Live, love and enjoy life to the fullest - you deserve it buddy. You deserve it.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Great weekend, OK day at work...desperately need to better my career choices...still looking into options...my friend is holding me accountable so that is helping the fire stay stoked.
Received a call from W...missed it replied via text: "yes?" W "Nevermind, felt like talkin, at the gym now" "good for you..."
Of course the LBS in me wanted to add- I meant good for you that you're at the gym...lord knows the WAS can take it the wrong way...lol.
I refrained b/c it just doesn't matter.
Anyway, keeping positive...I know that there is one final lesson to teach W...that I will go out being the responsible one- I know that it may be too soon to be in a R, but I have done alot of work on myself, seeing a therapist weekly for nearly 8 months, reading books and applying the knowledge, posting here, journaling, etc.
I am nearing the point of being ready to pursue other interests, and in order to do so w/ a free conscience, I must be willing to terminate my M...I do not want to follow W's footsteps of becoming involved w/ OP while still M'd...out of fairness to me, W, OP, and M.
I held out, I have been the beacon (or a beacon), and thus far, aside from some emotionally charged mistakes and outbursts, I have been a good H through THE WORST situations possible...
This is my final action as a good H...and one of a nice run as a good man...
Update- Ever since I broke NC, its been hard to get that one day "clean" again...ugh.
I've been sucked right back in and it couldn't have happened at a worse time.
W and I exchanged some texts this morning...I had left her a message stating that seeing has how we aren't making any progress and I have taken some time to myself and been in therapy for 7 months now...that I am contemplating pursuing other options.
I stated that it was absurd that her client is a D L and W has not yet filed- and that if I were to pursue something else, I would file immediately so that I am not disrespecting the M or being adulterous.
The texts started after W- I need to get the rest if my things M- L can handle that from now on W- doesnt have ti be that way M- it was your choice, you decised to have an A and not work at all on yourself or the M. You betrayed me in every way you could, lied, and sabotaged our R. W- dont be nasty M- what could be more nasty than sleeping w/ another man while M?
few hours passed
M- I'm angry b/c you've done what you did while M...if you were D you can be w/ whomever you want
W- I justified what I did b/c my needs weren't met for so long. I know it wasn't the right thing to do. I'm sorry
M- you didnt need to go o/s the M to have your needs met. it would have required patience and clear communication.
I wanted to speak w/ W tonight about our options- if she agrees that she's not interested in any R w/ me, than we can go file together so there's no animosity
Never happened...W was "too tired...can't think."
Here's where it got interesting. via text
M-"sorry you had a bad day, let's plan for Sun, pref evening and somewhere we can visit w/ the dogs...let me know"
W-"I dont know what I want, I dont know what I'm doing w/ my life, how did I get here?"
M-"I have a theory but you wont like it..."
W-"?"
M-"this is what happens when you allow feelings to dictate your decisions...I know b/c it's happened to me; I'm trying to avoid the same thing..."
W- "what do you mean you doing the same thing?"
M- "get some rest"
W-" I cant think, have no time to myself, so stressed...I think I'm dying"
M-"I hope not, just relax, meditate and pray...good night."
I'm sure there will be a lot of 2x4s, I deserve them.
I'm to the point myself where I would love to bust the D, but am pretty sure I am better off w/o W all together. I def do not want to hurt my friend, and I do not think that W will ever know what she wants, even if we D...
I can't really live like that anymore- I do love her, but I think too much has taken place now. I am open to the possibility and like I said, it would be noce to only M once and see if this M could be better after all this shirt...
I'm sure W was going back and forth w/ both me and OM- I'm not that much of a dummy anymore...
W is sending crumbs again- "had a really bad day...looking for you to be there for me, but you're not...not surprised."
next day:
M- I've seen u 4 times in 3 months, and we barely speak...why would you expect things to be any different?"
W- I don't...I was hurting..."
It's all garbage, I know. I have all the intel and info I need to make a responsible decision...the question is do I call her out on it or not?
W is still pursuing her R w/ OM, though she assumes I don't know this...W tells me she's confused...wonder why (lol), if she really is.
Supposed to meet w/ her tomorrow and plan on setting a time for us to meet and file together...I'm no longer interested in saving this M. Unless there is an AMAZING MIRACLE that takes place- sadly I don't believe I can ever regain respect and trust w/ W.
If I am met w/ more lies tomorrow I pray I will do the right thing...I am no longer the broken man I was when she left- I no longer believe she's the only person I can be happy w/...she's just a person, and for the last 8 months, a person w/ very little redeemable qualities.
Update- Had an awesome weekend w/ my friend, my sitch is complicated now...
Met w/ W tonight- she's experienced many emotions, she cried alot, I have barely seen her cry before.
MIL asked W why W was going to meet w/ me...W is angry b/c her mom and friends have been filling her head w/ things...they have been making her decisions for her.
Very sad, and I knew it was happening all along.
W admitted to using drugs and that OM2 had been supplying them...claims that she's been clean now a few weeks.
W wants to do Retro and MC...WTF?!
W texted me for MC's number and is going to call in the am. Apparently, when I let W know I was interested in pursuing someone, W flipped and thought, "that's my H looking to pursue someone else...?"
I am screwed, I do not want to hurt anyone, but I am still M and feel I need to see the M through, if W is willing to seek help and MC, why wouldn't I at least try?
Be careful what you wish for, is my best advice...I heard everything I had hoped to hear tonight and I am now more conflicted than ever.
I kissed tonight rather passionately, several times, and all initiated by W. I do still love her, but she cannot waltz her way back in w/o boundaries and prerequisites.
I can. I told you it was coming... way back in January.
She is trying to pull you back into the cesspool of her life... and you're letting her. As soon as she has you back in line it's going to be "business as usual" for her.
You want to go to MC? Are you nuts? Get her into IC. She is using. She is addicted. Let her fix her own mess Mr "Knight in tarnished armor."
The rest is your choice.
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
I gotta side with Gno on this. You have to get back on track here man. You stopped on your path when you started convo with her again and now you're going back over painful steps you've already been through...
...bumping your a$$ on the way down.
You have to completely detach yourself from this woman...you have let her drag you back in.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
