Piecing Without Transparency

[addie]

Now I am the one who is sick. Woke up at about 12:30 am feeling nautious to make a quick dash to the washroom but didn't make it. I ended up throwing up all over myself, the bed, and then the washroom when I finally got there. H heard the commotion (he was still up) and came in to see what was going on. Immediately he asked if I was ok and started removing the linens off the bed, putting clean ones on, and cleaning up after me. I thanked him for what he did and went to bed. He came to stroke my hair while I was lying in bed.
I still have a fever, and feel pretty lousy this morning. S13 is still sick too. I think I will be staying home from work for another few days.

[faithisbelieving]

addie...this morning I took the time to cruise through all your new thread opening posts.

First off, I wish to offer you my sympathy on the recent loss of your father. I hope you find comfort in the good memories you had with him and knowing that other people here care for you. Stay strong.

Next, I wish to say that I am impressed at how well you have 'DB'd' throughout your entire sitch. You've handled everything so, so well...from setting boundaries, to detaching, etc. You should be able to wake up in the morning and like what you see in the mirror.

Lastly, I second what everyone said here and what one of my IC's told me: never make a major decision when under stress or depressed (not that you are per se).

Get through your current sickness and grieve the loss of your dad.

Supporting you.

FIB

[addie]

FIB - Thank you for stopping by my thread, your condolences, and words of support. Although I have made mistakes throughout this journey, you are right - When I wake up in the morning and look at myself in the mirror, I can always be proud of the person that I am.

I'm doing well given the circumstances. I'm not making any major decisions right now. Interestingly enough, H has been a lot more attentive the last couple of weeks. For someone who offered me so little support during my dad's illness and death, he's now being much warmer towards me. He's been initiating ML, suggesting we go for walks together, cooking dinners. I've remained lovingly detached throughout. I often look at H and wonder if I will ever love him as I once did.

[pearlharbr]

I often look at H and wonder if I will ever love him as I once did.

Boy do I understand that feeling! Sigh.

Keep up the good work with remaining lovingly detached and see where the road takes you.

[faithisbelieving]

addie...walks, cooking, ML...THOSE are babysteps that we love to see. It freaks me out when people write that their WAS wrote them an email or that they dropped them off somewhere and they label it a babystep.

Nah. Those aren't babysteps.

What you have.....are.

WTG. Stay strong but stay vigilant.

FIB

[addie]

Thanks PH and FIB.
Due to the lack of transparency that H has offered me, I've had to remain vigilant and I've remained stuck in the past. It's very difficult to truly work on the M when you're not sure what contact H is having with OW, or any other lies. The one advantage is that OW lives hundreds of miles away and that she didn't want anything romantic with H after their break up.

H and I were finally starting to move things forward last Nov to mid Jan. We were talking more openly, began to read the Healing chapters in Not Just Friends together, were having very passionate s&x, had started ballroom dancing classes together and he had even agreed to attend Retrouvaille at the end of Nov (which fell through because of S13 and his schedule).
Then towards the end of Jan, I found out that H had been lying to me about pursuing OW right up until the point of his return in May (he had been telling me for months that he wanted me and not her and that it was over with her). I found out he even followed her to another country last May in pursuit. This was just before he returned to live with us. Had I been aware of all this at the time, I never would have agreed to take him back. Soon after I found out this info and confronted H, my father became very ill, was hospitalized and eventually passed away... At the moment, our M is very strained. What keeps me hanging in there is S13. For how much longer, I can't say.
I've suggested to H to attend Retrouvaille at the end of April. I am waiting for his response.

[Kalni]

my friend addie,
it breaks my heart to read all the bitterness and resentment (correct me if I am wrong) you feel. Not saying that you are overreacting, hell no, but please keep in mind you father's death may be making everything too "dry" for you right now. Too cynical.

As far as H is concerned. I would talk to him openly at this phase. Ig you consider R your lact chance, make it clear to him how important it is for you. Also, the fact he was goig back and forth between you and OW, IMO, meant he was still detaching. It took my H a full year and he probably still needs some time to break completely free from the addiction. Your H was rejected by her, that makes it more difficult. I am not making excuses for him, just stating what I have read over and over again.
Take care of you soul,
hugs
K

[faithisbelieving]

I have only heard positive things about Retrouvaille. I think that, if you can get H to go, it is THE one thing to do that has the best shot at turning things around. FIB

[Abbey]

Just ringing in support for you addie. This roller coaster ride has us doubting the very thing we longed for prior to trying to get back together.

Will we ever trust again? I dunno. Some days we do better with it... some days I suspect we think we're going crazy.

Hang in there.
Abbey

[addie]

Hi Kalni, FIB, and Abbey - thanks for your comments. Yes, I do still hold a lot of resentment over the way things have gone for us. Most of the time I hold all of it in and let it out when I get really upset about something. Not an effective way to communicate! This is one of the reasons why I think Retro would be good for us since we both have a very difficult time communicating. I haven't heard a response from H in regards to Retro which is being held at the end of April. I didn't expect us to discuss anything because H was extremely busy up until last Thurs. He's away since yesterday until later tonight for a hockey tournament. If he doesn't bring it up, I will do so.

I've been keeping busy with work, working out, activities for S13, helping out my mom. Friday night S13 and I were invited at the last minute by H's brother and his partner to a sporting event which was a lot of fun. Interesting how they both actually prefer to spend time with me and not H ("SIL" has actually voiced this to me). I've also decided to join a tennis club and enrolled S and myself but also asked H if he wanted to sign up as it would be the same cost for all 3 of us. H said he'd join. Maybe this is something we can start doing together. Regardless I'll be playing and S13 is also excited about taking lessons.