Question

[awest1217]

Well, the day is about over and...I don't know what to say. Mostly sat around the house and did nothing. S was very funny and sweet. My brother and SIL came over and they are going to take me to a cubs game for my birthday. There are two problems with that 1. I dislike baseball 2. S doesn't get to come so he is staying with my mom. Number 2 is a problem because I hate being away from S. I know I need to let go because it is very unhealthy for S to always be with me, but since H left S is all I've got and honestly I am worried about H taking him from me. I can't imagine having to give him to H every other weekend. It just kills me thinking about it. I am sure I will have fun, but still...not something I really want. More of them trying to push me.

I got a gift card to a store I don't like from my in-laws so I pretty much got nothing there. I will probably just use it on getting S some shorts because I don't even like the clothes for him there.

H text me at 12:30 to say Happy birthday. He then asked about plans. I thought there might be plans with my fam and friends, but that was about chicago so nothing going on. H, S, and I went to a restaurant and then got me some free ice cream (coupon for my b-day). We came home and not too long afterwards put S to bed. H kept yawning or crying the whole time we were together. It was just weird. He did get me a "wife" card which was weird. It said how happy he is to be my husband, but nothing written from him. Just love always and his name. He got me a willow tree figurine that says I love you. After putting S to bed, I asked if he wanted to stay to watch a movie. He said no because he has papers to grade (third no in two weeks). He was teary again so I asked what was up and he said he didn't know. Then he left...teary.

He later text me to say that he was just thinking about how much he missed being part of a family. I said that he could be, but that is his choice to not be. He never once came out to say that he wants to be with me. He did some sweet things, but then left when I asked him to stay. Still so crazy. He also said the last few weekends in group he was getting at taking responsibility for the demise of our relationship, and pushing me away. He said he loves me, so I said but not enough to want to be my husband. He said he never said that, which he hasn't but he won't say he wants to be with me either. I just am so sick of all of this. It only happens on holidays or special occasions.

I really just need to be completely done with him because I don't know what he wants. I have been thinking about sending him an e-mail explaining how I feel so I will keep thinking about that.

Thanks to all for the b-day wishes. It really wasn't too bad. I really only wanted to have someone get a card for S to give to me and i would have been happy. All the other would be gravy. Soon S can make cards so that will be great.