Although it doesn't seem likely now, this could be where your relationship turns around.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
thanks for checking in. i'm actually doing fairly good still. i so far have not plummeted again and keep feeling more and more ease. i had been asking God for clarity, patience and strength and i feel like it's coming now. not in the way i imagined (i wanted to figure out if i should get divorced or not)...but the clarity is coming in the sense that i understand what my H is going through. i actually feel sorry for him b/c i realize he is likely hurting more than i am, deep down inside. at least i know that i will be ok and move on no matter what happens.
still a sucky situation...and i know you are feeling it too since you're in the middle of one yourself! it is most sad to see the one you love be so "lost."
the detachment piece has been most helpful b/c i just really realize that 1) it's not in my control 2) i can't fix it 3) it's his issue to deal with 4) it's really not about me at all. i am coming to a much better sense of self b/c i'm not so bad after all.
btw, started reading a new earth by eckhart tolle...not sure if anyone else has. it's not related to this per se but is about letting go of the "ego". i also need to pick up several of the books everyone recommended since my holds at the library just came through.
Me 30, H34, M7years Bomb dropped 5/09, S8/09, Living together 2/10 (due to external forces)
ok, so i have a ?. is there a way i can figure out how long my H has been in MLC? just trying to see if it's been a while or not. my thinking is that it's been about 2 years (basically since the loss of our son) especially cause it took him a year to even bring up the ILYBNILWY...then it's almost been a year since that...
a side note to everyone who is following my sitch. there was external pressure for H to make a decision. so he had decided to go for D (since he's not feeling any change - of course, he's also in a warped reality!). the timeline we have in front of us is 3 months...so basically by mid-summer. i'm still interested in waiting this out and in my case if we D, it will be very final from many perspectives (too complicated to explain). so i want to try to avoid that piece...NOT to not let go, but i don't want to shut doors.
i could speak to external source (who is our religious leader) and tell him to tell H to consider waiting longer...but is that me trying to control sitch...will that put more pressure on H? i don't want to say anything to H of course.
personally, the more i am reading about MLC, the more i feel the strength right now to stay in. i've been feeling good about detaching and am trying to be ready for the rough roads ahead.
Me 30, H34, M7years Bomb dropped 5/09, S8/09, Living together 2/10 (due to external forces)
Pandora, The death of your son may have triggered your h's crisis. I strongly advise you not to involve others in the situation. Your h will look at this as pressure and control issues. The more someone tells him not to do something, the more likely he will do it, i.e., just like talking to a child about things.
If you feel good about your detaching, then stay the course.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
this is what i'm concerned about as well. we did tell his oldest brother (once the D decision was made) who is already working on trying to "fix" the situation. i am concerned he is going to push H away. i haven't been saying much to bro-in-law cause i'm trying not to "control", but he is very concerned.
the religious leader is the only one that H has at least considered advice from somewhat (he moved in based on his advice, also the one who pushed him to make a decision since it wasn't "fair" to me). argh, i feel kind of stuck right now.
You will need to step back and allow it to play out. Do not tell bil anything at this time. The less you involve people, the better. If you have a very close friend, speak to that person about your concerns and no one else, except the board.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
the issue with BIL is that i'm not involving him, he is involving himself now. he wants to speak to each of us separately and figure out how to resolve this. i've already been pretty tight lipped and said he can talk to H to get a better idea of what is going on.
the thing with my H and I, is that culturally, this is a huge issue...will hurt the family name, will hurt family members deeply, etc. so BIL wants to make this work for their sake and ours. while secretly, i'm so on board with that, i do know that any "fixing" right now will push H away.
ok, stepping back for now (physically and mentally) and going to bed. i'm beat cause today was hard for me emotionally... feeling sad again.
Me 30, H34, M7years Bomb dropped 5/09, S8/09, Living together 2/10 (due to external forces)
the issue with BIL is that i'm not involving him, he is involving himself now. he wants to speak to each of us separately and figure out how to resolve this.
OK, maybe I'm missing something, but why is it your BIL's responsibility to "resolve" your problems?
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
