MLCer or addicted infidel?

[WhatNow]

I suppose it doesn't matter which my H is, I will deal with it the same. I was maybe hoping for ideas on handling our recent contacts.

I have been over on the Infidelity thread, but had stopped posting on my own thread because I believed my privacy had been compromised by H in our home network. I took what steps I could with the router and bought a new computer. Still feel paranoid that H is reading but now think WTH! All I have to lose is my mystery!

I think it would be helpful to me to revisit our M in a timeline to help me clarify what has happened. Sorry this may be long! Hindsight is 20/20 right?!?!

1985 meet at work. (me 25, h34)
1989 marry
1990 buy "temporary" home. keep looking for the "one"
1991 DD born
1992 I become SAHM
1993 DD born
1996 purchase land for dream home.
1996 DS born
2000 Begin working with builder on Dream House.
H begins complaining about $ and saving for house.
5-5-05 move in! home is better than dreamed!
7-05 H stays home from family beach vacation

9-05 to 9/06 Begins going to happy hour after work with
co-workers I don't know.
H getting irritable. Loudly complaining about kids
behavior. I remember spending a lot of time trying to get thru to him that siblings argue, bicker, and irritate each other. Didn't he fight with his brother? I sure did! It didn't make them rotten kids. H is distancing from them, not going to events, seeing only at dinner. Says maybe he is too old for kids. Started this very gradually. Over the next couple of years, he became a major tyrant. I would occasionally try to talk to him about the damage he was doing to his R with the kids. He wouldn't talk about it. It was all them. Dinner became his platform to bitch at everyone. I was often relieved he was not there, and was not going on vacations w/us. I kept on with my busy life, and kept our social life going. I was not interested in S very often...hostility/ignoring not an aphrodisiac. I tried understanding h, assuming he was under a lot of pressure to make $ to finish things on house, and his mother was getting nuttier. By 2006, we had stopped inviting her over b/c she was so hostile and mean to the kids.
It was also during this time we set up a trust and wills and reconfigured life insurances. Tried to help his parents with this as well, but his mom accused him of trying to get his hands on her $, wishing she never had him and his Bro, and other evil, irrational stuff.
Met happy hour friends. 1 woman checks me out constantly but doesn't talk to me. How do I explain my intuition? She was interested in my H. I knew. I was not threatened. She was Ugly. Nothing about her was his type. Totally unkept. He was usually attracted to blonde/well dressed/boobs. She was none of these things...I think she showered! (His celebrity pass was Faith Hill.) She also ignored her H the whole time.

At some point in Mid-2007, I told him I was uncomfortable with the happy hours since I was excluded. He had plenty of time to himself. Too much. 3 nights a week at the club was plenty, plus weekends shopping for our business, had been the norm forever.

By Aug 07, I was suspicious. We went as a family to a convention in L.A. We were to spend the last day at Universal Studios, but H changed his mind and came home instead. I went ahead and took the kids. But, instead of checking into a hotel, I drove the 6 hours home. H was mad and kept calling, encouraging me to stop and check in somewhere. Told him I would. I fully expected to find her at my home when I pulled into the garage. Not.

Dec 07 He insists I plan a holiday party for his happy hour co-workers. I do. One single woman my age, one married w/ her H and kid, and OW and her H. A lot of work for such a small group, but I wanted to cheer him up. Our Parties usually involve 30-60 people. We already had 2 others planned but he didn't want to include these folks in those. Weird I thought but whatever. Well, OW shows up hours late, after dinner, without her H and with her own poolstick. Her and my H play pool and get wildly drunk until 2am. My teenagers and I sit and watch. The kids are asking me WTH? while she crawls all over him. OOOps! She is too drunk to drive the 30 min home so she sleeps in the theatre and is gone by 6am. I am pissed and tell H I want him to end his association with that group and her. He says he supposed to supervise her for her state license (PSych board). Too bad. He says not to worry, she is married and only 34. Too bad.

Throughout the spring of 08, he became even more hostile and his drinking increased dramatically. From a beer or 2, to bringing home large bottles of whiskey or vodka. All this time complaining about his hard work, how he hates it, how it is the same old crap all the time, how our kids are jerks. In March, he traveled out of town for a week to give a museum talk. I was disappointed he didn't take me...he had all kinds of excuses not to. I was glad he was going. He had been under increasing pressure from his parents. His mom was getting more violent, even suspecting she was abusing his dad. His dad was beginning dementia and didn't always recognize the kids. He and his brother had to dismantle his business and his office of 50 years, taking away his car keys and all that had kept dad going. Heartbreaking for H. Add to that, resistance from crazy mother was uber stress for him. Then dad was diagnosed w/ cancer. The summer was spent finding nursing homes for him. He kept getting kicked out b/c of crazy mothers behavior. H is now openly hostile all the time.
In June of 08 I found a lump. Kept it from H and went thru the ultrasounds and biopsies alone. H was too stressed and too hostile to help me. I kept the house going. The kids going. Planned a camping trip thru Utah and Wyoming which H cancelled out on the day before leaving in June. I took Kids anyway. In July, he cancelled out of beach trip at last minute. Too much work?? (He is on a school year calendar)

