict issues and aggression and a rage I didn't have (found that out in January when I got my report back from my 8 hour evaluation with a state psychologist). My iq has dropped 20 points. I can barely do math on a 7th grade level anymore.

I filed a complaint about disability discrimination about the school after several incidents occured. I had been going to college there off and on for years. All of a sudden I have a cane and I was discrminated against several times. I wont go into those issues but it was pretty ridiculous. I had never been in trouble until I had the cane and then wore an eyepatch for a little while to protect my damaged right cornea. then all of this stuff occurs? I was upset about the way I had been treated and then got sick and had a seizure and started ranting but did not endanger anyone. The dean himself would overturn it. But the security officers who pretty much picked me up and dragged me all throughout the school almost breaking my cane won't so I can't go back. I didn't even have a hearing about it which the dean was upset about. The only thing I can do is have my disability lawyer file a complaint because they have a stack of issues and proof (i even recorded what happened via audio on my cell phone) that I was singled out because I had filed previous complaints against the security. One time I was not even allowed to go do my computer lab work because I was told I had alcohol on my breath. I had just come out of class and was going upstairs and I was prevented from d oing it even though I displayed my badge and everything else.

s3 and I biomom have joint custody. she just does not follow the order. It's a joke to her and they don't do anything about it. So i'll have to file contempt but I'm trying to get my health issues resolved first. I don't want them using that as a reason I should not be able to see him.

You want to know what? Ill tell the entire story shortly. since I'm being judged so hard Ill talk about it.

[Serenity13]

James~

Rob and PDT give flack but they give flack to almost everyone.

That is what you said - It isn't flack if they are here trying to help others...It is wisdom from walking before us...It is kindess from what they have learned...It is compassion from knowing how we feel - Never is it "flack."

I don't enjoy any drama.

If you were a female, I would call you a drama queen.

I've had s3 most of his life. It hurts really really bad. I pretty much cry every night but to avoid that "drama" I just don't get to see him until I can fix a few things and file contempt

Had you read my sitch you would know I don't have my oldest son right now either...Some days I want to cry as well however the difference is I know it isn't going to make my situation any better...

ME making MYSELF a better person is going to make MY life and MY situation better regardless of what happens within the circle of my marriage.