Just found out she already filed

[ImprovedRomeo]

hahaha! Wii, you're one funny guy with a great sense of humor! I meant to learn more about your sitch but never got past the last couple of pages of your current thread.

[ImprovedRomeo]

STBXW responded to my last email about watching DD on Sun with "that's ok, have fun at the grand prix". I just saw her email since I was watching Bridget Fonda's 'Point of no return' tonight. I almost replied to her saying 'thanks' but I don't want her to think I'm out partying that's why I'm up so late and for her to think 'oh if he's out partying I should do the same' - though I bet she probably does when she wants to anyway...who knows. I hate the analysis paralysis over little stuff like this.

Also talked to DD earlier tonight and she said "Daddy, mommy said that I could see you tomorrow (Sat)" I said "oh ok sweetie". So does that mean I should text/email STBXW and see what/if she has in mind...my guess is she'd probably suggest meeting at a park or for lunch. I'm a bit torn about it, obviously I want to see DD and spend time with her but I don't want to give her false hope that we'll be able to do this much. Two, I can't really stay dark this way, though I'm not sure that's really having much of an impact one way or another - I really have no way of knowing.

[ClingingToHope]

Don't sit around waiting for the call. Try to get something done today and if you get called and it fits in your schedule go see DD. But don't drive yourself crazy waiting by the phone.

[whatisis]

Romeo, what would be wrong with texting/phoning etc and saying that DD seems to be under the impression that she will be seeing you today and therefore get some clarification. If STBX wants to arrange it then she will, if DD misunderstood then she can clarify that with DD. This is not about pursuing, this is about a co-parenting issue and communication.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Thanks Wii, I just asked her that.

I was working on my 100pushups.com plan with the music blasting in the background and this song came on...that describes my feelings at times.

http://www.mylyricarchive.com/lady_antebellum_lyrics/need_you_now_lyrics.html

On a positive note I can now do 2x the number of pushups I could before. I've always been slender which gives you a false sense of being healthy but I could only manage 6 pushups on day one about 3 weeks ago.

[Gardener]

whatisis,

I babysat when my STBX went to the Orient with her lover, she even called me to ask what I'd like her to bring back for me. I almost said "your friends head in a bag would be really nice"

and to think I just gave Smiley's Person a retroactve Belly-Laugh Of The Day Award Guess, I'll have to break precedent, bend the rules, and award two!

[OldFool]

Wow! You have one active thread. I can barely keep up (actually, I can't...I end up having to skim).

Egads! You're offering her money? Everyone here is telling you that is insane because it is. You cannot buy her love or respect. As said by others, you don't have to be mean or cruel, but you need to stop trying to curry favor. Believe me, it's not helping you.

My guess is she sees you as a sap who'll do anything. I'm no prognosticator, but I'd bet she files the D, then lets it drag on while she gets her life in order, all the while letting you go on "helping" her until either she tires of it, you quit doing it, or she no longer needs it, and then the hammer will drop. If someone asks her why you're helping her and if allowing it isn't kind of mean, her excuse will probably be, "He knows I'm divorcing him. If he wants to help me out, who am I to say 'No'? I'm not forcing him, you know."

With respect to going dark, let me first say that I don't think you ever really did. However, even if you did, I don't believe that it had anything to do with her filing. She'd already left once. When she came back, it was by a thread. The mental hurdles of actually leaving had already been overcome the first time. Getting to the D the second time around was a very short walk, indeed.

It's easy to second-guess yourself here (I know, I did too). If only I'd said this, if only I'd done that, things would be OK. Sadly, that's not how it works. A D involves two people and unless you are able to effect some kind of mind control over the other person, you cannot control the situation. You may, under optimal circumstances, influence it, but never control it.

Divorce (this is true for men and women...though particularly for the latter) is a lot like suicide. A person who is suicidal is often very agitated during the period when they are struggling with whether to live or die. Once they've made the decision to die, they become quite calm. Their energies are focused on how to end it and they are no longer in turmoil. That's why so many people report that the suicide victim "seemed better" just before committing the act.

