I disagree Allen. In passenger's case her H was already beginning to expose the A to friends. I think he actually doesn't care much at the moment, which is why the wrong move could be so dangerous.
He is hradually distancing himself and I think passengers best tool is to ensure he has less time to play by making him more responsible in the daily lives of his children. Hopefully it will also make him see just what passenger does for him and make him appreciate her more.
She could always let the kids in on it so they don't feel rejected by her and they know to phone their dad automatically when they need lifts etc.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
People keep saying "You can't control" all teh time here.. this is counter to MWD's teaching... MWD makes a very strong point for being able to change people for the better.
She uses the example of being able to turn her H from calm and casual to furuious in a matter of moments...
Her argument is that if you can change a person for the negative, you can change them for the positive too... you just need to find the right approaches...
You can't control the wind no, but you can adjust your sails...
Saying "you can't control" to me just sounds like hopelessness being handed out on a plate... its not helpful I don't think.
I think you get that too Pass... that you can influence his behaviuor based on YOUR choices, I think that's why you are such an avid poster and analyze things so much, you DO get how much of an impact you can make if you make good choices.
I disagree Allen. In passenger,s case her H was already beginning to expose the A to friendsM I think he actually doesn't care much at the moment, which is why the wrong move could be so dangerous
The way HE exposes and the way his WIFE exposes aren't the same... Even her husband's reaction and OW's reaction shows clearly that it made an impact...
If it didn't matter they wouldn't be hiding it now and telling people they are working on their marriages publically... look at Maynard's wife as an example of exposure that has zero impact... his wife and their circle of friends just invite the OM over for dinner, she's cavorting about with OM and showing him off to everyone... Pass' Husband isn't donig that.. when she exposed he HID the affair again... he was humiliated and so was she.
They were BOTH FURIOUS... If it didn't matter they wouldn't have reacted so aggressively with Passenger for speaking up in the first place.
People don't get angry over something that doesn't matter to them. They get angry when you unsettle their lives in some way...
Passenger, I am having trouble posting at the moment as I am on my Blackberry and I keep having to go back and edit-aaaargh!
I came to the boards post reconciliation but my early posts, though disjointed, should explain to you my sitch if you just flick through a few.
My H had exposed to all his staff at his Co. where he is the boss, and just the H of our closest friends. OW had left her H and very young children,( two aged under six), and set up a love nest. She was putting pressure on my H to leave me, or to be precise to kick me out and move her in. My H had seen my changes that I had made- not even knowing he was having an A. Eventually he came clean, told me about the A, (which I had suspected), and asked for time to choose between us. I said no. As a kept wife I was stupid for me but there was no other answer. I was lucky in that I had already made changes my H had noticed and the A had gotten out of the 'high' stage as it had been going on for 18 months. It was still touch and go.
Very quickly we owned our own parts in the M breakdown and knew within a week we would be reuniting.
It was my changes, and timing, and determination, and luck, that all helped. Plus we worked out as we went further into reconciliation how to avoid the things that had gone wrong before.
Hope that synopsis helps.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Yes MWD can do it after years of practice and why she makes a business in teaching us!(Not a criticism).There are lots of techniques that can be used but I believe she also says that the two people in the marriage need to have an appetite to make it work. Pass H is a Looney Tune at the moment.She is wasting her energy. If she builds the right foundations and sorts herself out first she will have half a chance. They were furious they were caught out..that doesnt mean he wants to make his M work..as you say:
They get angry when you unsettle their lives in some way...
You can adjust your sails yes agree and influence behaviour not control it..its why he switching off..as you said its a game..he knows she is trying to'control.' Transparency is a problem when you have been with some one so long.
ME 44 H 45 D 14 D 20 M 22 YEARS TOGETHER 28YEARS Bomb Drop 14th July 09 Seperated-living with OW 10mths(14/07/09) MLC 3years
Silence wasn't golden in this marriage; it was deadly," Dr. Robin L. Smith
Oh yeah, my H told me he loved OW- he thought she was the dogs b@ll@cks as we say over here. F her wherever she is now- probably latching on to some other poop unsuspecting b*st*rd.
Click on my name and search some of my first posts.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
And ya JT, this is a horrible game, the problem is I think both of these two are terribly competitive, which doesn't help when Pain is at stake... no one wins that game...
Saffie you make me laugh in such a serious sitch..we forget laughing makes us feel better..wont give you the scottish equivalent they too impolite!!!! Bet she with My H!!!! sorry Pass couldnt resist that there.
ME 44 H 45 D 14 D 20 M 22 YEARS TOGETHER 28YEARS Bomb Drop 14th July 09 Seperated-living with OW 10mths(14/07/09) MLC 3years
Silence wasn't golden in this marriage; it was deadly," Dr. Robin L. Smith
Oh yeah, my H told me he loved OW- he thought she was the dogs b@ll@cks as we say over here. F her wherever she is now- probably latching on to some other poop unsuspecting b*st*rd.
Click on my name and search some of my first posts.
At what point in the affair did you find out Saffie? And at what point did you start D-busting?
It looks like it ran about 18 months, but I am interested to see what the timing points are for your discovery, confrontation, and when you began to work the infidelity back... It sounds like you found out after the affair had been going on for some time?
