No, I don't want to be manipulating. I'm struggling to detach. I know it has to be done ... but this is all happening too fast and I'm afraid one little mistake on my part will ruin any chances of future r.
Your future Relationship will depend on who you are and who you become during this process.
ANY relationship deserves and requires you to do the work now.
The healing and finding of CH.....
Slowing down the process can be done, and there is little that YOU have to do....
It is the natural process of our legal system....
Detaching IS scary, albeit necessary for YOU..
It is the process of making a decision that is best for you, not to induce a reaction, but regardless of the reaction. Because it is the best decision for you.
There are two sides to what us LBS's go through.....
The emotional side of things, and the legal side of things.
The emotional is where our spouses are at right now....
Truth be told, they have been there since before the bomb...
That is why it appears to be so easy for them. The more defiant and resistant we LBSs are, the more it reinforces their decision to do what they are doing....
I'm not sayin make it easy by any means.
Ever NOT want to clean your room when you were a kid ?
You weren't manipulating, you just found a distraction that kept you from it....
That distraction , right now, should be you....
The legal is the struggle that lasts way longer...
The legal side is when you are protecting the business side of things. The business of you.....
I have not posted to your before but read your thread and feel for you and your stich. Mach is spot on with his advice. Please take the time to really think about what he is saying to you. I mean really think about it. You may not understand NOW but you will understand in the future.
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Your future Relationship will depend on who you are and who you become during this process.
Who you become is ONLY achievable when you let go and let life take it's natural course. Yep - a course where you may not have control over everything but you do have control over YOU.
Yes it may hurt, yes it is scary, but that my friend, is how YOU GROW, LEARN and HEAL!
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ANY relationship deserves and requires you to do the work now.
Spot on! Oh and what is the "work" you may ask....it is...
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The healing and finding of CH.
The key words are healing and finding. Who is CH? What does CH really like? Look man, I am gonna be really honest with you. The BEST chance you have to save your R is to
Detach, Heal, and to really think about YOU.
Your W needs to see a new man but that man must be the REAL you. So you do not make changes for her you make them for YOU. You do not make changes or act in a way that is (believe it or not) some subtle way of manipulation. I am not trying to be hard on you dude. I am trying to get you to realize that none of us can control another person - none of us. What we can do and what we have control over is US.
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This is a long road....
Time is amazing sometimes....
CH - take this time for you to really look at your life, what you want, the dreams you had for YOU. As Mach points out this is a long road but ONE that must be travelled! You may not see it now but YOU MUST travel this road as she must travel hers. In the end, you may both reconnect. In the end, if you really do the work YOU will be much better, stronger, healthier and lovable.
Do not fear buddy - you are not alone.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I realize how important it is to detach. It's just very difficult.
I do know that I am at a place right now where even if she had a complete change of heart and begged me to come back tomorrow, I couldn't. Not right away. Too much pain and damage has been done. I know it'd be too quick. We need the time apart. I have too much healing, and have identified areas that I need to work on.
But separation to me now is to heal and hopefully come back together. Separation from her is to get the D through as quickly as possible so we can both "pursue happiness".
I'd still like to at least push for an LS rather than D. I know letting go and letting it run its course is what's needed ... but I hate the finality sound of D.
I realize how important it is to detach. It's just very difficult.
Yep - it is difficult but can be done. It just takes time. You may slip up from time to time but don't beat yourself up about it. Remember, all you are doing is loving from a distance.
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I do know that I am at a place right now where even if she had a complete change of heart and begged me to come back tomorrow, I couldn't. Not right away.
That's sound fine but just keep working on your issues. Really look at the things that you need to change and just keep working at it. Change takes time.
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Too much pain and damage has been done.
That is why you take this time to HEAL. You need to heal your wounds and fix yourself before you can really embark on the journey of reconciliation.
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but I hate the finality sound of D.
Everyone does buddy - but why are you so affraid? Have you explored this? Does a D mean that it is over - I think not. So try and face the fear and find out the true reason that you have this fear.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
W and I will be sitting down to discuss things for the first time since the S. Primarily about visitation with the kids. I have been staying with a relative since the S, but am getting my own appartment next week so that I am near the kids school and will be in a logistical position to have them on a regular basis.
This is going to be a painful meeting. I have primarily kept any time with her short ... enough time to pick up the kids and get out. I am thinking about using this time to ask her for a legal S as opposed to D for right now. Is this a good move?
Also, any advice on how to handle this would be appreciated.
Try and keep it business like and do not be attached to the outcome of this meeting. I'm wondering why you are having a meeting with her in the first place. As far as I'm concerned this meeting is pointless. Sounds like more of your W trying to be in control. Do you spend time with your kids now?
Good work on the apartment.
Do you have a L yet?
_________________________ Me-41 W-39 M-15 yrs T-17 yrs D-12 S-9 S-8 B 5/08 S 1/09
The reason for the meeting is two-fold. First, she's upset bc I have not accepted the papers yet and she wants me to go sign for them. Second, living where I am is too far away for me to be active in taking care of the kids. Moving closer I will be able to make sure this is a joint situation. I've picked a place close enough to their school where I will be able to drop them off and pick them up from school.
I have consulted a L but not retained one yet. Neither has she to my knowledge.
