The article is interesting and a worthwhile field of study. My point is that exaggeration by saying that love IS drug addiction is not correct. The article says, "Lust, of course, involves a craving for sex. Jim Pfaus, a psychologist at Concordia University, in Montreal, says the aftermath of lustful sex is similar to the state induced by taking opiates."
And it says, "Some researchers suggest this mental state might share neurochemical characteristics with the manic phase of manic depression. Dr Fisher's work, however, suggests that the actual behavioural patterns of those in love — such as attempting to evoke reciprocal responses in one's loved one — resemble obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD)."
In these examples the scientists use the words "similar to" and "resemble". These words are important. They are comparative words. While your H may have feelings similar to taking an opiate, he is not a drug addict. Love is a normal human feeling, people consider it to be a desired state of being. It is not abnormal and pathological, as drug addiction is.
That is my point. It is an exaggeration to say that your H is a drug addict and unable to take care of his children because he is in love. It is equally untrue to say that he has OCD because he is in love. Things are what they are, and that is bad enough. There is no need to demonize WAS's by calling them drug addicts.
I think it's ironic that you say that to consider a cheating spouse as an addict, and their infidelity as an addiction, "demonizes" them, Lotus. My hunch is that most people would have the exact OPPOSITE complaint: that it gives their bad behavior a free pass by treating it as some type of "syndrome."
you want this to be an "addiction" or MLC b/c you think that somehow it means he's not being an adulterous jerk who cheats AND so, that means what? I mean, What are you going to DO with your life? Wait for whatever this is (and I'll let others fight that one out) to do what?
I mean, seems like a lot of deflecting from the real issue which is your approach and detaching and GAL and all that. He's NOT asking you for help. I would feel differently if he were. And you are avoiding the whole FB thing b/c you don't seem able to change your own behavior.
You tried exposure and it didn't work. You snoop but won't do follow up or force consequences,. soooo you torture yourself. You catch him in lies you cannot prove, and even if you could prove them, so what? You are not ready for the consequences part and he seems to like this power you are giving him And trust me, you are giving the power to him.
Why haven't you changed your fb settings so he cannot know you are online? What are your goals in these behaviors?
Please please hire a DB coach for at least one session. Or better yet 3, b/c it's cheaper overall and you'll be able to monitor much better with THEIR insights...SO worth the money. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I think it's ironic that you say that to consider a cheating spouse as an addict, and their infidelity as an addiction, "demonizes" them, Lotus. My hunch is that most people would have the exact OPPOSITE complaint: that it gives their bad behavior a free pass by treating it as some type of "syndrome."
Puppy
A more practical point is this :
Q : Addiction or no, is extended infidelity best handled the same way as an addiction?
A : Yes
Bottom line - who cares if its an addiction, its hurtful, dangerous, and highly destructive to households. The effects are very much the same, and treatment in the same manner has proven to have success - more so than simply playing softball and enabling an extended affair.
Note : I say extended because I certainly wouldn't put a one night stand as an addiction, its these affairs that go on for months and years that are the most harmful ones.
Who cares if its an addiction - it BEHAVES LIKE ONE and HANDLING it the same way seems to have much more impact than playing softball with the WS does.
And I believe it was Glass that pointed out that infidelity relationships are NOT the same thing as as a conventional romantic relationship.
The lying, the taboo nature of cheating, the sneaking around - all of this artificially enhances the excitement of the relationship in an unhealthy way.
Conventional relatinoships aren't nearly as intoxicating or as destructive...
I think it was Glass that pointed this out, but I don't have the reference at the moment.
Comparing a drug addiction, infidelity, and conventional romance ... these are there different things.
The first two are far more dangerous and unhealthy than the third ever is.
I think my only consequences right now that H cares about are financial. He's afraid of leaving, being on his own.
I don't necessarily think that having an MLC will be easier, in fact, I think it will be harder. I would rather it was just an affair, or rather, that he isn't doing anything along these lines. I'd rather this was just a fight - LOL. I don't know where you're getting that I'd rather it was anything easy, I know this is going to be hard. I went through 2 years of hard before and this is even harder than back then, just from the beginning. I'm in for the fight of my life just trying to hang on to any hope at all, just trying NOT to detach entirely and move on.
And I don't snoop, I did one time, and then he changed his passwords... so that doesn't hold either.
25y I've had DB counseling - he told me to GAL, leave it alone, act as if, etc.
Same here Pass... a big waste of my money.
I even got my wife to sit in on two sessions and speak with DB Coach privately...
The DB COACH ended up driving my wife away if you can believe that. Not ME, but the COACH...
Once I read Harley, Tuppy, and Glass and I started to protest and shut her OUT of my life was when I started noticing some doubt on her part about where she was headed. I found the coaching just took the same approach as DR - ignore the affair - don't say anything about it, just compete with the OP and fight the good fight.
I think my only consequences right now that H cares about are financial. He's afraid of leaving, being on his own.
The scary part of this mess Pass is that your Husband doesn't seem to bat an eye over the fact that' he's homewrecking another home with young children in it - he's covertly attacking a family and he's proud of it...
THAT is addiction in play... full force...
He can be as angry with you as he wants... but the OWH is nothing to him.. hasn't done an ounce of harm to that man, but your H feels blatantly entitled to attack his home and break up that man's family because of how your H feels... It's frightening how powerful addiction can be...
I think your H would need to see those children crying and the conflict in that home... all the shouting and pain for it to even make a dent in his brain right now...
