Hey H4L, what turned things around for me was pretty drastic:
I almost became the WAW. I told my h I'd be taking S with me, we had a place about 45 minutes from here we were welcome to come to, and I had looked into a new school and I was SERIOUS.
It's not something you can fake (from all I've learned here). My "mamma bear" mode CAME OUT and I was not myself even. He has always loved his S (more than me even) and his behaviour had changed to awful.
He surprised me--wanted to go to counseling, went to church with me about 6-7 times (has since quit), cried a few times (I felt NOTHING), offered me the moon and stars if I just stayed in the house here, etc, etc.
In counseling I saw there were some other things I could do, and we got RULES about communication. That was HUGE for me. Like someone giving me permission to not expose myself to all his "vomit" (which is what I call it).
I started to get something I haven't had for a while--hope. I thought a good wife listened to all that stuff--that it was 'validating". It's not--it doesn't stop, you are just allowing them to spew all over you.
So it has stopped for now. But his behaviour is....not great....I think part of leaving so much (with S) is him "dfferentiating" himself. He is definitely on a path of some sort--cold at times, testing at times, himself a little at times....
It's different than before. I was a complete basket case because last time I saw CLEARLY that I was WRONG in so many areas of our marriage.
I actually don't feel that way now. Honestly, I have grown a ton. And my last thing to do for ME is to set boundaries in a loving but firm way. I may lose this M. I am really, really delving into this may be what happens.
So....I am really thrilled they are getting close again. They DO need that bond. I spoke to a friend who saw the two of them together and he said it was just so obvious that my H loves his S. Unfortunately, you don't always appreciate things until they are almost taken away.
I hope this love will motivate him and give him the extra push he needs to treat his family right.
I went to the coffee shop last night with S and there were some friends there having dinner. We joined them and had a great night. So I got to spend some good time with S myself this weekend.
And then today I went to church alone and stayed for 2 services, it was that good! I met two gals behind me, one is separated from her H, and one is working on getting hers to church. They were both pretty young, but BOY--they were really "with it". Detachment, unconditional love, the quiet, unreactive spirit that you MUST DEVELOP to make change--sheesh--they knew ALL about that and THEN some!! They were truly inspirational!!
So for today, I feel it was "meant to be". I will be patient about this a bit longer. I do think I will set a boundary about it in a couple of months--I get him a couple of Sundays a month, and if they need to make plans on a Sunday they can, but not more than 2 a month.
Also, I can start taking my S to church Wednesday nights too, now that his play is finished.
Hey, H4L, there is a guy named "Allen" over in Infidelity. I go over there and read his threads just because he is AMAZING at setting good boundaries. I am hoping to have some of his insight "rub off" on me.lol.
