dear bd, only just caught up with what's been going on at your end. wow. too much confusion. and i can see you've gone on a rollercoaster ride - hope to loss of hope. in a word: not good. CAKE EATING ALERT!!!!!!
Where are your BOUNDARIES?
You are giving him b-i-g mixed messages. "I can't be friends", but keep texting back and forth and then you let him come over and touch your tummy and roll around with the dog.
You wouldn't let a non-friend do those things, would you?
I also think you have a lot to lose by not keeping to your boundaries. I think you have a good chance of saving this M, but this back and forth behaviour seems to undo any good word you do.
I hope you don't mind me being harsh.... BUT is this behaviour advancing your goals or the opposite?
I'm worried you are going to start resenting him and losing respect from him.
You are seeing glimpses of the old him, which must pull terribly at the heartstrings, but you need a FULL person to come back to you, not this current one.
You need to give him a taste of what life as a divorced dad is. A divorced dad doesn't come over and roll around on your carpet with the pooch!
Forgive me BD for being rough.. Have a look at what Allen has posted on my thread about the addictive traits of the LBS... they ring kinda true in both our sitch's, in my humble opinion.
Piano, you are not being harsh! you are being honest! i have been following your thread and read Allen's comments, and take them as if he is writing to me too... hahaha.
you are 100% right... i say we can not be friends and somehow i get pulled in. i need to find the stregnth to not only stop contacting him, but to ignore him. I'm not sure that H and i have a good chance of saving the marriage... i just think that H is extremely selfish. he wants me in his life as his friend to condone what he did, make him feel better about himself and to be close to the baby. I can not continue to be used and abused. sorry.. i cant do it anymore. H replied to my short & sweet email, and said he feels like i am giving him an ultimatum... well hello?!?!?!?!? you left me and i cant say we can not be friends... so i replied back that i am strong enough to do this on my own. i get the stregnth everyday to forget about you, am too excited about baby to worry about you and dont need you in my life. I will have someone contact you when the baby is born, as for us, we have nothing further to discuss.
i cant take someone in my life who is not 100% all-together. i have a baby on the way... cant take care of H and his insecurities and need for me to be his crutch in life.
i need someone to put me on a pedestal, not someone who knocks me down everytime i started feeling stronger.
Wow, how my posts have changed... talk about Rollercoaster ride... i just went through the biggest loop of my life! and now I am getting of this damn ride i had enough! Between H and the hormones... i am really wearing myself out!
I am making myself Anti-H goals:
1. do not contact H for any reason what so ever 2. If H contacts me I am ignoring him, his calls, his texts, etc 3. Do not include H in any baby plans, names, birthing classes, etc.
My personal goals
1. find a name for this precious baby! 2. Take care of myself, go to the spa, and get pampered! 3. Do things I enjoy like taking long walks, and spending tme with family and friends 4. FORGET whats-his-name and turn all my energy into ME!
gatsby, i like your idea of goals H has to meet if he is even interested in reconciliation... i am going to work on them! just not now... i am taking a vacation from thinking about H.
Sad part is... I have moments where i truly dont believe i could love H, knowing he is capable of doing this or capable of treating someone this way. I love the old H... not this guy...
My brain is tired of thinking for me... one minute i am high on hope... next minute i swear there is no way in hell things could ever work...
i'm tired of DBing and detaching, and everything... i was finally starting to feel better and really working on GAL, and then H comes charging in and drives me nuts! I think he is calculating and selfish and everything he does is with an alterior motive... one which only benefits him.
Do you think when our babies are born, we will be so in love with them and consumed, and too tired from lack of sleep to miss our Hs? I hope so. Everyone swears the baby takes over your heart... its easy for them to say, they all have their Hs by their side... i dont know anymore...
Cant stress... doc says no good for the baby and contractions!
so i replied back that i am strong enough to do this on my own. i get the stregnth everyday to forget about you, am too excited about baby to worry about you and dont need you in my life. I will have someone contact you when the baby is born, as for us, we have nothing further to discuss.
Ok this is good I think if you can keep your word. Can you follow this, cross your heart, for at least, I'd say the next 3-4 weeks?
Originally Posted By: Babydoll
I am making myself Anti-H goals:
1. do not contact H for any reason what so ever 2. If H contacts me I am ignoring him, his calls, his texts, etc 3. Do not include H in any baby plans, names, birthing classes, etc.
My personal goals
1. find a name for this precious baby! 2. Take care of myself, go to the spa, and get pampered! 3. Do things I enjoy like taking long walks, and spending tme with family and friends 4. FORGET whats-his-name and turn all my energy into ME!
Sounds good. And we'll be here for you to support you.... If you need to contact him at all about something very important during this time you could ask someone else to pass on a message for you.
Im starting to lose faith again in believing that even a miracle could help us. I could understand how WAS convince themselves that their marriages were mostly bad... i am starting to only remember the negative lately. I sometime get tired of pushing myself... i just wish i was happy. i wish my life were the same as it was 4 months ago... i wish i had an inkling that my H was so unhappy and that he did not have any intentions of staying.
A relative of mine said to me that she thinks i am too strong to ever take him back no matter what he does to try and win me back. she believes that if H and I went to MC that I would be the one who decideds not to reconcile. I was crushed. i askd why and she said you are always so honest and true and dont like people who are the opposite and i dont know how you could ever forgive him. My father left my mom after 31 years, several years ago, and he managed to turn his entire family against my mom, my sibling and me. i felt like that was my first divorce... it was so much easier to cut ties with my own father who raised me since birth, than my H. How is that? i know they are not the same, but i am usually a person who loves you unconditionally and trusts and will do anything for you, until you cross me. Then i basically do not like you anymore. With H, every thing I stood for goes out the window. I am not the type to plead and beg. i work hard for what i want and bratty as this sounds i earn what i want. ive always had a happy life... and then this?
