I agree with Piano-- take time to grieve the loss. The loss may not be forever, but it exists right now.
Originally Posted By: Babydoll
I hate that I am that girl who's husband left her when she was 3 months pregnant.
You now have the opportunity to be the woman who handled major catastrophe with strength and courage. You CAN do that. You've have already taken so many steps in that direction. Let go of the idea that you are not good enough. The strength you show in your posts prove that you can uphold NC!
Yoga-ing much? I still want to check out that website or dvd you mentioned!
By the way, I have NOT thought of a name yet! It is really hard. Really friggin hard. When we were together, we were going in the direction of Rae, which is his grandpa's name. (Ray) But now, I want to bring my family into it more. So I'm thinking Vaeda. (Pronounced vay-da.) V for my grandma's first letter, 'ae' for Rae, and da because it sounds good. With a middle name, it'd be Vaeda Emmeline.
But I don't know. It's really hard making a decision all alone, especially such a big one.
What are you thinking for names?
me, 30 WH, 29 D born June 2010 M: July 2001 Bomb/S: 1/14/10 Done with it all.
maybe our h's are cut somewhat from same cloth. my h probably knew i would cave at that last moment. I remember someone saying do you want to be proud later on explaining to you son the circumstances around the birth? Who am i kidding i wanted him there, thought it would bring us closer and change things.
it did for alittle bit but we both settled back into our same destructive patterns.
On the text/calling issue, i'm rowing that boat with you as well. I was strong the end of Nove thru mid janurary almost feb of no real contact with h. he also went script with let's be friends. i told him under no way circumstance could i ever would i ever be his friend. I asked him, do you see me being friends with my exhusband whom we have a common daugther with?
Another poster told me to say something like this when h says lets be friends. Point to the ring, we are married. I'll have to look it up I think I just butchered the quote. basically it is saying that it unacceptable to be friends with someone your married to.
Ive even gone so far as to get rid of my phone so i wouldn't text/call, then i sabotage myself and say oh well i can send msgs via internet....
the last msg i sent to h was about his tire pump, i have to pump my tire a few times a day if i want to drive my car, i sent msg that it died. since then i've been dark.
not that i don't check my phone constantly driving myself in sane.
resist the temptation: I would think to myself a few months back of this: if i'm texting calling him he's in control, knowing what's going on with me and kids. If I don't text/call he will begin to wonder what's going on with me and kids, atleast that's the intention. it also helped to change things around teh house.
So i'm with you about contact but starting to focus on loosing all the baby weight.
Me 39 H 30 d 18 previous marriage d 2.5 with H s 4.5months with H Seperation Nov09 july i'm dim to dark - set internal deadline
Gatsby, H and I always mentioned names we liked and recently when were on better terms both shared our list of names... 90% of our lists were the exact same names...
Sometimes i start thinking if its the wrong or right thing to do to give baby H's last name... if i am the primary caregiver and will be probably go back to my maiden name if we really do get D'd, then who's name does the baby carry? What are you thinking of doing? JStar what did you do?
Jstar, you are right on with my thoughts when you talk about your delivery. In 10 years I want my son to knw that i did everything possible to save this marriage... because that is who i am . I also want husband to be there when the baby comes into the world and breathes his first breath... i am not sure if i am wrong for telling him he can not be there, although i wish he'd come around and show me that he wants to be there. When it comes to the baby, H is not backing down. says he doesnt want to do the custody route and that he and I will devise a schedule and that torturing an infant with house swapping is not his idea of raising an infant. In his delusion state of mind, he has often mentioned that he wants to move in when the baby is born to be there for me and the baby? told him definitey not a good idea. By all means when i say i no to him, its just to set some boundaries and show him he cant walk away and then back in when the baby is born. He often says, the baby has nothing to do with us! I dont see it that way!!!! Baby is here because of us and deserves a shot of a family life with both of his parents loving and living under the same roof. this is where i start to think he has lost his mind and is suffering sort of depression.
Why would someone want to leave their wife, and yet want to be a part of their life? dont most WAS walk away and move on?? believe me i am glad he is not 100% gone, but what exactly is this. I asked him this week, if he was just plain confused, and he said no, nothing has changed. So i guess he really thinks that I will just sit here and be friends with him to make him happy again?!
