I previously posted "H left almost 3 weeks ago. Help" under the Newcomer's forum. (It was very long.) I thought I'd try posting here in the hopes of more responses/advice. I've read DR and lots of posts on here. So far, the closest that I can relate to is MB28's sitch.
My story summed up:
1992: Met 1993: Began dating 1996: Married 1998: First child, became stay at home mom 1999: I had PA for 1 mth w/neighbor. Confessed. Couldn't take the guilt. 2000: Seperated for two weeks. 2001: Moved to new home. 7/2002: H wrongly accused me of having EA/PA. Seperated again for 6 mths. (He stayed in house again. I went to parents' with child.) 8/2002: I began working again. Per his advice and thinking that he meant what he’d said over and over, I began GAL and (like he told me to do) began dating. (One guy of the two I dated was an ex from high school that as I now know, is the one person my H always considered his only competition.) 12/2002: R 4/2005: 2nd child 6/2007: Went from working out of home to working from home managing our business. 11/2007: H talking to childhood friend (female “like family” friend) behind my back. Started questioning M. 12/2007: Worries over M over and friend out of pic again. 10/2008: Laid off all employees of our business after customer screwed us out of $60K in 4 mths. 11/2008: H began working solely as sub for his F's company. 5/2009: Near permanent injury to H's right wrist. 11/2009: F began telling him monthly that he couldn’t afford to keep paying him, would be cutting pay to our company, and expect H to keep working same hours. 2/2010: 2nd surgery on wrist. Not much improvement. 18th anniv of best friends death. H started talking to childhood friend behind my back again. Approx. 3/5/2010: When talking about peep’s insecurities, H told me that if I didn’t know by now how much he loved me and was never going anywhere again, he didn’t know what else to do/say to prove it. 3/13/2010: H began acting EXTEMELY hateful, verbally abusive, distant, etc. Kept saying it had nothing to do with me. 3/19/2010: H showed up to my brother’s bday party avoiding me. When I asked why, he dropped ILYBNILWY bomb, I’m unhappy, you can’t make me happy, I need to find myself, it’s nothing you’ve done in particular, it’s “everything”. Etc, etc, etc. Left that night. Spent night at childhood friend’s (on couch). Went to parents’ next day. Since then, has been staying in parents’ motorhome. Talks to childhood friend almost daily. Both claim nothing but friendship. Believe them but have some doubts due to comments H made to my F years ago about her appearance and requests H made to me regarding threesomes with her in 1998.
Happenings since bomb:
Very, very little communication. 99% of the time, he initiates. When it happens, 99% of time it’s H commenting in one sentence convos about kids, selling house, him never coming back, getting L ASAP to file and force me out of home, can’t keep living in motorhome, eating PB&J once a day, did I find a job yet (one week after H left, H closed business, went on F’s payroll, and left me unemployed), stops by house when we’re not home to collect more things, goes days w/o contacting kids, shows up to all practices (about 4 times a week) and doesn’t speak to me yet sits 3 feet away. No R talk has been had at all.
I know to ignore what he says, don’t get emotional, act as if, do 180’s (I have been), GAL (starting to), don’t talk very much (I don’t, only responses), I’ve been RIDICULOUSLY pleasant even when he’s being VICIOUSLY verbally abusive. He says I’m making things difficult and that he wants to be great friends and get along wonderfully. When I expect him to go off, he’s almost pleasant. When I expect he should be pleasant and have no complaints, he goes off! (He’s messing with my mind. I’m starting to mess with his. Ex: He has kids this weekend. Yesterday, after I did my own thing, I stopped to get a smoothie. He was at rest next door to smoothie place. I didn’t realize til I was parking. I went in smoothie place and realized that my kids might’ve seen me. I decided to go tell them hey. I walked in, he didn’t look up. Talked to kids about their zoo trip. Told them that I needed to run to bathe and get ready to meet someone. (They didn’t ask and I didn’t say.) He didn’t look up but stopped cutting D5’s food for a sec. I told kids bye and to have a great night. As I turned to walk out, he looked up and said “You too!”. (I didn’t tell him or my kids but I had tickets to the game too. I went with my father. They never knew we were there but we were close to them.) After the game, I called my kids. They told me all about the game then S11 started telling me about the Mets game last night. (They talked about it over the PA at the game last night.) I played along as if I weren’t there. H was in background telling S11 things about last night’s game and Met’s game to tell me. Today I called S11 and D5 to talk. D5 brought phone to H w/o my knowledge. He talked about random things (kids, ball, plans for today, that he’d probably call soon for me to come get kids from him, etc.). I told him that I’d gone to game last night (due to last sep in 2002 and me starting to date about a month out when he told me to do so and has done the same this time, I didn’t want him to think that I’d gone on a date last night) and hadn’t informed him or kids b/c “I didn’t want kids to want me to walk over to their seats and interrupt his time with the kids”. He understood. He then led talk to money saying that he was broke (he has only give me the exact amount of money I’ve needed to cover some bill payments drafts, no grocery, spending, or gas money) and wanted to know if I’d thought about selling house anymore. I paused, then said “Well, actually, my last week has been focused on me finding a job and I haven’t thought about house.” H responded, “Well, that’s it. I’m “f”ing done!” Then hung up.
