Invinceable

[mishka422]

you doing this because it's comfortable??

you doing this because you still love him??

you doing this cause you THINK you can't do any better??

Those are exactly the questions I'm asking myself most.

The honest answers to those are:

1)Yes, it's comfortable, surprisingly enough. I would have thought that knowing what he's done and who he has been with I would have been creeped out at the mere thought of him touching me.

2)I have said all along that I still love Gabe. I just really think it's a sick kind of love. Not knowing anything different though I have nothing to compare these feelings to.

3)Mike, you know me far too well. You know what I think of myself. No matter how hard I try to get my mind out of that pattern it still rules my daily life. I think I'm not worth much and then I argue with myself that I am worth more than I give myself credit for. It's a difficult internal battle but one that will be lifelong. What would be better though? I'm not in a R with Gabe. Not an emotional one anyway. It's purely physical.....on his side. On my side, I feel all of the old flutterings and have all the old romantic wishes in my head. Those things were never supported in our M. Gabe's favorite quote was, "I don't have to do that stuff anymore. I already got you." I would half jokingly respond with, "You'll do them if you want to keep me." Little did I know that he didn't want to keep me and that is why he didn't do them. I felt disrespected, unappreciated and unloved throughout our M but I wasn't able to voice that. Now, I have no right to voice anything about it because we are not in a R that would lead to those things.

So, what do I want from this twisted mess I've gotten myself into? No clue. I want to not be destroyed when it ends. That is a pretty tall order but if I can put in place safeguards to my heart then I'll be ok. I've learned so many coping mechanisms that I believe I can pull through when it's over.

Fatalistic sounding isn't that? I know Gabe. I know he can't be and has no desire to be monogomous. I need monogomy. Simple difference in value systems. Therefore there can be nothing in the future.

Back to the yard work now.