Time for darkness.... (thread number 3)ears open

[DaddyLongShanks]

james217,

Right now your wife is playing "scorpion" with you, you are the whipping boy, and OM is "her man". You also help out with the kids and financially and when she needs a pick me up. Many of her "pick me ups" is just treating you mean or saying messed up stuff.

You got alot of advice, but many of these are from people doing this out of the "good realm" her family is in the "bad realm" and its a entirely different ballgame.

I just see you as a loving husband whose trying to show his wife he loves her, and will take her back. Your doing what feels natural to do, but it doesn't work in the situatoin.

Many of the people here will not know how bad you got it or what type of lady your dealing with, they just can't relate.

I can, I know what kind it is. Just remember, its not your fault.

You do need to 180 and GAL though, contact is not helping you and not going to for a while. I believe in your GAL you will have dates - and your going to have to find a way to have your full confidence OUTSIDE of the situation with your wife. You cannot value or look at yourself the way she does.

Alot of women out there would feel lucky to have a guy just like you are today. remember that.

[james217]

James,

Really? You said you are going to go dark, GAL and detach and proceed to not only make ANOTHER post about your W but start whining on another thread too.

You knew exactly what you were doing by going over there and you knew it would make it worse yet you did it anyway. If a grown woman who dumped her husband and had multiple affairs could be coerced to return by a gift of stuffed animals... well, many men here would have charge accounts at FAO Schwartz.

Perhaps you have learned the value of staying quiet.

You are co-dependant on her and that is very, very bad.

You have so self control or self discipline nor do you have the first idea of how to self soothe.

If you are going dark then just do it and stop talking about it. You do way too much talking and not enough listening or action.

By NOT listening you have pushed your wife further and further away. I would bet unless there is some visible effort the majority of the people that spent time posting to you will also be very turned off.

At this point NOTHING "will work" with your W. She is too angry and too invested in her affairs. What you need to start wondering about is what "will work" for you that has nothing to do with your W.

I can't say I disagree with your W. Every "divorce busting" effort you have made thus far has appeared to have a motive and it was all for you. Not good.

I can't agree with the last paragraph. When she got her clothes stolen I knew she wasn't coming home and gave her a huge chunk of the life savings to help her get another place.

she spent the night and we talked and then she left the next day. almost ML but we both stopped it.

Everytime she's gotten into a jam i've dipped into the life savings to help her rearranging some bills just so she could eat or whatever.

It's not like I wasn't doing this type of stuff before she left. Heck when we first got together I was helping.

I haven't just been this way with her either. I've always put myself last and I have to stop doing that.

I run a computer business and gave away about 5 computers to help some famlies who needed them.

I gave away phones and all types of things. I've bought food for families in need.

Volunteered in my community. I've really tried to give back and ehlp anyone I can.

That's why it bothers me when she says that because she says i've always had a hard of gold and was selfless.

Here's a list of pros/cons she wrote about me and her cons about herself. then ill post mine.

Pros/Cons of H
from W Prospective

Pros

He is a very spiritual man….knows a lot about the bible.
H is handsome and very manly.
H is a very giving of himself.
I love H’s creativeness and his willingness to express himself.
He cares for others well being.
He is strong.
H is a good father.
H is a good husband.
H is a good and loyal friend.
H loves and cares about his family.
H is very protective of his family and friends.
H is a man who fights in what he believes in.
H has always been there for me.
(be it the hospital, financial, legal,
spiritual)



Cons

I don’t like H’s temper.
I don’t like when H and I fuss and fight…..because sometimes it gets out of hand.
Sometimes I don’t like H’s stubbornness….
because it makes him closed minded to other people’s views and won’t listen to what you have to say.
Cons cont…..

I don’t like when we in argument and I’m not able to express myself……combatively

W’s Pros/Cons


Pros

I believe I am a beautiful person inside and out.
I am caring.
I am giving.
I am loyal.
God has giving me a gift of singing.
(I just don’t know how to use
or express that gift.)
I felt I was a good mother to our children.













Cons

I don’t feel that I am as spiritual with God as I should be.
I feel I could be a better wife to my husband.
I don’t like being so naïve.
I don’t like my temper.
I don’t like always feeling so depressed because things are not going the way I want.
I don’t like situation I have put my family through.
I don’t like the fact that I don’t truly know what my purpose in life.
(I want to know…..because I feel God has something special for me to do…..if not I wouldn’t have been put on this earth…..I feel it in my soul, that I have a purpose)
I don’t like the fact that I have epilepsy.
I wish I was more experienced at working out my problems…….instead of taking it out on others.

[james217]

here is the list i did for myself

h’s Strengths and Weaknesses


Strengths

Computer Savvy
Determined
Giving
Loving
Spiritual
Try to be good father, husband, son and friend
Organized

Weaknesses

Bad Temper
Stubborn
Legally Blind
Possible epilepsy and vertigo
Impatient
Need to listen more
Overweight
No income
No secondary education

and the list about WAW

Alyssa’s Pros and Cons


Pros

Funny
Smart
Sexy
Pretty
Nice Body
Loving
Caring
Giving
Short (good thing during intimacy)
Good cook
Good mother


Cons

Bad Temper
Stubborn
Impatient
Need to listen more
Overweight (health reasons)
Yells a lot
Wants to be in charge
Kind of tomboyish
Not open minded sexually
Procrastinates
Unladylike (does not like dressing up for me or putting on makeup)
Blames almost everything on me
Does not take interest in what I like

