Well, it'll certainly be a discussion. I know she'll bring up why postpone the inevitable ... I'm not facing reality, in denial, etc. I could let her know that I have the option of countering her D with LS in court and it tie things up and delay D anyway. Why not agree to LS for 1 year?
okay. not a good night. papers served. she planned it. restaurant, discussion about kids and visitation ... texting going on ... woman enters restaurant ... walks by table ... W eyes her ... woman at table, "are you???" ... idiot me .... "yes" .... papers dropped in front of me.
Well... that's pretty cold and calculating on her part. Enough said....
Remember it's not about you...this is what she wanted to accomplish all along...well now she has it....keep cool, continue doing what you were doing before and watch what happens next...
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
You have the papers. Accept that and validate her wishes. That does not mean you want the D or agree with her irrational thinking. However if you act "as if" it is ok you might find a change in her behavior. She knows that you are scared of the papers and don't want them. A 180 of this may bring different results. You can't fight that you already have the papers. And it is only a piece of paper!
CH, Are you alright? I can imagine you are very angry, upset, discouraged, and maybe even questioning yourself. Please take a step back and breath before you do anything. You may have to apologize for some things you may have said last night (I know I would have). But don't do that now. Just sit quietly and know that you are not alone. It hurts like heck to be betrayed like you have but there is a reason for what is happening. You will come out of this on the other end a better man if you decide to let God work in your life.
Eventually you will have to work through the legal aspects of a D. That day is not today. Today is the day you start to look deep into yourself and find the lesson to be learned.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
_________________________ Me-41 W-39 M-15 yrs T-17 yrs D-12 S-9 S-8 B 5/08 S 1/09
I have to tell you, that is cold hearted, bush league bullshit.
You need to rethink the way that you picture your wife in your mind. I've heard some pretty mean ways to deliver papers, but that one certainly ranks way up there.
That being said, I tend to think YOUR mind needs to be set much like OP has suggested.
You knew she wanted this taken care of, you've known it was coming. Accept the papers - you probably should have all along. And I do think she expects a negative response. If you haven't already, this may indeed be a chance to send a positive message.
And still.....damn, what a heartless way to get the job done.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Yes, some things were said on my part that I would take back. From I hate you to I love you ... not sure which one was worse in this situation.
And then a calm, rational discussion about visitation, my apartment, what I wanted from the house in order to furnish it (which is basically one item: the leather chair she had bought me for my office). Me again. Attached to the good things in our marriage--her efforts to find the perfect chair for my office. A dumb chair--but cozy!
Although she says she's moved on and feels no more resentment toward me, the past still got brought up and she bristles at the same topics. I brought up LS, but it just ended up with "I just don't want to be married ... I don't want a relationship ... I'll never get married again. I'm happy again."
But the papers are served now. The apartment has been selected and I'm working on finding my furniture. My Dad brought me over a toaster he found at an estate sale.
It's been a very painful day and a half. But I move on, learning to let God be God.
Yes, Bworl, it was cold. And in the end, things ended up cordial and, maybe it wasn't the best DBing technique, but I hugged her and gave her a kiss on the cheek. To her credit, she did want me to pick up the papers and offered that option; so, you're right, delaying getting them was only making her angry.
On the other hand, I told her that I would get them, but I wanted to sit down and talk to her first. I think her getting me the papers before the talk was important to her to help insulate herself from anything I had to say. The deed was done, and the faster one gets something they know is wrong done, the easier.
In the end, though, I do wish she hadn't selected one of our favorite restaurants to do it.
I am going to be retaining an attorney. Looking over the papers last night was depressing--seeing my marriage reduced down to a black and white contractual agreement ... our kids reduced to a distribution of assets.
I the papers she's asked for full custody of the children. She does not have an attorney. She likely downloaded the papers from Legal Zoom and followed the steps to avoid the cost. She asked that I not get attorneys involved ... all I need to to is just counter to her proposal ... attorneys will make this unnecessarily expensive.
I don't trust who this person has become. I hope some day I can again. But right now, I can't trust her.
It's hard to separate the legal from the emotional.
