WAH in MLC with PA

[DiamondGirl]

Not sure how to take this...

In my email response to H I had outlined that his lack of attention to the kids spoke volumes on how he really feels right now about putting them first.. I said a lot more but not rudely, more like laying out how his actions are different than what he says.. (like I said.. I know I shouldn't have replied, but I really am at the end of my rope in holding out for us)

Got a call from him last evening, him sounding down and very polite and civil... He said I was right about him never taking me up on the open offer for him to see the kids more often and wanted to take them Sunday after he finishes work.

So we agreed he could do so. I told him that I felt he was treating me like an enemy though I have never tried to be. He said that we always end up arguing when he calls and that I get angry. I stood my ground and corrected him and said that no, you start an argument with me and I won't be disrespected. I reminded him that when he called me late that night I didn't argue with him or respond rudely to him because he didn't to me. He said, no you didn't.

We talked about how he hasn't purchased a car seat for his car yet for D3. He asked why we couldn't keep sharing the seat I have. I tried to joke a little and said that I had to practically dive into the trunk of our SUV to undo/redo the tether bolt. (I'm 5ft 5in...He didn't laugh so maybe it fell flat or he's too depressed to feel it) He said that he would install it back in the SUV for me every time he brings them home then.

He mentioned money is a problem right now. I told him I understood that and had tried to help by allowing for a bit of extra with the mortgage payment, but then he purposely bounced the payment. I told him I had no choice then but to close the accounts. (I said it calmly, not defensive or whiny-like) He said he did it because he was angry. I didn't touch that comment (now I'm thinking it may have been an opening he was trying to give me to ask why????).

He said he also didn't talk to me because he wanted me to step up. Said he wanted me to be able to give our kids a good life. Said I never did step up during the M all these years.

I said that I didn't want to start an argument, merely pointing something out, but that every time I did try to do something on my own, he'd take the reins and do it for me. And that it felt to me that he didn't feel I was capable enough of handling things on my own. So eventually a person stops trying. I told him that I knew it was his way of showing his love for me, but it wasn't what I needed from him.

He blurted out that I never seemed to feel he was doing his best for his family all these years. I validated and said that I have always felt he was doing the best he could with what we had, just as I had been. I said I know that it may not have felt like it, but I always knew he had us in mind. He says, well it didn't feel that way.

I asked him how school was going. He said he just had mid-terms and got about 80% across the board. I said congratulations. (SIL said he was failing so who knows where the truth lies.. somewhere in between maybe)

We didn't say much after that.. He ended it first (missed out on doing that but it was so nice to actually hear his voice I forgot..and I wasn't in a strong place as I'd just bawled my eyes out an hour earlier)

Just when I think I'm done and gone from standing, he calls me or something happens that brings me back into the whole nightmare...

Is that what people mean by when the LBS pulls away, the WAS pulls in? Am I reading too much into this?

Talking on the phone seems to work with him more than emails or face to face... I'm not sure if I should try to call him more often about the kids accomplishments etc. or stay with him leading with contacts since part of the problem with our R is I was not as communicative with him (or him with me)... I haven't been telling him much about what is going on with them because a)I wanted to demonstrate I could step up all alone and be fine with or without him & b) I wanted him to feel how it would be without them in his life except for seeing them on the every other weekend he planned.

Now I'm wondering on how to handle the visit tomorrow... On one hand I don't want to have expectations.. but on the other this is the first time he's tried to see the kids off schedule since right after he left...