I hate that I am that girl who's husband left her when she was 3 months pregnant. why cant i be that girl with the great husband who are expecting their first child, and they are so darn excited about it! Why did he have to take away this most special moment away from me... who is he to take away my joy in being pregnant... why does he have the right to rip my life apart... and make me cry all of the time when WE should be planning together a life of happiness for my son.
why did this have to happen to me... or to you... or to anyone on this site...
why cant we all just be 100% happy... and happily married!
hard day... lots of tears...
Piano,, you asked can i keep word... truthfully... No. i dont know why. i dont like fighting or arguing with him. i dont like the Friendship thing either... am i fighting for a worthless cause. i am not strong enough...
i can speak from experience on this horrid topic. H left me 4 months pregnant. Up until surgery i was determined not to tell him when son was being born, angry angry angry. swore up and down for months no way was he getting near the birth, the day was about me and baby.
The day before surgery I went into labor i broke down and called him. Allowed him in delievery room, it was tense for a few days, after week in hospital went home,.
got home things didn't go well, he took our d2.5 soccer earlyin am and was supposed to return to make sure i was ok and fed,. he did't show back up until 8pm.
since then(feb) we don't handle our arguments, no communication. There are a few days he comes to see kids then weeks will pass till he does again. I had to put a stop to that, confusing and not healthy.
If it was just my nbson i probably wouldn't have had such a hard time but, i have my 2.5 yr old d and no family support. I would HATE him for leaving me, not helping.
you asked the question about falling in love with baby when born of course you will, enough to forget about h, IT WOULD BE TOTALLY AWESOME if that happened to me, but it didn't. I could not help but feel, i fought for 9 months for this baby,( high risk pregnancy under special care and meds)i wanted to harm him, so i put out his lawnmowers he left at my house mnths back for the taking. after that anger subsided, i wanted it to work out even more.
unfortunately i still love him, want my marriage.
Me 39 H 30 d 18 previous marriage d 2.5 with H s 4.5months with H Seperation Nov09 july i'm dim to dark - set internal deadline
bd, I'm glad I caught you. I was sorry to read your Dad's story.
You need to grieve the old marriage. the loss of the innocence. You need to set aside time to do that. Cry every day if you have to, get the crying over and done with otherwise it will build up and come out anyway. then you need to refocus on what you want. You can still have values, still be 'crossed' by someone you love, and you can chose what direction you want to take.
Don't let your relative put ideas in your head. You cannot write the future, nor can others. But you can chose to be the woman who forgives her husband now or one day down the track.
You have to face the pain of your situation. Accept it. Live with it. Grow strong. Only then are you ready to fight for your marriage. Meanwhile you have to fake it till you make it - so even if you want to txt him or call him, DON'T.
Do what WORKS, not what FEELS good.
Do the above even if you decide at the end of the day you DON'T want the marriage.
You need to stick to your word BD when you tell H that he is out of your life. It doesn't have to be forever - what's 3 weeks of going dark? You are 27-28 weeks pregnant. NOW is the time.
Challenge yourself. This is hard work. But you will be proud of yourself for leading the way with your WH. Show him what a strong adult is. Show him you you have values and boundaries. Don't do it to be mean. Do it because it's the right thing for you and baby, and because it gives you the biggest chance of saving your M (I'm only going by what the vets say..and they've seen thousands of cases like ours.).
you are 100% right. I do want my M to work. H doesnt. I am fighting all alone, so i tend to lose hope a lot. Everything i read says leave him alone, NC, so why cant i just do it! i am going to re read the Detachment papers tonight too. Will start re reading DB and DR too. I really need to find the stregnth to go dark. I really need to work on me. i am always blaming H for my feelings and my life, but i need to take control of my life again and enjoy it. Even if its different than how i/we always imagined.
Its just not fair that H always wants things his way... first he leaves without ever giving me an inch of notice then files for D when i can barely stop crying to notice he really left, and then wants to be friends for his own selfish needs? it makes me angrier to know that he sees no wrong in any of this. why would you want to be friends with someone and spend time w them, yet you wouldnt want to reconcile or work on your marriage together?
you are right... what is 3 weeks? 3 weeks to repair my M is not a long time(if not repair, get H to want to repair) or 3 weeks to regain my stegnth and control over my life and my happiness...
i need to get strong... dont want to cry over him when the baby is born... at least not how i cry now... and i need to be strong for myself. dont want to get post pardum...
Jstar, you wrote above how against your words and thoughts, when the time came you invited your H to be in the delivery. I would love to have H there and he knows that... i also have told H a thousand times that he will miss his son's first breath and entrance to the new world. I think he thinks i cant stick to my word. I am a sucker! Because he knows im not that kind of person.
A couple of weeks after H left... he told me... one day you will forgive me because its me...
that is just the way that i always am... no grudges, heart on my sleeve, i do anything to make anyone else happy...
my problem is that i have told him and written him so many times that i am not his friend and will not be here for him... i tell him i am moving on... and i am still HERE! No wonder he never takes me seriously! i say one thing then do another... im acting wishy washy! and i dont like it! i dont like myself anymore!
I still feel the need to call and text! Why?!?!?!?!
Tonight i am working on a new me... Wish me luck my friends...
