"whatever you're going to do do it.. i'm really getting to the point of hating you and i've never hated a living person in my life and I just ask God to forgive me.. I can never come back to you.. cause this hate is just brewing inside.. u say u do things to help me.. if you do.. then y am I starting to hate u... my blood is boiling."
Yet she is texting and calling and leaving voicemails?
She says I talk down to her (i am sure I do but i'm working on it) and make her feel small. She said monday at lunch I made her feel small about SD8 situation.
here's other texts
"I've told you several times that I"m not coming back.. when we were going out... i thought there was no reason behind it"
"I thought u wanted to see me and talk to me. that's why"
but you go out? (confused)
"that's the problem u felt this way... i still told u i was not coming back.. and i told u this several times... but won't hear what i have to say"
"u should hear the way you talk to me sometimes when your'e trying to help me"
"I hate the way you treat me sometimes"
(im supposed to be perfect?)
we've talked off and on today.
I understand darkness now. I understand detachment. I understand all of it.
So she hates me now. I'm the worst husband ever.
yet she keeps talking? we've talked alot today. She has such anger in her towards me. I guess that's why no matter what I do it doesn't work.
The darkness is to help both of us heal. to allow the anger to dwindle. That's what the words of reaffirmation are here for to prevent bad interactions. I keep falling for the bait. I keep opening up too soon and it ends up bad.
alot of times i'm not even yelling. I'm totally calm and it's still her thinking I"m talking down to her because of what i'm saying. When I do something good it has no positive effect because she doesn't believe in it.
Then it goes back to what I did in the past. then it becomes a cheeseless never ending loop hole of defensive ping pong. Because I'm like I'm doing this to show I care. to try to right the wrong. Well there's a motive she says. Yea the motive of loving my wife. Then you don't love me. Then there's the reasons why she's not coming back. I try to fix them and she doesn't believe in them.
I should have listened to you guys and went dark a long long time ago and stayed dark and not tried quick fixes and dates and other stuff.
It's not going to work. Even when there's a flicker of the W i M the other stuff is still in the back of her mind.
Then I feel we're getting closer and want to talk more and she runs.
It's taken me two months to understand darkness and the dbing concepts. But I finally understand it.
I'm in LRT AND darkness now.
I have to back way way way off and have totally NC. Otherwise this is not going to stop. A few good dates and then the same issues.
she tells me she doesn't want to talk to me. I ask her ever again? It ends with her saying "stop asking me questions I don't even have time to miss you."
You were right C.G. there was nothing positive about the dates except maybe later on she'll remember them.
the wounds are too fresh for both of us. Neither person is healing. You cannot put a bandage on an emotional scar.
The fact that she keeps saying "this is why I can't come back" lets me know she's still thinking about it.
Me calling her place (non cell phone) and bringing her the gifts totally did not work either. It just pushed her away again. I just left them outside and left. but that was wrong.
So go ahead people. 2 x 4 me. Let me have it. I have totally totally messed this thing up even worse than it was when I first started because I did not listen.
She has talked to me in ways I would never expect. The cursing and yelling and screaming and telling me to shut up and more cursing.
There's nothing I can do with that right now. It's really too messed up.
Now everything was just in the moment. She never said she loved me or any of that. She has me backpedaling and on me heels.
Everytime I try to start a conversation off good it's like she's looking for a fight. Everytime we talk or meet she's looking for more reasons to be mad and stay mad.
The only way to make it stop is for me to stop. Because she's not going to stop either even though she says that. She has called me alot today too just go go off.
and then justifying treating me awfully because of something that I did a long time ago or recently that hurt her and she didn't een say anything about it.
Just like she told me she avoided me for the past 4 or 5 days just because I expressed my views about sd8 at lunch.
so it's time to stop. I don't even know for how long.
waw 36 (spiritual covenant and common law marriage)me 32 together 13 mos. Bomb dropped march 2nd 2010
children SD (8) S (10) S (3) need help from anyone with my sitch
man i really "F" ed up. maybe my M is just unrepairable. There's nothing I can do but go dark and use LRT because this isn't working. There are flashes of her being happy with me but no matter what I do or say it ends up bad.
I do good it's bad with motives to throw it in her face later I do bad and it's really bad and i'm damn near the devil himself
she doesn't seem to see or care about me hurting or me trying to change. She doesn't trust me. She just yells at me and curses me out. Then she says leave her alone and will call and curse at me some more.
