In reality, the image of my M was really just that, an image made up in my mind. I never really had it, because she never really gave it to me. I lived a lie as much as she did. Only difference is that I would have fought to keep it and make it better.
What do you mean by this?
What I mean is...
I had an image in my head of what my marriage was; the happy couple..great kids..and so on..
But within the last four years especially; I knew something wasn't right. But I still had an image in my head that we had a great family. I was in denial, a fog, under her spell, yada, yada, yada. Whatever it was; once we were no longer together 24/7 in the same house, I began to realize the image that I had of my M was unreal...false...like a hologram I projected onto everything around me. We never really had a GREAT marriage. I mean, we've had some good times and the first few years weren't bad at all. But neither of us really knew how to have a great marriage.
Throw in a PD and some codependency and there was no way to have a great M. The rub is that I have identified my shortcomings and was always willing to work it out. She doesn't want to face her demons and that would have to happen to put it back together.
So I have gone through the stage of feeling down and in grief for a M that didn't really exist in the manner in which I had built it up to be in my mind.
And I don't want to confuse those feelings with revising history which all WAS' do. I don't believe that I revised any of our marital history; I've just opened my eyes and looked backward into it.