[james217]

h’s and w’s Family Goals

Communicate Effectively
Pray Together
Spend more time together
Listen to each other without interrupting
Get SD8 Back
Get S3 Back
Get S10 Back
Lose Weight
Stay Healthy
Study the bible more frequently
Compromise with one another more frequently
Each person work their part to have a healthy relationship
Move into a stable environment
Thank God twice a day for his blessings
Argue without cursing or yelling (or being violent towards each other)
Stop blaming each other for past, present or future mistakes
Work as a team
Consult each other before any major decisions are made or carried out
Take more of an interest in each other’s interests and hobbies
Have more of an open mind to each other’s intimate sides
Be more spontaneous
Be more romantic
Get Legally Married intead of just common law
Create Individual Goals List
Create Individual Strengths/Weaknesses List
Create Pros/Cons list about spouse
Compliment each other on a more frequent basis
Create positive memories and take pictures of those memories
Try to be more positive (especially when spouse needs encouraging words)
Work on all legal matters:
a. the kids
b. DCCCD
c. H’s job
d. File a complaint against disability doctor


Created 09-20-2009 by H and W

[james217]

h’s and w’s Family Achievement List

We are blessed by God each day to see another day
We are still a couple
We have income
We have food and shelter
Our taxes are done
We don’t argue as much as a couple

[DaddyLongShanks]

James.

You can get it with her. However always know you are worthy, and if its not her there will be someone else who values you as you are.

[james217]

May as well let her [censored] over there die down or her to get stabbed in the back or manipulated by them and OM, but don't be there to be her punching bag. I know your sitch all the well.

Your going to really have to live your life and enjoy it, because when she see's you can't really be caring, but you can't fake it.

I think staying away from her for a while is the best thing you can do. Don't say it just do it, because as bad as she is right now she'll tease the words you use my man.

Maybe even get some dates, LOL.

Yep I have to stay away and give space and time. too many bad things have occured on both sides. So I can't put a bandaid emotional scar on it to heal it man.

I just should have went dark and stayed dark a long long time ago

[DaddyLongShanks]

james217,

Thing about it is it "got crazy", so the stuff you where doing which seems like it makes sense doesn't. I think both of us would realize much earlier when it "get crazy" with the current or someone else and leave them alone. Nothing I did wrong, and neither did you. Its on them. Remember that.

[james217]

james217,

Right now your wife is playing "scorpion" with you, you are the whipping boy, and OM is "her man". You also help out with the kids and financially and when she needs a pick me up. Many of her "pick me ups" is just treating you mean or saying messed up stuff.

You got alot of advice, but many of these are from people doing this out of the "good realm" her family is in the "bad realm" and its a entirely different ballgame.

I just see you as a loving husband whose trying to show his wife he loves her, and will take her back. Your doing what feels natural to do, but it doesn't work in the situatoin.

Many of the people here will not know how bad you got it or what type of lady your dealing with, they just can't relate.

I can, I know what kind it is. Just remember, its not your fault.

You do need to 180 and GAL though, contact is not helping you and not going to for a while. I believe in your GAL you will have dates - and your going to have to find a way to have your full confidence OUTSIDE of the situation with your wife. You cannot value or look at yourself the way she does.

Alot of women out there would feel lucky to have a guy just like you are today. remember that.

Alot of women have told her she was lucky to have me but it's not all her fault either man. We have both inflicted hurt and pain on each other in every aspect. We have both verbally abused each other.

Her not telling me what is wrong is just as bad as me expressing it in a way that hurts her.

Because when I look at the list up above and then hear what she's stating now it does not add up. I feel like i'm the center of her rage for every problem.

she probably feels the same way.

But I do know alot of this was due to both of us not being healthy mentally physically and emotionally.

The thing is I was tring to be really really patient when she had her nervous breakdown.

now that I'm sick she's on some deal with it on your own stuff.

and city girl? I was by this woman's side every day. She was in an extremely bad mental physical and emotional bad state.

I had to revive her in my arms a few times. I spent days and weeks in the hospital. When she began to go absolutely bonkers I was still there by her side. I went to the mental facility every day.

She absolutely begged me not to quit or give up on her. We were rarely MLing and she was completely like a zombie alot of the time. I mean one time she told me she purposely with holds intimacy from me when she's upset about anything even if it's not about me.

It really hurt and I felt really neglected. I would just ask her for time. That's the only thing I really complained about.

Plus she had a P.A. before. I forgave but it was hard to trust because we rarely touched or ML even though we were always together. Plus although she said she was sorry it just continued to be her telling me to be patient and let her get herself together and me feeling neglected.

She thinks that her E.A. is going to fix things cause it's new. But it's not. And I think she knows it too. The issues havent left. they still exist. Long long before I ever did anything bad to her. She would just start screaming at me and throwing things.

She would ignore SD8 and put all the responsibility on me.

she knows how to push my buttons and that's anothe reason I have to go dark. She pushes my buttons to get the reaction she wants to justify her being away.

I really really think she blames me for SD8 being gone. I have never seen her acting so full of rage.

and all of this has taken a toll on me. Then she exprsses what I'm doing wrong and I'll write it down and try to work on it. Then the next day it's something else. Then something else.

Then she wants to talk and see me when she wants. When she needs me I'm there but when I need her she's not.

Yes I have pushed and been very needy and co dependent but it's just because for so long I went without her attention and affection while she was sick.

She did support me by going to the doctor and appointments with me when I was sick.

But the mental and emotional support was not always there. zshe even admitted it several times. in emails texts and calls.

Yet she just walks away? i'm the bad guy? We both made mistakes.

[DaddyLongShanks]

You can't be accessible for her to continue to blame. This stage in the game, a couple of weeks might not be a bad idea.

If she continues to do it, she will direct it at someone else. She may learn the error, or may not.