Whoa OT - I just read that article and it has me pondering what I want most. Is it sad that my deepest desire is just for security? I'm not passionate about anything really but I really do desire to be secure. That seems like a very vague thing, security. What is the goal there? So many things can mean security and it's a combination of those things that I guess I am wanting.
Financial security. Peace of mind. Support. Comfort.
Those things say secure to me. Again, they are mostly abstract ideas that can not be worked toward. So, how to achieve that? No idea but I won't give up on the hope of it.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
you doing this cause you THINK you can't do any better??
Those are exactly the questions I'm asking myself most.
The honest answers to those are:
1)Yes, it's comfortable, surprisingly enough. I would have thought that knowing what he's done and who he has been with I would have been creeped out at the mere thought of him touching me.
2)I have said all along that I still love Gabe. I just really think it's a sick kind of love. Not knowing anything different though I have nothing to compare these feelings to.
3)Mike, you know me far too well. You know what I think of myself. No matter how hard I try to get my mind out of that pattern it still rules my daily life. I think I'm not worth much and then I argue with myself that I am worth more than I give myself credit for. It's a difficult internal battle but one that will be lifelong. What would be better though? I'm not in a R with Gabe. Not an emotional one anyway. It's purely physical.....on his side. On my side, I feel all of the old flutterings and have all the old romantic wishes in my head. Those things were never supported in our M. Gabe's favorite quote was, "I don't have to do that stuff anymore. I already got you." I would half jokingly respond with, "You'll do them if you want to keep me." Little did I know that he didn't want to keep me and that is why he didn't do them. I felt disrespected, unappreciated and unloved throughout our M but I wasn't able to voice that. Now, I have no right to voice anything about it because we are not in a R that would lead to those things.
So, what do I want from this twisted mess I've gotten myself into? No clue. I want to not be destroyed when it ends. That is a pretty tall order but if I can put in place safeguards to my heart then I'll be ok. I've learned so many coping mechanisms that I believe I can pull through when it's over.
Fatalistic sounding isn't that? I know Gabe. I know he can't be and has no desire to be monogomous. I need monogomy. Simple difference in value systems. Therefore there can be nothing in the future.
Back to the yard work now.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
It sounds like you know exactly where things are with Gabe. There were a couple nights of fun that weren't exactly unwelcome. You have a chance here to call the shots instead of Gabe. That should be welcome.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Wow, I had no idea you'd become psychic. Interesting that you know Gabe's thoughts and feelings so well. The sex should have been no surprise then, given the perfect insight you have. Interesting that you understand what he is capable of so well, what he will and won't do. I guess you knew about his A before it ever happened. Or, maybe you don't. Maybe you didn't.
Perhaps you might drop the arrogance and have an open mind.
BTW, if there were no emotions, Gabe would not have been lurking at your door and you two wouldn't have done that silly little dance. He merely would have said, "Hey, wanna screw?"
For sure, NO ONE can be a good partner to you as long as you keep up the martyr crap, like this: "Gabe's favorite quote was, "I don't have to do that stuff anymore. I already got you." I would half jokingly respond with, ""You'll do them if you want to keep me." Little did I know that he didn't want to keep me and that is why he didn't do them. I felt disrespected, unappreciated and unloved throughout our M but I wasn't able to voice that. Now, I have no right to voice anything about it because we are not in a R that would lead to those things."
1) You have every right to state what you want at any time.
2) You are under no obligation to continue an R with a dynamic that does not work for you.
3) If you want to get something out of this R, no matter how it turns out, then how about being the person you want to be. Be direct, be honest, treat yourself with respect and compassion, and stop ASSuming a bunch of stuff in self-defense so that you can crawl back into martyr/poor me mode.
4) If you want Gabe to be a good man, you have to give him a chance to be. Right now you've been judge, jury, and executioner. The poor guy didn't even get a chance to know he was accused.
5) Maybe you BOTH have to grow a lot to have a great R with anyone. Perhaps you can do some or all of that growth together.
6) If I see another bit of self-flagellation in the near future, I may very well not be able to stand to post to you for a good while. Hmmmppphhh.
Maybe you should read DB from the beginning again.
I felt disrespected, unappreciated and unloved throughout our M but I wasn't able to voice that. Now, I have no right to voice anything about it because we are not in a R that would lead to those things.
I know he can't be and has no desire to be monogomous. I need monogomy. Simple difference in value systems. Therefore there can be nothing in the future. _________________________ T19 M15
The first part is telling - did you actually feel that way throughout the marriage, or are you rewriting to help with the pain of what happened? Be brutally honest with yourself. That is a BIG difference.... IF things are going to continue on, you will need to have a shift in your relationship so that you DON'T feel like this - boundaries, standards, etc.
You were together for 19 years and married 15. How long WAS he monogomous? He IS capable of doing that.....he did it for quite a long time, didn't he? You would just have to set your BOUNDARY that you are only willing to be sexually active within a monogomous relationship - he will either comply, or he won't. But if that is your boundary, be good to yourself and back it up.
You know what I think of myself. No matter how hard I try to get my mind out of that pattern it still rules my daily life. I think I'm not worth much and then I argue with myself that I am worth more than I give myself credit for. It's a difficult internal battle but one that will be lifelong. What would be better though? I'm not in a R with Gabe. Not an emotional one anyway. It's purely physical.....on his side. On my side, I feel all of the old flutterings and have all the old romantic wishes in my head. Those things were never supported in our M. Gabe's favorite quote was, "I don't have to do that stuff anymore. I already got you." I would half jokingly respond with, "You'll do them if you want to keep me." Little did I know that he didn't want to keep me and that is why he didn't do them. I felt disrespected, unappreciated and unloved throughout our M but I wasn't able to voice that. Now, I have no right to voice anything about it because we are not in a R that would lead to those things.
well...bullchitt...
did you ever stop to think that the reasons you may feel like you do about yourself may just be because a you were married to someone like Gabe??
see I won't talk reconciliation with you...
I'm still saying you better run...you better run like hell..
there are good guys out there...they won't beat your door down for the simple fact that they all have their battle scars also..you gotta find them...you have to surround yourself with good people...you have to sell yourself..
the more you and gabe do what you are doing....the deeper hole you're digging yourself..
and wishing i had some action... 