Get in his own bed and stop being on egg-shells. ITs not about me, but I've had plenty experience in the WAW realm. He doesn't have to respect her all the time, we can guarantee she doesn't respect him all the time.
What I proposed was not mistreatment, it was not violating her space or anything. Its his wife, and his house and his bed too.
Walking around the boundaries she's allowing, doesn't seem to be working to me. Eventually the dynamic needs to be changed.
By the way TrentC, she needs to earn his trust - not the other way around.
By the way TrentC, she needs to earn his trust - not the other way around.
I don't see it as an "either/or" propostion, actually. OIN's self-described controlling and emotionally abusive tendencies still need to be dealt with. She needs to be able to trust HIM as well.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
And I agree that he should sleep in his own bed; I just don't agree with the passive-aggressive way of dealing with it.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
I am trying to acknowledge positives as baby steps so I can stay motivated. I think "If she is trying to co-exist with me and counting down the days why would she be generous, considerate or even care what I think about things? why would I even matter to her anymore?" or am I just reaching for positives?
Nothing wrong with reaching for positives, yes, that's what counting babysteps is all about... it will help you keep your PMA
OIN, my H is sleeping on the couch also. I feel like he's trying to punish me, so I make sure that I don't respond, lots of happy doggy noises coming from the bedroom (my three dogs sleep with me) and first thing in the a.m. when he's outside the door in the bathroom, I am talking happy talk to the puppies... I never know if acting happy is keeping him on the couch longer, but it's making me happier when I have to wake up alone.
It's so frustrating, when you focus on something like this. One of my goals is to get H back into bed with me, and I don't see it happening. I think he is afraid b/c when he's there we have ML a few times (there's a PA with OW in the pic right now)
Try looking at it from her point of view. Why is she doing this? Is it a punishment like my H is doing coupled with fear of being close to you? Maybe understanding her motivation doesn't change things, but it makes it easier to keep up your PMA.
I always talked real sweet to the 3 dogs and 2 cats, not so much to my husband (he isn't as willing to please). This caused resentment. He complained that I was nicer to the pets than to him. It took a long time after coming out of our problems, but now I think I talk nicely to all of them.
When our sitch began I spent the first 3 weeks pleading, begging and trying to reason and convince my W things would be better if she would just give me another chance. Although she was very annoyed and I was putting a lot pressure on her one thing she told me over and over again was "I have to know I can trust you that you will never treat me like that again because I will have a mental break down if I had to go through that again."
I have been DB since the second week of February. It took me sometime to establish the core concepts such as no R talk, no arguing ect... many backslides.
My failed success initially with DB could be contributed to the EA. My W failed to see what she was doing was considered an A, she thought she found a friend who was easy to talk to but from the outside looking in, it seemed more than that.
Throughout this whole sitch my W had sent many mixed signals at times speaking future tense then she would contradict herself minutes later.
My W too, talks to our 6mo pup with the most friendly, cheery voice ever and then walk past me and her smile fades and she tries her best not to look at me. Now my W tells our dog to "attack me" joking around.... as we both laugh and play around with the dog together.
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Try looking at it from her point of view. Why is she doing this? Is it a punishment like my H is doing coupled with fear of being close to you? Maybe understanding her motivation doesn't change things, but it makes it easier to keep up your PMA.
My thoughts are, my W does not want to do anything that would lead me to believe things are better between us or will work out.
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I don't see it as an "either/or" propostion, actually. OIN's self-described controlling and emotionally abusive tendencies still need to be dealt with. She needs to be able to trust HIM as well.
Exactly. I am trying to regain her trust. Two words she throws at me ALL the time is "trust" and "controlling." I demonstrate to my W that I am combating my past controlling behaviors by doing many 180s with the realization I can't and won't control another human being.
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This morning, I picked my W up for work and had some good conversations. We laughed and joked a little. I accidentally called my W "hun" but she did not respond to it good or bad but rather laughed about the topic we were speaking of. My W did tell me her plans for the entire day leading up to the time of the memorial service which I took as a positive. When she got out the vehicle I said "bye" and she said nothing in return.
When my W returned home from work I asked "How did your day go" she went on to tell me somethings that happened during her work day and I listened and responded accordingly. My W then began to play with the dog and got me involved by telling the dog to go after me by saying "Go get your dad, go get him, I'll give you a treat."
My W still had her WAW moments, cold short responses ect...
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I can't say what I am doing is working, it is too soon to take stock. I speak to her in an upbeat calm tone, do my best not to be affected by her coldness and not get drawn into arguments. I no longer "pick fights" I use to get offended or hurt by something she would say....I still do but not as much but I don't react on my emotions because I know if I do it will NOT help our situation.
I am walking on eggshells but knowing what I put her through I WILL endure my W this hell. She has stuck by me through my worst and still gave her unconditional love (had to been if she dealt with it for this long), I owe it to her to fight for our marriage whether she wants in or not.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
Nothing compared to the hell I put her through is all I am saying. I am not OK with living in hell but I understand why she is creating it. That understanding allows me to 'deal with it' and maintain focus to accomplish the ultimate goal.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
Your hell really was that bad? Was it premeditated and you took pleasure in it? Did you really not consider her feelings and the affect you have on her in your interaction with her?
It sounds like over all you where a good guy, but you may have been a [censored] over a period of time. It sounds like you did appreciate spending time with her and sharing. It sounded like you did alot of things for her that many men will never do. So a few communication glitches...
Its going to be for you to decide. Just remember, there are some of the guys here who have been in hell's created by their spouse for 1,5 even 10 years and it gets worse in that they are fueling their spouse out of control ego by staying in it.
Hopefully your wife backs off and starts to close the gap between you too. Thats the goal, the gap must be closed for their to be a marriage. You guys strengthen on an individual basis only, then your pretty much two single people living under the same roof - not even ones romantically connected.
I don't know many people who married to not be romantically connected.