Likewise, while the WAS is struggling with the decision to stay or bail, they are agitated. Their efforts are on fixing the situation, dealing with the situation, and/or deciding whether to get out. Once the decision is made to bail, they become calm...even happy...as they go about their business planning their departure, no longer concerned with fixing what they will soon leave behind. It looks like the storm has blown over to everyone else (including the LBS), but it is really the eye of the storm. It's why so many feel blindsided when the other half of the hurricane hits. Ms. Weiner-Davis alludes to this as well in her book and she is absolutely right.

With respect to the unsent e-mail, send it or don't...it doesn't matter at this point. It makes you look desperate and weak (which you may be right at this particular moment) so I wouldn't send it simply because I wouldn't care to give her the satisfaction of knowing that. But as for it affecting her actions in any way, it won't. Once a person is committed to such a destructive act, there is little to turn them back from it. They have already created a reality in their mind that justifies their actions and to go back would be tantamount to admitting a mistake (something their pride will not often let them do).

It's time to work on moving on in your head (just as she has). That is NOT going to be easy. It is a terrible, painful process that will haunt you for some time (sorry, but there's no way to sugarcoat it). The important thing to remember is that it is a process and it takes time to work through it. There are NO shortcuts. You must walk the valley.

However, you need not walk it alone. We are all here to help through the worst times. It doesn't feel like you'll survive, but you will. There will come a time when you escape the darkness and find you have reached the end of your journey. You will be a different person when you come out the other side. Going through this affects a person, there is no way around that. The key to success is to try to make sure that of all the changes you are to experience, more of them are positive than negative.

With that in mind, make (yes, make, because you won't feel like it) yourself do some things that will make your future better. For example:

1. Find a good counselor and use him/her. Most folks need some help getting through this kind of situation and while everyone here is supportive, we aren't a replacement for a trained professional or the interaction of a face-to-face conversation with someone. You also need this for your D. She is going to have some "stuff" to deal with and she is less equipped to do so than you are.

2. Involve yourself in something to occupy your time when you can't be with your D and otherwise want to feel sorry for yourself. This could be volunteering with a local charity, shelter, or neighborhood association, taking on a personal project you've wanted to do in the past but never had time for, or tackling that thing at work you (or others) never seem to get to (with a bad economy, it's always good to make yourself indispensable...losing your W and your job would really stink).

3. Take a hard look in the mirror. When things are going south, it's easy to just repeat the "woe is me" thing and skip the painful part of dissecting what went wrong and how we may have contributed to it. Getting good advice here on how to handle your D, PMA, etc. is great, but most folks here provide unquestioning support.

Yet part of DBing is also fixing flaws in ourselves so they don't trip us up again in the future. We only know your "side" of the story, and that makes us biased observers. Your STBXW has hers as well (which you've mentioned in your various posts). As you well know, the problem with biased observers is they aren't in a position to call BS on you when you're over the line or trying to avoid dealing with your own issues. So use us as a crutch to help hold you up when you feel like falling down, but not as an excuse to avoid some unpleasant self-analysis.

4. Allow yourself to wallow...but only for a short time. Sometimes you just feel bad and there's nothing that can be done about it. The danger is in letting the feeling completely overwhelm you, but it is just as risky to always suppress it. Instead of either extreme, allow yourself to fully give in to it, but only for a short period of time (perhaps 20 to 30 minutes). Then move on.

5. Find solace in music. Not everyone can, so this may be of no value to you, but many people do find a certain peace in music. I found the Thompson Twins' "Hold Me Now" comforting during the worst times. Knowing someone wrote that during a similarly difficult time in their life had a calming effect on me in a way I'm not sure I can describe.

