Well, since you asked, what saved it last time was this... I GAL, started going out, doing fun things again, teased him, joked with him, acted cute again like when we were first dating. We ML the whole time through, he was attached to her but not as much as to this one. The last one was an EA and this is a PA. Both times he thought they were his "soul mates" and both times he planned to marry them, but this one is more serious. It could be her that's different. This OW could be pushing him into leaving me, being more aggressive. The other woman was a Hispanic woman (I have a point here, hear me out) who was married to a very Hispanic man - they were here from Costa Rica, she barely spoke English. He was very macho, he took NO crap from her. Culturally she was not in a position to leave him. She had a green card, I'm sure part of what she was looking for was citizenship from H, but he didn't see that. She had a good friend who wound up marrying DH's coworker (both were going on at the same time but he left his wife) When I called and left a vms on her phone, her H picked it up and had her stuff packed and on the sidewalk when she got home. She called me back and SCREAMED at me for exposing to her H. None of that was recommended by the boards, I just did it b/c it felt right to do it. I felt I had a position of power at the time b/c H and I were still in the same bed, hanging out together, ML, etc.
I almost feel as if I have to GAL, get closer to H this time and THEN I'll have that position of power again. Tonight while I was out, DSS20 text'd his sister looking for me. It was weird, he never cares where I am when I say I'm going out. He may have been looking for a ride, or H may have put him up to it. I know H was very curious where I was tonight, so I feel like maybe I have more power than I thought. He has been acting like he's "done" and we're "over" but the more I distance and listen to you all, the more I see he's still very confused.
Here are my points: A. He's staying on the couch b/c he's (1) punishing me, and (2) afraid of being too close to me... ML, touching, etc. He's distancing himself b/c he can't trust himself around me. B. He's curious where I am and what I'm doing C. He thought I looked nice on Friday and didn't seem to want to leave me D. He is just so emotional and screamed at me last week how HURT he is
All in all, by distancing myself and thinking more clearly, I can see he's not as done as he says he is. After all, the opposite of love is indifference, not hatred. He's behaving with a lot of emotion in regards to me.
I feel as if I GAL and work on myself for a bit, take care of myself, he may be drawn back to me enough that the power I have will grow enough to be able to have those consequences and demands.
By power, I mean that he will care what I say and what I desire again. Right now he's told himself that nothing I want matters b/c he's spent the past decade catering to my whims. Not true, entirely... most of my whims were NOT catered to, but he feels that way.
I'm still identifying him with an MLC. I have been thinking about it and I wonder if he started it before and I stopped it in mid crisis with my efforts and now it's just back? Any chance of that? I know that he's been very focused on aging for the past 3 years and subtle changes have been taking place during that time.
