WAW Using God II

[pigskin]

Journaling:

Some very pleasant interaction with the W today. Just normal business, nothing about our R. Sundays are always good as we both get a dose of church.

I still need to keep focused on my attitude around her. I have to stay cheerful and not be detached in a way where I'm being cold and distant. A good way for me to do this is to view W as if she is a woman I'm not married to. Be friendly, not affectionate. Be businesslike, not cold, as that would come off as rudeness to a stranger. I certainly would not act preoccupied or irritated around a stranger.

Meeting with my pastor this week to check in. We usually meet every couple of months. This will be a big meeting as I'm going to look for some guidance on what my pastor feels about how I'm hanging on. I'm going to ask him about my options on divorce based on where we are, and about the annulment process. Not that I'm on the brink of filing, but because I want to be realistic and understand possible next steps if it comes to that.

The only thing I will be comfortable with is doing what God wants, which is where the pastor comes in. I'm really looking for what he feels is the signal God and I have had enough and it's time to cut bait. Because honestly, if God wants me to hang on, then I will do so, regardless of how much pain that will entail. But I don't want to hang on for nothing.

That's the real trick, isn't it? Our society may say "Dude, you are being Don Quixote here, give it up already. You deserve to be happy NOW. End this torture and go grab one of the thousands of women out there who will make you happy." But as we know, the Lord often asks of us things that society would view as unacceptable.

What makes me happy is doing what God wants and accepting the pain that goes along with it, as crazy as that seems. I don't think God wants me to be a martyr, and I certainly don't want to be one. Right now I still feel I need to hold on, even though I have days where I am really wavering. I trust He will let me know in time if that is no longer the case. I am willing to accept whatever outcome He has in mind for me, and I am certain that it will be whatever is best for me, regardless of how I feel about it in the short term.