Time for darkness.... (thread number 3)ears open

[james217]

James.

You can get it with her. However always know you are worthy, and if its not her there will be someone else who values you as you are.

Im not even thinking about dating. I have too manyh things I need to work on and the herpes is not something easy to discuss.

The thing is she has to be willing to work it out. WAW likes to avoid things alot. The issues are still there. They are just getting worse over time because she's not in IC and getting the help she needs.

She makes it seem like everyday I just unloaded on her. We'd have family talks maybe once or twice a week for a few hours.

But if you look at that list? I'm doing alot of things right only to find out later i'm doing them all wrong. I can't work on what she doesn't tell me when she's holding stuff in and then explodes and leaves. or when we talk and what i'm saying is bothering her she doesn't let me know.

[DaddyLongShanks]

I think you keep worrying about things that hold you back.

Stay away, perhaps over time you speak to her in front of a marriage friendly marriage counselor.

[james217]

You can't be accessible for her to continue to blame. This stage in the game, a couple of weeks might not be a bad idea.

If she continues to do it, she will direct it at someone else. She may learn the error, or may not.

she knows what she's done. It's just easier to point the finger at me. I'm willing to work things out. She'd rather run and avoid it. Even individual things we should be working on.

But like I said i'm no Wally Cleaver. I've done my fair share of damage.

Most of it untentional. most of it even unknowing. She know/knew alot of things I had issues with and nothing changed for months and then our dates were totally different.

I do think this talk about why she can't come back and why she won't come back is somewhat positive because she's at least thinking about coming back.

one of her favorite things to say is "you just expect me to come back running into your arms and everything is fixed. It won't be."

I state that if we address our issues and not avoid them and go to ic and mc we can make it.

[DaddyLongShanks]

On her favorite saying its why I said you need to get out of that house and do some stuff, you CAN date. Sit with females who like you. You don't have to take it any further than spending time with you. It will be good for your healing and your EGO.

You can't talk to her about the problems you two have together, thats been evident in all your posts. Its why if you decide to stay with THIS particular lady, that you speak in front of a counselor. A marriage counselor that YOU picked.

You also pointed out one things that these scorpions do. They will get mad at something totally unrelated to you, they will take it out o you, like you said your deprived of sex for things that she's pissed off about on her life. Its why I said to be inaccessible. Its going to be alot of stress on her, not to be able to dump it on you. Whose the new target?

Any communication with her family structure enables a viewpoint that goes against stability and long term relationships. I know what it is. You can't prevent it, but if you pay those bills you can relocate yourself an uncomfortable distance away.

The new way is going to be that she wants to be with you, you can't chase her, adn she can't be BS'ing you anymore.

You gotta rebuild somwhat:

mentally
physically
spirit
rules ( some of the [censored] you take today, you can't take anymore )


Your going to be fine either way.

[james217]

He gets malicious treatment, and talked badly to, because she is cheating on him.

She never did own up to her affairs, and in effort to maintain her pride she holds anger toward him. When my wife started doing her thing, she used to cry, but her friend convinced her if she could make herself hate me AND NOT LISTEN to me, that it will stop hurting her.

Um, most people in affairs will do anything to take the focus of what they are doing and place blame on anybody else. This is not unique behavior from your W or James W. It is what the majority of people in affairs do when the LBS tries to spoil their fun.

There are some bad people out there, and james217 is on the crossroads of that situation. His family, mostly "good" stable situations, etc. Her family, no long term relationship, NO ONE married, BAD ADVICE. People like that will take advantage of you over and over again till its done.

James W and his family are two separate entities. And using the term "inner city bad" is a bit offensive.

If James has been so abused by this woman why hasn't he pressed any charges and set the boundary that physical abuse resulting in a laceration and scar will not be tolerated? You teach people how to treat you and so far James has allowed this woman to get away with whatever she wants in the name of "love".

My dad was an alcoholic who abandoned his children and starting using heroin the last ten years of his life. Does that mean I am excused of bad behavior also?

We all have family issues and past baggage to work through. Part of real personal growth is not blaming our OWN behavior on the influence or bad behavior of others. Had we all learned that a long time ago many of us would not be on this board in the first place.