Aug 08 My birthday. We went out for dinner with another couple we have known our whole M. H barely recognized I was there. Hostility oozing out of him on the way there. His son(30) called every 15 min or so, looking for D17. He wanted her or us to babysit. He had asked the day before, But I explained it waws my birthday and we had plans. D17 also told him she had plans and it was too late to change them (tickets had been purchased). So, by the time we get in t he car, he is seething. He yells for the 30 min drive home about how awful we all are. Really shredded D17. I kept trying to explain that she had told SS30 no! I felt he should have been mad at SS30 for pestering us and ruining our dinner! I ended up calling him an as&&&&e.

2 days later he came home from work at 8:30pm.(no dinner, it was 2 hours ago) He ripped me a new one. I was a terrible wife, an awful housekeeper, a horrible mother, and my kids were rotten, so he was leaving. He put some clothes in his car and left.

The next day, I met with him to show him my mammo xrays ,telling him what was going on with my health, the biopsy the next week. If the news was bad, the kids would need him. If so, I said I would move out, live in my car, whatever. He said,"You won't have to live in your car". Weird response, I thought, of all the horrible possibilities, he wanted to reassure me about that!?!?

He came home that night, and I spent the next few weeks jumping thru hoops to prove him wrong about me. The health scare turned out to be just that...a scare.

After Labor Day, we were hosting a pre-convention open house at our home for a few days before everyone went to the convention. It was fun. I was really busy keeping up with the food, drink and mess, as well as the kids. H was hardly here!

While at the convention, he got a call from the nursing home that dad wasn't doing well, so he headed home while insisting we stay and enjoy. Dad died a few hours after he got there and came back the next day. Another week of family dinners with the out of town relatives and the funeral. Crazy MIL threw herself across the casket wailing. ugh H didn't even acknowledge me and the kids and kept walking away from the group to take calls. Weird? Business while at his dad's funeral?? Then he leaves the after dinner early to go to Karate, a new sport he began in June. Left me to entertain his family.

It was during this time, I saw a hickey on his neck. Yes a hickey on a 57 yo man. H said it was a bruise from karate, and since there was a bunch of people around, I filed it. One morning, I noticed he had hundreds of red scratch marks on his back. He insisted there was nothing there! I made a mental note to check the cell phone bill which had stopped coming to the house in April.

After much sidestepping I got the password to the account online and there she was! H averaged 600 minutes a month since Feb on her #. Here's where I made a BIG MISTAKE. I confronted him with what I thought was solid evidence. He said no, he was supervising her. She was young (for him) and married. I came back with Weekends? summer? While on trips? He did not respond which I now know means disregarded. He must have thought I bought it! The next month is gone from my memory. I remember a lot of hostility on both of our parts. I did put family locator on his phone and found he started stopping into a no tell motel for a few hours before & after work. When I saw the pay as you go flyer sticking out of his pocket in early Nov, I knew He had no intention of stopping. Me or her. He left.

Apparently, when OW found out I knew about the cell calls, she rented the motel room telling him her H was awful and she was leaving him soon. She left him the day after I threw H out.

I exposed to everyone I could think of. I educated myself on affairs. He took my copy of Not Just Friends with him, so I got another. I stayed in contact with him, meeting for coffee, lunches, kids activities, Thanksgiving. The hostility was gone. He said he didn't think I cared about him anymore. He didn't mean to fall in love with her. He said the friendship was most important to him and he didn't want to lose that. It would help our marriage. She should move in w/us, cuz she liked to cook and clean and would be a good influence on the kids!

I tried educating him about affairs...waste of time. He would pick and choose and twist bits of info to suit him. The whole time professing love for me, and confusion for himself. I was in shock, floundering, devastated, all the usual LBS stuff. I was kind, compassionate, with only occasional blasts and truth darts. He kept in contact regularly and end of Jan I invited to a spa weekend. He said he wanted to maintain some integrity and couldn't. I AM YOUR WIFE!!! What integrity??? I really lost it in that convo. He came home a week later. He cried for days. Went on the spa weekend. We got along well. Neither of us ready for R talk yet. S was fun as it always had been.

