MLC or not?

[25yearsmlc]

But isn't that being selfish Mach and Jas? Only worrying and taking care of myself.

IS this a joke? Is it working for you? What is it modelling for your d? And m? Think of the oxygen masks on a plane that you have to put on your face first, before you put on the baby's face. If you don't put your own survival first, both of you will not be able to breathe and you will both die. I think it's a lie to believe it's selfish; I think believing others need you is a way of saying they won't love you and needing you is the best you can hope for....so you create a need by "helping" them and "being there for them" but always with an expectation. That's not love.

My real point though ----You have gotten some of the best advice on this board and are ignoring it. The posts by Was@Sad, (who helped my sitch SO MUCH-thank you again W2!!), on 26 and 28 March especially, and many other posts by SA and others, are SO SPOT ON....if I could, I'd reach thru this computer and shake you to WAKE UP AND SNAP OUT OF THIS...you are NOT helping your sitch.

Don't do what does not work. That is NOT complicated. It's hard to change ourselves but it is SIMPLE...not complex, just a little brave.

You are choosing to be stuck. Until you are sick and tired of feeling sick and tired, you will keep spinning in circles, poss going down the drain, and you will keep your d in a terrified mode too....

You have to show up and woman up for your d. You are instead making her part of this mess more than she already is. OMG listen to the song "Because of You" by Kelly Clarkson and imagine her singing this to you in a few years. You gotta do right by her.

Take W2's advice. That means re-reading it over and over until it sinks in. Stop spinning about what your h is doing/saying/thinking feeling or whether this is MLC, depression or a brain tumor or OW or satan or a Martian taking over his brain.

Bottom line is he's not with you. Assume he's in Australia for 3 years if it helps, or that he's dead. Then what? We all know he DID love you and probably still does but obviously that is not all that matters. If it were, you'd be fine already. Thing is, you have convinced yourself you cannot live, let alone be happy, without him as your h in the home. You are teaching your d horrible lessons about life. Stop that. Just stop it.


What do you think people here mean when they tell you, repeatedly, to focus on you? Why won't you? You focus a lot on his depression but not on your own and that's the only one you control. OMG please think of how this all must look to your d.

Imagine your life is a novel. How is it THIS chapter going? Who is writing yours? Who is the main character? From what you have written so far, you are barely a part of the book, b/c it's all about what your h is doing and how it makes your d feel or say and then, after that, how you feel which is always sad or afraid....

Shouldn't you be the author of your life's novel? If you are going to write the novel of your life, how would you say the next chapter should go?
And how would you like the rest of your book/LIFE to go? Why not write it that way? Do you have any idea what I am saying?

Are you skimming this post to see if there's a magic specific thing to say or do that will fix it all?

Yes, I'm reconciled. I thank people like FIB and W2 and baseballannie and about 4 others for that along with a DB coach. I recommend you use a DB coach b/c they can and will give you specific advice and help you monitor it with insight and compassion. Also, it is not that expensive when you compare it to the costs of what is happening to you and your d, let alone the fact that it might help you live well or even save the m.

IF I were in the same sitch but knew then what I know now, I'd hire a DB coach right away and post here, but I'd change my own life much much faster, and not spend nearly the time I spent on wondering what my h was doing/feeling /thinking or feeling. To this day, I don't believe he knows. And to the extent he does, so what? So much wasted time on my part making it about him, and not about my own life. I put so much on hold and was not fully present for my own children b/c of my pain. I regret that. You are doing this as well. But I got better much faster than you have. I put the kids in front of all else for clarity sake at the time, and realized then, that for them as well as me, I had to become a happy person again. That taught my d's that NO MAN can "MAKE" me unhappy. Happiness is within our control. Aristotle said "happiness is a virtue" for a reason. It is within our control and only within ours. Believe that. Or continue to let someone else be responsible for your life and teach your d that...how's that working for you?

What matters is us going forward, not figuring out the past.

Change your life asap. Re-read the posts by SA and W2 and Jack3beans. You have been stuck too long. It's self infllcted. Get better. What else can I say that would make a difference if those wonderful posts have not helped? Read them til you have memorized them....and hire a DB coach and just get better. Start today.
j