Other positives:
He did, via text conv, tell me that I could sell his old beat-up 4 wheeler for parts and didn’t ask for ½ of money when it sold.
We made it 6 days w/o him bringing up selling house again…until today.
I’ve been able since day 1 to virtually not contact him at all.
I’ve never asked his whereabouts or plans.
I’ve never brought up R talk.
I’ve not begged or pursued him since 3/20, the day he came and packed 10 bags of stuff.
Unimportant convs have been had w/o him raising his voice or being verbally abusive.
He hasn’t gone to L or realtor after threats.
We made it through D5’s bday party being civil to one another as well as Easter Sunday at his sis’ house.
Questions:
We rarely speak. When we do, it's him starting up about selling our house. L told me the next time he mentions it, tell him to do whatever he thinks he needs to do. (He can't sell w/o my consent.) Should I do this? Should I tell him that I don’t agree but if he wants to try to sell our house, give it his all?
I have only called him twice since the sep and it was regarding kids or bills. I've occasionally texted regarding the same type things. In only two conversations, that he started, was our M/D talked about. He’s insisted that we sell the house so that he can move out of his parents’ motorhome and he can find a way to afford somewhere for him to live and me (and the kids). He also says that I’ve “never wanted him in the 17 years we’ve been 2gether “ and that I’ve “merely settled”. (I think this is just him trying to turn the fault on me.) I mistakenly responded once or twice to his rants saying that I do want our marriage, that I’m not going find someone else like last time because I’ve grown and learned how much he and our M mean to me, that it’s not true that I never wanted him in 17 years, and that I’ll do whatever it takes to save our M. Again, these were responses, not me bringing things up. I defended myself. Rarely have I shown him any emotion. I’m scared that with his insecurities regarding whether or not I want him and am just settling that “going dark” and seeming to not care will confirm his thoughts about me not wanting him. When someone says that you don’t want them and that’s part of the “everything” explanation for the D talk, should you really act like you don’t care and go dark? Seems a little detrimental to the efforts.
From what I’ve been told, his entire family is on the side of saving my marriage. I’ve spoken to his mom and oldest sis. He hasn’t spoken to anyone in his family (he only has two friends) about M and sep at all. Oldest sis wants to talk to him. No one else in family has offered. (His family is the type that everyone minds their own business and rarely no personal details about each other.) Should I encourage her? Thinking that if everyone keeps acting like nothing’s going on and it’s ok what he’s doing and they don’t care, he will believe it’s ok what he’s doing. Sis stated that when someone doesn’t really they’re doing something wrong, you can’t expect them to know they need to change.
Note:
I, and everyone else except H, believes he’s severely depressed and stressed about money, life, and his injury and is running from his problems like always. He never fixes his own problems. He’s never had to. Everyone else always takes care of things for him. This is the first time in his life that he’s having to figure out things for himself. Seems to me that it’s that combined with MLC, bipolar, and a slim chance of EA (on his part, not hers).
Any responses/advice would be more than appreciated. I’m so thankful that I found this website/online community. It gives me tremendous relief to talk to other in the same sitch. With the horrible sadness, confusion, and abandonment that I feel due to sitch, it’s very disappointing when I get no response from here either. After 5 posts on newcomers thread and no response, I’m trying here in the hope that other’s will be there for me. Thank you in advance.
