Time for darkness.... (thread number 3)ears open

[james217]

text from WAW z

"whatever you're going to do do it.. i'm really getting to the point of hating you and i've never hated a living person in my life and I just ask God to forgive me.. I can never come back to you.. cause this hate is just brewing inside.. u say u do things to help me.. if you do.. then y am I starting to hate u... my blood is boiling."

Yet she is texting and calling and leaving voicemails?

She says I talk down to her (i am sure I do but i'm working on it) and make her feel small. She said monday at lunch I made her feel small about SD8 situation.

here's other texts

"I've told you several times that I"m not coming back.. when we were going out... i thought there was no reason behind it"

"I thought u wanted to see me and talk to me. that's why"

but you go out? (confused)

"that's the problem u felt this way... i still told u i was not coming back.. and i told u this several times... but won't hear what i have to say"

"u should hear the way you talk to me sometimes when your'e trying to help me"

"I hate the way you treat me sometimes"

(im supposed to be perfect?)

we've talked off and on today.

I understand darkness now. I understand detachment. I understand all of it.

So she hates me now. I'm the worst husband ever.

yet she keeps talking? we've talked alot today. She has such anger in her towards me. I guess that's why no matter what I do it doesn't work.

The darkness is to help both of us heal. to allow the anger to dwindle. That's what the words of reaffirmation are here for to prevent bad interactions. I keep falling for the bait. I keep opening up too soon and it ends up bad.

alot of times i'm not even yelling. I'm totally calm and it's still her thinking I"m talking down to her because of what i'm saying. When I do something good it has no positive effect because she doesn't believe in it.

Then it goes back to what I did in the past. then it becomes a cheeseless never ending loop hole of defensive ping pong. Because I'm like I'm doing this to show I care. to try to right the wrong. Well there's a motive she says. Yea the motive of loving my wife. Then you don't love me. Then there's the reasons why she's not coming back. I try to fix them and she doesn't believe in them.

I should have listened to you guys and went dark a long long time ago and stayed dark and not tried quick fixes and dates and other stuff.

It's not going to work. Even when there's a flicker of the W i M the other stuff is still in the back of her mind.

Then I feel we're getting closer and want to talk more and she runs.

It's taken me two months to understand darkness and the dbing concepts. But I finally understand it.

I'm in LRT AND darkness now.

I have to back way way way off and have totally NC. Otherwise this is not going to stop. A few good dates and then the same issues.

she tells me she doesn't want to talk to me. I ask her ever again? It ends with her saying "stop asking me questions I don't even have time to miss you."

You were right C.G. there was nothing positive about the dates except maybe later on she'll remember them.

the wounds are too fresh for both of us. Neither person is healing. You cannot put a bandage on an emotional scar.

The fact that she keeps saying "this is why I can't come back" lets me know she's still thinking about it.

Me calling her place (non cell phone) and bringing her the gifts totally did not work either. It just pushed her away again. I just left them outside and left. but that was wrong.

So go ahead people. 2 x 4 me. Let me have it. I have totally totally messed this thing up even worse than it was when I first started because I did not listen.

She has talked to me in ways I would never expect. The cursing and yelling and screaming and telling me to shut up and more cursing.

There's nothing I can do with that right now. It's really too messed up.

Now everything was just in the moment. She never said she loved me or any of that. She has me backpedaling and on me heels.

Everytime I try to start a conversation off good it's like she's looking for a fight. Everytime we talk or meet she's looking for more reasons to be mad and stay mad.

The only way to make it stop is for me to stop. Because she's not going to stop either even though she says that. She has called me alot today too just go go off.

and then justifying treating me awfully because of something that I did a long time ago or recently that hurt her and she didn't een say anything about it.

Just like she told me she avoided me for the past 4 or 5 days just because I expressed my views about sd8 at lunch.

so it's time to stop. I don't even know for how long.