Nobody claimed James wasn't loving. What many of us said was he must learn the basics before anything could happen. Drama, bad behavior, affairs and power struggles don't end after one or two dates.

It is nice James has found a confidant on the boards. I strongly urge you not to enable destructive behavior and validate any sort of blame on people NOT involved in the marriage. Clearly James and his W both have very, very poor boundary setting skills. That is the issue. Not a family gone wild.

i CAN SEE BOTH SIDES TO THIS. If there's no positive M environment to go on then you can't really have a basis and the values to stick it out. She did have grandparents who were married for along long time. They are both dead and they were her voice of reason.

I see what you're saying too. you do not have to let your environment influence who you are or what you become and once you realize what you are and what needs improving you should work on it.

I will say this though C.G. you are alot stronger than my WAW. You are one touch cookie. Alot of people could not overcome all of the things you have over the past year and in your life and deal with it.

I honestly believe she held alot of stuff in that were issues with me issue with herself from the past and present and possible future and just blew up making me the focus of all that rage.

I think I did some of the same things to her.

I don't know if it can work. you're right there were no boundaries. She started setting them after she left and I still haven't set mine nor would she probably care to hear them.

But I do need to draw a line in the sand because this is not work. 3 hours of darkness. I'm doing good so far. It's hard not to call but I'm trying to not make things any worse

[Puppy Dog Tails]

45 more to go . . .

[james217]

On her favorite saying its why I said you need to get out of that house and do some stuff, you CAN date. Sit with females who like you. You don't have to take it any further than spending time with you. It will be good for your healing and your EGO.

You can't talk to her about the problems you two have together, thats been evident in all your posts. Its why if you decide to stay with THIS particular lady, that you speak in front of a counselor. A marriage counselor that YOU picked.

You also pointed out one things that these scorpions do. They will get mad at something totally unrelated to you, they will take it out o you, like you said your deprived of sex for things that she's pissed off about on her life. Its why I said to be inaccessible. Its going to be alot of stress on her, not to be able to dump it on you. Whose the new target?

Any communication with her family structure enables a viewpoint that goes against stability and long term relationships. I know what it is. You can't prevent it, but if you pay those bills you can relocate yourself an uncomfortable distance away.

The new way is going to be that she wants to be with you, you can't chase her, adn she can't be BS'ing you anymore.

You gotta rebuild somwhat:

mentally
physically
spirit
rules ( some of the [censored] you take today, you can't take anymore )


Your going to be fine either way.

Yea but i'm just not ready for dating DLS. We were supposed to go to MC just never went.

I really woudln't want to move away from here. I think her family maybe has 1/4 of a say in this matter indirectly because she hasn't told them what happened. She doesn't tell them alot but I know she told them stuff. Just a brief summary.

Her sister would be the one to have the main influence on her. and that one is a piece of work. Her younger sister not so much. Her mother pretty much says her piece but stays out of it.

But she told her she doesn't need a M. I think her mother is still hurt from WAW father and her younger sisters father. She has 4 kids. 3 by WAW father and one by another guy.

I have said some really really mean things during an argument and so has she. I mean some awful stuff.

But it's during an argument. She apologizes and I try to let go but she still hangs on to it.

[james217]

45 more to go . . .

45 more of what to go kind sir?

Yep I messed up bad i'm disappointed in myself and I know you are too.

You have spent alot of your time trying to help and I didn't listen and made things alot worse.

The ML really got to me.

[konfuseeed]

45 more hours.

Dude, just for some perspective...

Me and my wife had a disagreement about things. Like, about our current separation, and it wasn't even that heated, but I went dark for 3 weeks just to get away from it.


And 3 weeks is even considered nothing.

[james217]

45 more hours.

Dude, just for some perspective...

Me and my wife had a disagreement about things. Like, about our current separation, and it wasn't even that heated, but I went dark for 3 weeks just to get away from it.


And 3 weeks is even considered nothing.

i don't think it's gonna be for just 45 hours dude. that's not enough time to heal.

i really really made a mess of things huh K. even if she calls or text i'm not gonna answer because it's gonna be more of the same.

at least we had some good dates. I think I really blew it. But she did talk for a little while today. Angry talk not coming back talk.


She is not over alot of stuff and until she gets over it and is not angry then nothing i do matters.

I can start by giving her space and time to think.