I have a picture, pinned to my wall. An image of you and of me and we're laughing, we're loving it all. Look at our life now, tattered and torn. We fuss and we fight and delight in the tears that we cry until dawn....

Don't get me wrong, it didn't put me in a good mood (the song's a downer even on a good day), but it did help me process what I was feeling.

6. Gird for battle. Yes, she's very polite...they always are, but her attorney will go after the family jewels (it's what they're trained for and why they're hired). My X said, "It's not personal, it's business" just before she cleaned me out. I don't recall that your STBXW was having a PA, but if she was, don't think it'll get you a break. Men generally feel guilty about having a PA and take less from the X to assuage it. Women often feel entitled to the PA and strip you clean anyway.

Finally, remember that you're going to make it, even if it doesn't feel like it right now (and won't for a while). Make sure you start to craft a life around what is now your "new normal" and begin working to accept that your life has changed (even if you didn't want it to). There aren't many success stories here given the situation you are in, but the few that exist seem to occur primarily after the LBS gets past the "Can't we just make it work" phase and moves into the, "Fine, I've got my own life" phase. There's just something inexplicably appealing about someone that doesn't want you (you have to admit, your STBXW gives every evidence of not wanting you and that hasn't slowed you down one bit). It's time to turn that dynamic around and let it work for you, instead of against you.

Serenity and patience to you.

[ImprovedRomeo]

OF, as always thanks for the very insightful and helpful response.

It looks like the storm has blown over to everyone else (including the LBS), but it is really the eye of the storm. It's why so many feel blindsided when the other half of the hurricane hits. Ms. Weiner-Davis alludes to this as well in her book and she is absolutely right.

I don't quite follow, what's the other half of the hurricane in this situation?

With respect to the unsent e-mail, send it or don't...it doesn't matter at this point. It makes you look desperate and weak (which you may be right at this particular moment) so I wouldn't send it simply because I wouldn't care to give her the satisfaction of knowing that. But as for it affecting her actions in any way, it won't. Once a person is committed to such a destructive act, there is little to turn them back from it. They have already created a reality in their mind that justifies their actions and to go back would be tantamount to admitting a mistake (something their pride will not often let them do).

I'm having trouble grasping the idea of going dark. I don't know what else I can do to go dark. Other than her b.day dinner and a handful of email exchanges over the past month we haven't communicated or seen eachother.

Like you said even going dark will do nothing to change her mind. I like your analogy about someone who's decided to commit a suicide will be at peace just before the deed. So she's at that stage where she's committed to getting the D no matter what I do or say. However, I want to save some self dignity as well as don't want her to lose complete respect for me (if there's any left in her mind). So what else can I do to look strong? I feel I do have my own life - in her eyes anyway since I don't really contact her at all unless it's DD related. I didn't even say anything to her about the divorce she refiled.

Thanks for the specific ideas on how to move on and prepare myself for what's coming my way. I'll be honest sad songs do me in. I can't stand them these days because I want to scream the lyrics so loud that she can hear me from my house.

[flowmom]

Great post OldFool. Wise words for many of us to heed.

SR, I'm guessing that your wife is totally aware of your yearning to reconcile with her. If you really were moving on with your life you wouldn't be offering to pay costo bills and things like that. You may not be a good faker, in which case you'll have to actually do the work of detaching and trying to imagine a rich, fulfilling life as a divorced father. I know how hard it is to wrap your mind around that...I have the same problem. But you and I are in the same boat: it's all about coparenting and there's NO evidence of doubts, second thoughts, or any emotional engagement on the part of the WAS. It's time to face our worst fears and figure out how we're going to deal with them. I've gotten a lot of 2x4s on my thread about focusing too much on my H. And it's true that we need all our energy to take care of ourselves right now and to do everything we can to move forward as people, for ourselves and for our children.

hugs!

[flowmom]

Way to go on the pushups . You're doing a lot of things right so I'm giving you the kudos for that.

When are you going to change your username