S11 said H told him he's left because "we just can't get along", that he needs to sell house so that he can pay for somewhere for him to live as well as us. There's no way he can afford rent and utilities on two residences. He can't afford it on our house now. Told S11 that he's never coming home because he doesn't want to be around me. S11 too scared to respond to H's comments except to attempt to ask him to come home and try. H yelled at him that he couldn't.
We don't fight! He's an ass to everyone. That's why his family is scared to talk to him, his kids too, and he ran all of our friends off. I don't argue with him. I walk on eggshells, bite my tongue, and give him his way! How dare he tell our son that "we" can't get along!!! I get along with everyone. His own family has said there's a place in Heaven for me just for putting up with him. Everyone tells me that they know how hard I've tried and that he doesn't deserve me and has no clue what he's losing. How come I know this as truth yet still feel not good enough?
Dedicated - I'm so sorry you find yourself here. You sitch does sound a lot similar to mine, and I'm sorry.
You are doing really good with the NC, keep that up. I failed at that for 4 months, but I'm getting better at it. I always wondered if my H would take that as me not caring too. I think you need to find that "detach with love" or "loving distance". Which is very hard to do. I just make sure I'm nice to him, but in a doormat way. I hate it, but if anything it has made our convo's a lot more pleasant.
One of my biggest problems with DB'ing is patience. I have the hardest time with that.
You should check out the website midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com. I love it and spent 2 days reading all of it.
Also, I would advice you stick to the newcommers forum. You'll get a lot more responses there. If you H ends up having an A, you can post in the infedility one where mine is now. Those 2 get the most action. Please feel free to highjack my forum anytime you need help.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
I would advice you stick to the newcommers forum. You'll get a lot more responses there. If you H ends up having an A, you can post in the infedility one where mine is now. Those 2 get the most action.
Newcomers is the most popular and MLC is 2nd...unless things have changed, Infidelity is a distant 3rd. MLC almost always includes infidelity and thus it is a major issue on the forum.
I think it's okay to reassure him it's not true you didn't want him for 17 years when HE brings it up without engaging in a lengthy battle about it. "I understand that you feel that way, and I'm sorry to hear that you feel that way. Especially because I have wanted you all these years and now." End topic. You need to get some be pleasant, don't allow him to mindread and tell you your reality, and walk away skills. It is very hard when someone is depressed and doing this but it can be done. Soon he will be all alone yelling at himself because he can't get you to fight him. It is very hard but possible. One way not to feel trapped is to give yourself permission to only give him a certain number of months to deal with his side of these issues before you refuse to have this stuff yelled at you anymore. View the situation as temporary. You are doing your best to work on this for a certain period of time and you will not do anything you regret just because someone else is acting weird. Good luck! Sounds like a rough time right now.
You might have to learn to detach from his bad-mouthing of you for awhile. It's disrespectful, but you and your family know it is untrue and a symptom of what's going on with him. Ignore it for now and don't dwell on his "cover story" for his own behavior. If you read enough threads on this board you will see that a lot of the husbands go around saying how awful the wives were, all women are evil in some way, on and on and on once they get in distress. You are not alone in having your reputation attacked because of this situation. It's painful, but common.
The other thing is this situation with the bomb drop being so new is that you can have hope that this spewing stuff at you might calm down some. It's worse at the beginning nearest the bomb for everyone it seems.
R22, Thank you for responding. Thanks too for assuring me that my stating to him that it's not true that I've not wanted him for 17 years was ok. I was worried that I shouldn't have done that. It's very confusing to determine how to have NC yet still assure him that I do want to work things out. I am doing my best to ignore what he says and thinks. I know that it's all BS. I really do. I think that I've been doing well at hiding my emotions. As far him poormouthing me. It ticks me off but I know that 99% of the people who know us know the type of person I am, the things I really do do, and who's the butt in this sitch.
What about the house? Do I take L's advice? Do I agree to sell in the hopes of the house selling relieving his stress and in turn helping to saving our M? I also think that if his stress is relieved while he's gone, he might somehow relate the stress relief to his being away instead of me relieving things.
When H says that I don't want him and uses that as excuse for walking away, is it really a good idea to go dark and have virtually NC for a month? Might that make H think his warped thoughts about me not caring are being validated?
MB28, thanks so much for the response. Any advice?
