It is an amazing story June. I think it's key that there was never an actual moving out by your H. That is such a huge step, and one that probably many WAS can't come back from even if they have doubts.
Last edited by flowmom; 04/18/1003:25 AM.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Yes, FM, I agree, that is why I feel like I had it very lucky. My H could see my changes.... I don't know how it would have been if he moved out. He stayed b/c he did not want to be a part time dad...
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Is he an anxious, uptight type of guy? A black and white thinker? Not very flexible?
He switches into the above often, esp under stress. Intense German and Swiss-german parents too.
Interesting, I come from a German background. My mother always finds fault with me and can be really unpleasant. Some of my cousins are a bit kooky- just off. My friend always states her German mother is difficult, etc. I think I am very, very biased though-lol!
Has he ever realized there were flaws in himself or blame you for everything related to the M problems? Does he have much insight into himself?
Last edited by june72; 04/18/1004:50 AM.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
june72: thanks for sharing. i'm going to look at your thread. seems like a real turnaround story. congrats! life brings us those places sometime! good for you to be able to make it all right again.
rr22, honestly it is really verbose and lengthy, almost unreadable-lol. I used this site as my online diary basically.
I didn't see him reconciling with me, honestly. He is usually very ridged and it had been so long, his stance that it is over. I kind of snuck back in, honestly, using total PMA, no bitchiness (during a period that was extremely bad with work and a very sick kid). My hubby actually comented how I seemed to be handling such really bad stuff so well- I faked it, cryed in private and pretended like if I was totally alone, how would I deal with things then. His being in the house was great b/c I could work on changes but sucked b/c I was with a person that couldn't stand me all the time. The coldness was difficult to bear, to be around. I still think an in house sepeartion was way easier than what most people deal with on this site.
I eventually got him to start having sex with me again (I was really agressive) but after many months of sex but still "I hate you's", I defnitely was feeling very used so I started to stop having sex and letting him know that I was feeling used.
I never wavered in my stance about still loving him and working on the M. Never, I did have many, many doubts though- wondering if HE was even worth the effort. I would then think of my kids and realize they are worth the effort.
I didn't really DB with only a goal of getting him back. If it happened great- but I wanted to try and get a better life for me and find my happiness without him. To be mentally prepared for the future regardless of how it turned out.
There would be times were I felt he cared for me again so I would get excited but only to get dissappointed. I would be an idiot and have relationship talks that always went south, immediately. It was totally pointless and weak of me.
I think when he realized that I would be fine with or without him and was really ready to be alone if necessary- he caved. I pretty much was done. I had had enough. He literally went from one minute saying he would not be very sad if I was to die (we were talking about the kids and wills, etc.) to I love you.
After that he had to do work on himself and prove himself to me. I was not going to accept a man who did not own up to his own [censored]. For years, everything that was wrong was my fault, only mine. Now he admits to his part. He really makes an effort to make me happy and voices that he is worried he is not doing enough. He still freaks out with difficult conversations but I realize that serious anxiety takes over for him and it is very hard. He has trouble staying in the room, he wants to run out.
I then had many months of self doubt. Is this the man that I want to be with? A man that really would put me through such nonsense? That hurt me so badly? I would test him by getting bitchy or mean and he would try his best. He didn't say we are over- like I expected.
When he was really nice I would get so upset afterwards. Why, why all the cr@p he pulled on me. He knew it hurt me so much, Why?
I have asked him repeatedly, why did he do this? Why? He states that he saw no other way. He was in a situation that he hated so much and just so badly wanted it to end at any cost. He could not longer take the way things were.
Now, I am ok with everything. I am a better person and a strong er person and honestly happier than I have been in years. And not happier just b/c he is in love with me again (that is only part of it). Happy that I know I can be on my own if I really had to be ok, happy that I GALED and made new friends, happy that I started to focus on myself again and what would make me happy.
I think the message I am trying to say here is that is you really apply the DB principles (and I was a natural at it b/c I was DBing b4 I knew what DBing was), lose the fear of "what-if's"- you will be ok regardless of the outcome. Really, really ok- I firmly believe that.
I see people on this message board- divorced. Some have moved on and found their happiness (and no I do not mean with another person) and some are totally "stuck" and not moving forward. I see the principles still applying here... you work on you and improve your own life. My goodness, do not let another human being destroy your life, why would you give them all that power? IDK.
We know have a way better understanding of how to handle each other and try to avoid any screaming matches, etc. To be honest- it is what I grew up with and thought it was the norm- to be miserable in a M. He group up with a pretty disfunctional family too... bringing in his own set of issues.
TO add further- I read every marriage repair book I could get my hands on to. Tons, and tons of info on the internet and found meetup.com to be so very, very awesome to suddenly instantly get a very busy social life.
Last edited by june72; 04/18/1005:33 AM.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
My sincere apologies FM- b/c the above is the worst hijack I have ever seen-lol!
Anyhow, the moderators must be watching me as I type b/c a word was immediately censored as soon as I previewed the message. Kind of a weird, big brother watching, type of feeling-hehe.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Just tried to edit my lengthy rant but couldn't.....so here is the rest below.
And, yes, FM- an in house seperation made my work a thousand times easier. I can tell this- I didn't see him reconciling, but towards the end it didn't matter to me b/c I had given my good faith effort and was eventually going to seek the D if his stance continued b/c I deserved to not live like that. I let him know this too- I love him, I want to be with him but I will eventually (when I had money and a better job) seek a D b/c I do not need to live with a person who can not stand me and knows he is hurting me emotionally.
I didn't realize he was paying such close attention to my changes as he was....I didn't know he was even reconsidering me. At this point I thought the moments where we were feeling closer again just didn't matter enough to him....I guess they did.
Last edited by june72; 04/18/1005:42 AM.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
June, I really would love to see you start a thread in newcomers where you summarize your sitch and talk about what you've learned like Britt did. It gets across to people that even though sitches are different, there seem to be some commonalities among the LBS who turn things around and either reconcile or renew themselves in their lives. YOu have wise words to share and you can allow others to celebrate with you who aren't familiar with your story.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I kind of disagree here. With the moving out thing. Especially when there are kids which means that you DO get the chance to interact and as a result "shine" anyway.
June's H as she shared had no affair. Men RARELY leave when there is no other woman. They are more into "replacement". In my case, I was replaced and he couldnt deceive me any longer cause I was going nuts and starting to make it hard for him. The guilt and double life (lies, arrangements,pressure from her), made him so angry all the time, so difficult to live with, there was NO way for me to calm down and get my self control back, if he had stayed. We would have ended up killing each other. Plus he missed US. The home, the family, me. For a year he had it all, playing the dad and screwing around with his GF, moving out made the price he had to pay obvious, a price he had not given much thought of. Each story, is different. K
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