Ominus Bonus

[steady]

The first thing I want to know is did you sing the sentence to the song? (Where oh where is my WT....) lol

Steady,

Hi. I am guilty of participating in the brain-free activity that is FB and neglecting the rest of the internet. I've been reading your posts, but feel I have little to add. But since you've asked.....

Oh...Crackbook. I try to stay away from that place as much as possible. I pretty much only go there when I get emailed that someone has sent me a message.

You are being fair. Although, I can see your W is taking up a bit of real estate between your ears. So, a new question springs to mind - what do you want from her?

It's funny you mention the real estate thing. Yesterday at the end of my work day I realized I didn't even think about my sitch at all. I laughed a little bit because as the days move forward I find it occupying less and less of my mind space (and there's a lot of space in there). So that was a nice observation. Most of my thoughts around the sitch are more on the things we need to settle on - custody, house, money, etc... and less to do with the dynamics between her and I.

Since physically separating from her I have a lot more peace inside me. I really do like who I am and I've worked really hard at getting to the point of self validation.

What do I want from her? You've asked me this before and I really couldn't answer it. I don't have any idea. I can't answer that question right now - and I'm perfectly ok with that. I imagine the answer to that question hasn't really settled at some semi-firm point and is still wiggling back and forth.

I noted that when talking to your C, she says based on the person you are now, you don't want her back. I can understand wanting to keep your family together, however, that would involve taking her back.

You're right, it would require taking her back. I think the overall theme was I wouldn't take her back because I have changed and put quite a bit of distance between us - I wouldn't settle for the person she was doing our marriage nor the person she is right now - she's pretty much stayed the same. So in that context I wouldn't be with her because she doesn't have much to offer me.

You send her pictures of the kids when they are with you and this is a nice gesture. You do follow up with commenting that she wouldn't do that for you. You are right. Let it go. She is who she is...if she changes it will be her idea.

Funny you mention that. She just sent me a video and a voice message from my kids. So that was nice. I like getting them because it does keep me in touch with the kids when she has them. Remember, my kids are 4 and 7 so them being able to send messages or pictures is a big deal to them. Usually I ask if they want to send a picture, video or pic and voice to their mom. If they don't want to, then I don't. The other ironic thing is it was her mom who took the picture and video - here's a woman who wouldn't even say hello to me when I last saw her at my D's birthday party. So my decision to be as friendly as is possible at this point, does have an impact in my world. I understand people will do what they do, but reactive people will respond reactively to the message you send out to them.

What's your intention? So the kids will feel she's involved while they are with you? I disagree with that - doesn't that send a mixed message? She's no longer involved with you and she gets her time with them. My thoughts.

Although she's not involved with me, the kids are still involved with her. I think me doing stuff like that gives them a feeling of connectedness with the other parent even though they are physically apart. I may be wrong about this and I'm sure time will tell. I'm just trying to do my best to co-parent and to keep the kids actively involved and connected to my W. Again, I don't have any experience in being separated with a split family so I basically grope around to find a good balance point. I've also been told by a number of mental health professionals that the way the kids react to this kind of situation really depends on how the two parents get along. That's my primary goal.

I don't think you need validation from her. IMHO you just want to be right for once. When our spouses walk away, I think most of us want to think that they made a mistake. They all have their reasons, valid to us or not. I had a time when I wanted him to regret leaving me. Now? It just doesn't matter. (Almost 4 years later, it took about 2 years me to hit this point, your mileage may vary)

I think you're spot on with that - I don't need validation from her (there is still a small part of me that wouldn't mind it..lol) and it's more of a point of being right for once. I can see there will be a day when it just doesn't matter and I can see how much it's actually dissipated over the time that has passed.

I imagine if it did happen it will be a double edge sword.

My bachelors will be in Natural Health. Unconventional, but I do believe that complementary medicine has it's place within scientific medicine. Both from a preventative and integrated prospective.

Started my next psych course - the book is good. Reaching out - Interpersonal Effectiveness and Self-Actualization. David Johnson. Another quick read - full of interesting thoughts.

Are we good now?
WT

I used to be a lot more interested in alternative medicine than I am now. I completely agree with your statement as to is relevance to modern medicine and how they would both actually complement each other. I remember reading studies on the positive effects such 'alternate' methods have.

Good luck on your new class.

And of course we're good. We're always good...