W still wants separation, need to DB more

[OfficerInNeed]

Thank you all for the feedback and input.

When our sitch began I spent the first 3 weeks pleading, begging and trying to reason and convince my W things would be better if she would just give me another chance. Although she was very annoyed and I was putting a lot pressure on her one thing she told me over and over again was "I have to know I can trust you that you will never treat me like that again because I will have a mental break down if I had to go through that again."

I have been DB since the second week of February. It took me sometime to establish the core concepts such as no R talk, no arguing ect... many backslides.

My failed success initially with DB could be contributed to the EA. My W failed to see what she was doing was considered an A, she thought she found a friend who was easy to talk to but from the outside looking in, it seemed more than that.

Throughout this whole sitch my W had sent many mixed signals at times speaking future tense then she would contradict herself minutes later.

My W too, talks to our 6mo pup with the most friendly, cheery voice ever and then walk past me and her smile fades and she tries her best not to look at me. Now my W tells our dog to "attack me" joking around.... as we both laugh and play around with the dog together.

Try looking at it from her point of view. Why is she doing this? Is it a punishment like my H is doing coupled with fear of being close to you? Maybe understanding her motivation doesn't change things, but it makes it easier to keep up your PMA.

My thoughts are, my W does not want to do anything that would lead me to believe things are better between us or will work out.

I don't see it as an "either/or" propostion, actually. OIN's self-described controlling and emotionally abusive tendencies still need to be dealt with. She needs to be able to trust HIM as well.

Exactly. I am trying to regain her trust. Two words she throws at me ALL the time is "trust" and "controlling." I demonstrate to my W that I am combating my past controlling behaviors by doing many 180s with the realization I can't and won't control another human being.

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This morning, I picked my W up for work and had some good conversations. We laughed and joked a little. I accidentally called my W "hun" but she did not respond to it good or bad but rather laughed about the topic we were speaking of. My W did tell me her plans for the entire day leading up to the time of the memorial service which I took as a positive. When she got out the vehicle I said "bye" and she said nothing in return.

When my W returned home from work I asked "How did your day go" she went on to tell me somethings that happened during her work day and I listened and responded accordingly. My W then began to play with the dog and got me involved by telling the dog to go after me by saying "Go get your dad, go get him, I'll give you a treat."

My W still had her WAW moments, cold short responses ect...

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I can't say what I am doing is working, it is too soon to take stock. I speak to her in an upbeat calm tone, do my best not to be affected by her coldness and not get drawn into arguments. I no longer "pick fights" I use to get offended or hurt by something she would say....I still do but not as much but I don't react on my emotions because I know if I do it will NOT help our situation.

I am walking on eggshells but knowing what I put her through I WILL endure my W this hell. She has stuck by me through my worst and still gave her unconditional love (had to been if she dealt with it for this long), I owe it to her to fight for our marriage whether she wants in or not.