I also thought about changing my number, there are days i turn it off and leave it at home, or remove the battery and store it in the basement just to avoid the urge to text. H likes that I am still hanging on and that is the biggest reason why this has to all stop.
I've made so many mistakes. I would tell him if he couldn't be there for me during pregnancy how could he expect to be there during birth.
we didnt speak for months and i came up with the name. before we seperated he knew yhis child was a boy and wanted to name him after his name but not a jr. i said we could talk about it and time went on and we seperated.
in the hospital they brought me paperwork i put the name i chose, he saw it and walked out. I didn't give them the paperwork in hopes that he would want to talk about it. i asked him if he wanted to talk about it and he wouldj ust get so mad he couldn't. in the end my his not on the birth certificate, it's the name i decided months prior to son's birth.
i did this knowing i had certain amount of time that i could change his name, ihave another month where teh name change would be easy. I also felt at the time to protect my children by not listing h on certificate, he has no rights what so ever. if i had listed him he could take child anytime and cops would just say go through court to get custody orders.
At this point for both children he has to go through paternity to get visitation.
I didn't list him in thinking if he prooved himself by the time i needed to change his name i would, if he didn't do anything to prove himself i would leave son's name as it stands. btw our d 2.5 has hyphinated name. h wasn't happy about that either.
Me 39 H 30 d 18 previous marriage d 2.5 with H s 4.5months with H Seperation Nov09 july i'm dim to dark - set internal deadline
For me, I've decided she'll have my last name. (Big surprise coming from me, eh?) Even though I don't have that last name right now, I probably will change it or the divorce will change it. (I still don't know if divorce automatically changes names or if they're two separate processes that must be done.) So she and I will go for a few months with different last names.
Actually, this is something I need to think about. . . because I could start the name-changing process now.
Anyway, my feeling is that even if we get back together, the different last name situation will just be a "scar" that our family will have. Or he could take my last name! The funny thing is we actually talked about that on and off during the marriage because my last name is so much more interesting than his. So maybe we'll all be under my name. Or maybe we'll switch to a hyphenation.
But to me the worst that could happen is that I go back to my maiden name, she has his last name, and then he remarries. Then he and his new wife will have my baby's last name! I don't like that. That really pushes me to ensure she has my last name.
H is now angry at me. he doesnt like that i said we can not be friends... he said it is all or nothing with me... umm, is that a bad thing? to want my H back? So he could leave me and not want me as a wife, and I should get over it? But me saying we cant be friends hurts his feelings?
Guess H thought i could push all of my feelings aside and just let him in my life completely as my best friend. If i knew for one second that it was a risk i was taking in knowing he could possibly have a feeling for me... then i would risk the pain...
Spoke with BIL today, he and H were best friends for the past 7 years... BIL is completely heartbroken over this... but asked him his opinion and he said I should not have any C with H as he truly may just want a friendship out of all of this. H and I were best friends. I told him what happened over the past few weeks, and said why do you think H is doing all of these things and he bluntly said... you should not want H to tip-toe his way back and you question why he is doing this or that... H should run back if he ever has a feeling he wants to work on things. My family thinks H has suffered some sort of depression and fear of father hood and growing up! Poor mom has been pushing me to do things for myself... she hates to see me so sad and not myself.
I really do need to start taking some more time for me. I am really enjoying the kicks and baby movemens... although sometimes he lays in a position and then i feel the ligaments! hahaha... but i even enjoy the pains... spent the day with my nephew today, he is one! Wow does he make my heart smile...
thanks for the naming advice... im not sure what to do... i am just going to take one day at a time, until i feel strongly one way or another about it. but you both gave me something to think about!
to even go deeper on the naming: for daughter my 18 yr old came up with first name, her middle name are initials of my late mother with hyphen-last.
son somewhat similiar to daughters but middle initials of late father and my last name no hyphen. i remember what h said, so if my parenys were dead that wouuld be his sons middle? he said it with anger.
i feel bad at times but h had made choice to be gone for months and decisions had to be made.
i could never go from being his wife to friend when i still have those feelings for him
Me 39 H 30 d 18 previous marriage d 2.5 with H s 4.5months with H Seperation Nov09 july i'm dim to dark - set internal deadline