I don't think I've ever heard her drop this type of language before with ANYONE.
as of 2:50 p.m cst i have went back dark and with LRT. nothing else is going to work.
She's not healed from what i've done and i'm not healed from what she's done and is still doing. I've started detaching. time to GAL and leave her be.
Everything I do has a motive is sneaky or it to hurt her or to throw it in her face or she gets defensive or rude and i'm defensive back.
I have totally screwed up. She doesn't even want to see me be near me talk to me or anything anymore. I should have just went dark before it got to this because now it's just MORE JUSTIFICATION FOR HER TO NOT COME HOME
waw 36 (spiritual covenant and common law marriage)me 32 together 13 mos. Bomb dropped march 2nd 2010
children SD (8) S (10) S (3) need help from anyone with my sitch
Really? You said you are going to go dark, GAL and detach and proceed to not only make ANOTHER post about your W but start whining on another thread too.
You knew exactly what you were doing by going over there and you knew it would make it worse yet you did it anyway. If a grown woman who dumped her husband and had multiple affairs could be coerced to return by a gift of stuffed animals... well, many men here would have charge accounts at FAO Schwartz.
Perhaps you have learned the value of staying quiet.
You are co-dependant on her and that is very, very bad.
You have so self control or self discipline nor do you have the first idea of how to self soothe.
If you are going dark then just do it and stop talking about it. You do way too much talking and not enough listening or action.
By NOT listening you have pushed your wife further and further away. I would bet unless there is some visible effort the majority of the people that spent time posting to you will also be very turned off.
At this point NOTHING "will work" with your W. She is too angry and too invested in her affairs. What you need to start wondering about is what "will work" for you that has nothing to do with your W.
I can't say I disagree with your W. Every "divorce busting" effort you have made thus far has appeared to have a motive and it was all for you. Not good.
Its probably one of her family members that convinced her your generousity is manipulation. Thats what happened in my sitch, and over time she listened to their lies. From the way you describe her family, thats how they are.
You didn't screw up. One of them is going to have to betray her really badly for her to want to come home. Right now for them you are an easy target - hell you CANT EVEN DO RIGHT by this lady.
May as well GAL and don't sweat it, also remember ITS NOT YOUR FAULT.
I've spoken with James217. Her family is "inner city" style "bad". No one is married, its all broken relationships and single people with no long term relationships. The family is against James217.
Also the wife has inflicted violence on James217 several occasions, one incident of violence ended up with scars on his forearm.
He gets malicious treatment, and talked badly to, because she is cheating on him.
She never did own up to her affairs, and in effort to maintain her pride she holds anger toward him. When my wife started doing her thing, she used to cry, but her friend convinced her if she could make herself hate me AND NOT LISTEN to me, that it will stop hurting her.
There are some bad people out there, and james217 is on the crossroads of that situation. His family, mostly "good" stable situations, etc. Her family, no long term relationship, NO ONE married, BAD ADVICE. People like that will take advantage of you over and over again till its done.
I know james217 sounds "stupid" to these forums, its just a loving man whose caught in a situation where his wife is going the way of her family. That way is going to involve drama, conflict, desception, power moves and basically being cheated out a relationship.
CityGirl, I hope you know what I'm talking about. James217 need to stop blaming himself, he can't pursue her, because she doesn't want him today, she still has not elevated him above her affairs - and her family supports her in this.
He can't love this one the way she is, needs to stop pursuit, do his 180, GAL hard - and realize if this situation doesn't work like he would like that theres a TON of other women, who will be fine having a loving man whose willing to put a lot of time and attention into the.
Its probably one of her family members that convinced her your generousity is manipulation. Thats what happened in my sitch, and over time she listened to their lies. From the way you describe her family, thats how they are.
You didn't screw up. One of them is going to have to betray her really badly for her to want to come home. Right now for them you are an easy target - hell you CANT EVEN DO RIGHT by this lady.
May as well GAL and don't sweat it, also remember ITS NOT YOUR FAULT.
THAT'S THE THING THEY HAVE BETRAYED HER BADLY. her sister stopped taking SD8 to school and cost her her job by not giving her the documents.
Heck today she was talking about leaving and I asked about her family. She said they didn't see her for a year and she won't be missed if she leaves again.