We went to the MC he had found and had seen a few times. She was awful! She didn't introduce herself so I did. Then she called me by the wrong name. She stuck us in a small room to watch a 40 min video on opening up to your partner and sent us home. Terrible experience for us both. Neither of us went back.

I found us a LMFT. He refused to talk about the affair. He said it wasn't our problem. He wanted to talk about the kids, and my terrible parenting, but it became evident I was single parenting for years. He wanted to talk about how I don't trust him. He disappeared one Sat and when I confronted him, He said "see! You don't trust me! OW is out of town! You failed the test!" All he had to do was ask me if I trusted him! FT suggested we see her separately. He goes to her partner and I see her now.

By April, i realized the A was ongoing, all the same affair lies and behaviors. He said he was addicted and couldn't stay away from her or her from him. D 17 was in Senior year of HS with all the luncheons, Proms, and other festivities so I wanted him around for that. By the middle of may, I couldn't take the lies anymore and threw him out again. Right back to her sleazy motel room, with all the drunks and hookers in the parking lot. Poor them.

I had minimal contact this time. Only about kids and D17's graduation stuff. End of June, a friend called to say they had been seen in Palm Springs. I flipped out. That was our place to get away! How dare he! Told me we couldn't afford to go the beach that summer, but he could do that! I called and left him a message that i was done with this nonsense and would see a lawyer on July 1 if he hadn't left her and come home. I suggested he come home and give us 6 months to see if we were repairable. If they were meant to be, 6 months wouldn't be a problem for them to be apart. He came home on the night of the 30th with only half his stuff.

By August, It was obvious they were in contact. I didn't know what to do. DS12 was having trouble at school. He had been diagnosed with anxiety and Depression and we were fine-tuning his meds. School was totally uncooperative, suspending him every time he opened his mouth. My focus was on him. Home was ok. H was there every night for dinner. We were entertaining again, and life was just rolling along. We went on a family vaca to the yearly convention, in Oct break. On our way to TX, D16 found H's phone and later told me OW had called 4 times already that morning- missed calls (His "Ho Phone she calls it since it is a pay as you go) Well, I thought he is figuring out how to let her go. He keeps saying he loves me very much and can't see a future without me. He wants to grow old with me. Yada Yada Yada.

The Day after Christmas, I walked into his office, and wow! it was all cleaned up. I asked if he was packing/leaving and he said no, just cleaning up. He was gone the next morning.
He loves me very much.

I went dark at this point. emailed him that contact was just too painful. I guess he thought that meant the kids too.
2 weeks later, about the time I was picking myself up, he starts sending "I miss you" emails. I ignored them. "My feelings for you haven't changed" WTH!? "I am very attached to you". "I miss you guys". "I never imagined being away from my family".

One day DS(now)13 tells me his foot doesn't work. Sure nuf, it is paralyzed. Started the rounds of Drs. Had to tell H. He is concerned but not enough to go to Neuro appts or MRIs. He asked for his baseball schedule saying he wants to go to a lot of his games this season. Missed opening day, seeing DS gimp around the bases. Has been to 2 games out of 11. Has seen kids probably 4 times in 16 weeks, with a couple of calls thrown in. I called Good Friday cuz DD18 had car trouble. No answer and didn't call back. Ok...I thought he'd be available in a crisis but now I know otherwise. DD 16 says It's ok Mom, He never calls me back either. He is paying the bills without question or complaint. He did show me how confused he still is. he asked about dropping him off of health ins. He is the policy holder. Duh. He knows he can't do that. He said he could pick up cobre. He knows (knew) thats way expensive and not worth saving a couple of hundred $. He has lost at least 50 IQ points! The businesses have gone bust. 25 years of building! Yes, Part of it is the economy, but not totally.

Ok, so, today H is still living in the OW's motel room. Not in much contact with friends or family. He doesn't seem too happy and still sees IC once a week.

I am doing my best to hold our heads above water. DS13 is in a new school and seems to be coping ok. Girls are quietly falling apart but hanging in there. Everyone sees ICs.

I have been organizing, hanging pics, finishing projects from moving in, and overall settling in. i even got the drill out last week to trim the courtyard door and put handles and a lock on it. I replaced the broken doorbell! I changed a few light switches to dimmers. My list is 2 pages long. It is hard to GAL since i already had a pretty full one. I am maintaining that and reconnecting with friends that I have withdrawn from in the last year.

If you have read this far! thank you! Please share your opinions. MLC or love addiction? Should I go back to completely dark? I seem to be able to handle my emotions better these days. Am I handling my contact with H ok? He says I bite everytime he reaches out. I stay calm and neutral, but was irritated he was hurting the kids with neglect. I have given up there too. The 2 games he went to, other folks were around so I was just myself, wonderful!