I have no clue what she's gonna do. I think E.A. O.M. is putting that in her head. or maybe she just thinks that.
Her family is pretty bad man. I know mine is perfect but her own mother would not take SD8 man. They said if she loses her then it's on her cause she needs to grow up. I somewhat agree but that's still your flesh and blood and an innocent child.
I think she's just been harboring anger and guilt and resentment and hurt and storing it up and finally unleashing it on me as well as whatever else is going on with her.
Her whole life has been that way. she told me she doesn't really trust any way. But she will trust others.
She takes everything good and if anything bad happens then BOOM. This is why i'm not coming back. You just did this.
I can't do anything right with her now. I think her family does have influence though.
Her sister tried to kiss me once. she asked if I had a brother I could set her up with.
I mean she was adamant about not coming back. Just kept saying it over nad over. Then she shrugged off our intimacy like it was nothing. The same thing with the dates.
I mean dude maybe I should just quit? I don't want to. But I'm really trying to detach go dark and not call. Everything i'm doing is just making things worse
waw 36 (spiritual covenant and common law marriage)me 32 together 13 mos. Bomb dropped march 2nd 2010
children SD (8) S (10) S (3) need help from anyone with my sitch
May as well let her [censored] over there die down or her to get stabbed in the back or manipulated by them and OM, but don't be there to be her punching bag. I know your sitch all the well.
Your going to really have to live your life and enjoy it, because when she see's you can't really be caring, but you can't fake it.
I think staying away from her for a while is the best thing you can do. Don't say it just do it, because as bad as she is right now she'll tease the words you use my man.
The constant pursuit is all on James. Blaming family members is asinine.
Yep this is all my fault. i did not listen at all. If I did the family members wouldn't matter. We stayed away from them for over a year and they have already done alot of things she is not happy with and even said she could walk away from them and move and not miss a beat.
But she could be going over there and telling me that just so I don't know where she is. Heck she's over there now she told me she was going over there earlier.
Her family does not know any of her business. she tells them very little. I'm the only one who knows what she is doing and about the P.A. and the E.A.
she puts on a good show for them as well. So yes I think her family (and her father leaving the family with her with being the oldest due to drug addiction) plays a part in this.
Because her mother said SD8 would not be gone if she wasn't in a relationship and she'd still have her job too.
But if everyting they were saying wasn't happening? Then they'd have no bullets to fire my way.
waw 36 (spiritual covenant and common law marriage)me 32 together 13 mos. Bomb dropped march 2nd 2010
children SD (8) S (10) S (3) need help from anyone with my sitch
He gets malicious treatment, and talked badly to, because she is cheating on him.
She never did own up to her affairs, and in effort to maintain her pride she holds anger toward him. When my wife started doing her thing, she used to cry, but her friend convinced her if she could make herself hate me AND NOT LISTEN to me, that it will stop hurting her.
Um, most people in affairs will do anything to take the focus of what they are doing and place blame on anybody else. This is not unique behavior from your W or James W. It is what the majority of people in affairs do when the LBS tries to spoil their fun.
There are some bad people out there, and james217 is on the crossroads of that situation. His family, mostly "good" stable situations, etc. Her family, no long term relationship, NO ONE married, BAD ADVICE. People like that will take advantage of you over and over again till its done.
James W and his family are two separate entities. And using the term "inner city bad" is a bit offensive.
If James has been so abused by this woman why hasn't he pressed any charges and set the boundary that physical abuse resulting in a laceration and scar will not be tolerated? You teach people how to treat you and so far James has allowed this woman to get away with whatever she wants in the name of "love".
My dad was an alcoholic who abandoned his children and starting using heroin the last ten years of his life. Does that mean I am excused of bad behavior also?
We all have family issues and past baggage to work through. Part of real personal growth is not blaming our OWN behavior on the influence or bad behavior of others. Had we all learned that a long time ago many of us would not be on this board in the first place.
Nobody claimed James wasn't loving. What many of us said was he must learn the basics before anything could happen. Drama, bad behavior, affairs and power struggles don't end after one or two dates.
It is nice James has found a confidant on the boards. I strongly urge you not to enable destructive behavior and validate any sort of blame on people NOT involved in the marriage. Clearly James and his W both have very, very poor boundary setting skills. That is the issue. Not a family gone wild.
